The Great Imbalance

     Although Nessy and I have been rather "quiet" lately, it doesn't mean we have forgotten our blog or fans.  We have both had a lot going on in our lives.  And trust me this is a very good thing.  It means that we are learning, growing, experiencing and living life.  And even though our absence has been short and there were a lot of things that have happened; there is also one--(sadly) glaring fact that has become quite apparent to us both.  We live in a society that perpetuates a great imbalance between men and women.
     I am not being sexiest, bitter or angry when I say this.  It is, quite regrettably,  a cold hard fact.  At one point in time what was important to men was honor, honesty, dependability, intelligence, fidelity,  love, accountability, family and being a good provider, husband and father.  But this is no longer the case.  Now our society encourages individuality over family; irresponsibility over accountability and dependability; money over love; and success over honor and honesty.  We live in a social culture that has been infested with negative ideals that celebrate materialism, excess, degradation, ignorance, greed, dishonesty, and a myriad of  other distasteful and disgusting attributes; practically eliminating the once upstanding and steadfast traditions that were once common place.     
      The continuous breakdown has resulted in men who want to be taken care of; takers; game players; and stagnated individuals who would rather suppress or ignore their shortcomings and "baggage" instead of rallying their courage and putting in hard work to break through and grow past their issues to become better men.  Very few desire to be a true partner, provider, father, husband, friend or lover.  It is like men have become so accustomed to satisfying themselves and their petty and short lived desires that they no longer understand nor do they see the big picture.  They are actually OK with giving bits and pieces of themselves (if anything at all) instead of cultivating themselves (continuously) in order to be a whole person who can engage in stable, healthy relationships.  And on top of all of that most of them believe that women should be satisfied with what little they are willing to do (again, if anything at all)!
     And as a subsequent ripple effect this has pushed women to stand more solidly on their own; to (even when in relationships) rely upon, fight, support and encourage themselves.  They may have a "partner" who exists in their lives, but they still stand alone because their partner isn't supportive, helpful, giving, or protective.  I have heard many women say (of varying cultures and ages) that being married is like having another child to take care of(...)!  Seriously men, do you feel fulfilled being a shell of your former selves?  Is it OK to be considered unreliable, immature and more a hindrance than a help?  Curiously enough I have also heard men of varying ages and cultures complain about not being wanted and women being TOO independent--(again,) SERIOUSLY!!!! You can not have it both ways.  Albeit a relationship isn't always going to be 50/50, sometimes it will be 60/40 or 70/30 and during those times you are supposed to give your partner extra support, love and understanding, but when a relationship is 90/10 or 95/5 then it isn't a healthy relationship--it is a parasitic relationship!
     In every relationship in life, no matter what kind it is, you get what you give!  You set the tone!  If you aren't reliable we won't rely on you; if you lie and/or cheat on us--we will not trust you; essentially if you do not give in return what we give to you freely; if you can not get on the same page with us--we can't (and won't) have a real relationship with you.  (No matter how much we love you--we have to protect ourselves and will not sacrifice our well being to have you in our lives when you take more (or twice as much) as you give!).  Man was not meant to walk alone if he were God would not have made a companion for Adam.  I will also admit that not all men are meant to marry (or women for that matter).
     Relationships aren't all meant to end in marriage with a white picket fence and two point five kids.  But, if you desire to be in a relationship (or eventually to be married and have a family) then men make sure you are ready--that you are on the same page as your partner--and you are in a place to be able to be in a relationship.  I hope men will start taking time to step back and start seeing the big picture again--to become the men they were; leave behind selfishness, lying and irresponsibility and embrace being men of honor, accountability and consideration.  I encourage men to live up to their potential, to correct this great imbalance and bring the world to rights.  I encourage them to achieve their greatness and with the same breath I encourage women to not settle for less than they deserve.  Do not allow someone to only give you bits and pieces when you happily give all of yourself.  Don't settle for an unhealthy relationship (no matter how much you love them) that will end in heartache when you deserve a healthy relationship and a happy ending.  Because the reality of it is--a relationship isn't only about how you feel and treat someone it is more about how someone feel and treats you! 
     Well Lovelies, just some food for thought.  Until another time I wish you Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa

LOVE--Is More Than A Word

     I know I post a lot about Love, and grant it some of this may seem a bit repetitive--but as it is, Fall is setting in and along with it comes that unfortunate seasonal rut that seems to occur in most relationships.  It seems terribly prevalent during Autumn for guys to get so comfortable that they end up "falling off the Wagon".  So, this has again and again raised the question in mind, heart, soul and conversation--Love--What is Love to you?  Love differs from person to person.  We all have certain Love Languages that touch us more on an emotional level than others.  (If you don't know about your Love Language, why not find out about it at www.5lovelanguages.com !)  And because we all vary so much, it is very important to learn the love language of your significant other in order to understand and be able to show them love in a way that they will not only be able to appreciate, but receive as well.
     I know that Hunny isn't psychic (as most men aren't) and so I strive to communicate with him to help him understand what I need and want as well as to make sure that we are on the same page.  And honestly it isn't always easy.  Not for me--especially because of my past.  But as I am determined to rectify the mistakes of my past and build a healthy relationship I choose to fight against my defense mechanisms.  So instead of running, or throwing up a steel wall, I breathe through my initial fears, hurts and frustrations and sit down to talk with Hunny.  Yet, knowing it takes two people to make a relationship work I can only do so much on my end.  And honestly that is one of the most terrifying facts of Love there is--knowing that I can not make it work by myself.  Simply knowing that my heart, my desire, my Love is not enough to make this relationship work makes it hard not to just run away in sheer terror out of fear of a broken heart because it would be easier--safer.  Knowing that the fate of not only my relationship, but my heart is equally at the mercy of his hands sets my heart trembling with trepidation.  And that is the greatest most difficult part of the gamble.  But, that is when I ask myself not only if this gamble with Hunny is worth it-- but if I will let my past and fears deny me the right ( or deny him the chance) to try again to Love and be Loved.  
     You, see when I choose Love (as with those of us who do) I knowingly choose to gamble my heart with Hunny.  To take a chance that may be this will be my FOREVER Love.  I choose to bestow upon him the gift of Chance to win my heart for all time.  I choose to allow him into my heart and life.  I choose to be vulnerable, available, understanding, patient, kind, honest--essentially I choose to walk, live, breathe Love; for I have learned that it is more than a word (or many words).  Love is in every action and thought of every moment of every day whether the person is right next to you or 1000 miles away.  For when one Loves (truly--purely love) they are elevated (and the relationship they are trying to build) unto another plateau.  But with Love the gamble isn't just in your hand that counts like in black jack--no it is more like spades.  It is about what your partner is holding just as much as what you are.  And at the end of the day you can only do your best and give your best and hope and pray that your partner understands that they are just as responsible for the success or failure to make your "books" as you are.  (Lol, I couldn't resist adding in some spades references!)  And hopefully (seriously) your partner will understand that just like in spades NOTHING is a surety, but a gamble and a chance and if they play their hand wrong, they will LOSE!
     And it isn't just one misplayed hand, but many that result in the ULTIMATE LOSS.  If you try and try to communicate with words and actions, but there is no change in how they play the game; if they are not willing to try to work with you, to build with you, so that you both can win (not just each other but,) together then it may be time to find another partner (no matter how much it may hurt or how much the loss of your old partner would break your heart).  Because a partner that does not trust or listen to you--a partner who isn't receptive or dedicated to you or your gamble (that you make together), isn't a good partner to have.  For every time they disregard you; take you for granted; ignore; hurt or deny you they are rejecting the love, time, hard work and dedication you have poured into your relationship.  They deny you and everything you are working for.  And Ladies and Gents, I know what that feels like.  That sting I have felt too keenly time and time again and it wearies and frustrates me as I know it must do to all those who have felt and do feel it.  It chips away at the partnership, trust, and very hope that your relationship thrives on--until there is nothing left.   
     Essentially we all need to learn and understand the Love Language of our partners; to understand what they require and what your roll in the relationship requires.  Step forward and understand what it takes to make it work and DO what it takes to make it work so you don't lose out.  Remember every time you slip up you give someone else the opportunity to slip in!  And trust me, if you know your partner is wonderful 9 times out of 10 so do a few other people!  Relationships--LOVE-- is about constantly growing TOGETHER.  (And growing to grow together you must both be there next to each other.)  It is about what you put in (and what you put in is what you get out).  You can not constantly take and give nothing.  You can not constantly chip away at the foundation and expect the building to stand!  If you can not or do not or wish not to LOVE then do not torment your partner acting as though you do.
     I hope that we all can make it through the Seasonal curse of Fall and greet Winter with stronger relationships.  Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind. 
          ~Marissa

Let's Talk About Sex!

     If you think this post is about all my "dirty" little bedroom secrets, well slow your roll because it is NOT!  What this post is about is quite simply--communication!  We have blogged about communication in regards to many different facets in a relationship, but this is our first about communicating in regards to sex.  There can be no trust or intimacy (either physical or emotional) in a relationship--in any facet--if there isn't communication.  Well, how often do you remember to communicate with your partner in the bedroom?
    The only way to enhance intimacy between you and your partner is to show that you are open, receptive and trustworthy.  Nine times out of ten you probably get caught up in the emotions and the actions and before you know it--every thing is basically said and done.  Well whether before, after (or depending on how things are, during) you should take time to communicate with your partner.  If there is something that you really enjoy or really dislike, don't hesitate to let your partner know!  Compliment and verbally appreciate the wonderful things they can do and that you do together, too.  If you are feeling adventurous or curious about something talk with them about it--much more than likely your partner will be supportive and open and you two can venture into new territory together.
     Remember intimacy is important on all levels and this little bit of advice may just lead you to a lot of fun!  It may not be easy, if you aren't used to speaking to your partner about your physical intimacy, but we all must start somewhere.  And I am sure the benefits will be worth the initial hesitancy (or embarrassment) that you may initially experience.
     Remember communication is key to build a healthy and happy relationship--even when it comes to physical intimacy.  What can it truly hurt to try?  Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
          ~Marissa  

Marissas of the World--Unite!

     I remember when I was growing up and only ever knowing of two other girls who shared my name.  One was a few grades under me and the other was one of my mother's favorite actresses, Marisa Tomei.  Outside of us three, I had never known of or met another Marissa.  Honestly it made me a little sad because I couldn't be like the Jenifers, Ashleys or Brittanys in my classes.  I didn't know what it was like to have an automatic kinship with other girls because we shared a name (it was almost like The Ashleys from Disney Channel's animated series, "Recess").  It was rather lonely and of course the more painfully obnoxious children who pointed out how "different" and uncommon my name was, made it so much worse.  Taking into consideration my noticeably unusual appearance and the way I sound I didn't really need one more--well anything to make me stand out, but I had it!
     As I grew older, did some research and realized being the only 'Marissa' in not only my class, but my school wasn't necessarily a bad thing.  My beloved name, 'Marissa', has Latin and Hebrew origins with many different spellings and a couple different meanings, but my favorite is the Latin definition for Marissa which means "Of the Sea".  (Being a true lover of water, the moon and a Pisces it is easy to understand why.)  And with that knowledge of origin, every year that passed I began to fall more in love with my name.  Needless to say by the time I hit college I had so much love for my name that whenever I said it, it would drip from my lips like honey (C'mon say it with me--Ma-RISS-ahhhh, lol)!  SN:  This may also be why I HATE it when people do not say my name correctly or sweetly(Yes I am that emphatic and serious about my name)!
     Now many years after grade school and college a new and unexpected chapter in this story of my name has begun!  It seems as though Marissas have not only grown, but prospered and we are now coming out of the wood works, clawing our way into the sunlight and making sure the world knows we are here!  Marissa's are actresses, models, athletes, musicians, producers, writers, medical professionals, refuge volunteers, and CEO's!  Instead of people knowing one or even none people know multiple ones!  We are as vibrant, unique and memorable as our name!  We are making our mark!  I don't know about every other Marissas (Maressa, Maricia, Marisa, Marisha, Maritza, Mariza, Marrissa, Maryssa, Merissa, Meryssa and Morissa or any other variation in spelling of Marissa), but I feel empowered, encouraged and proud.  And most sincerely quite determined to be one of the great Marissas of the world!
     Okay, I am exiting the roof top and putting down the bull horn.  But you can't blame me for wanting to herald the awesomeness of Marissas!  Until another time Lovelies, I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa

A Letter from a Honest Heart to Her Love

I'm hurt... Abandoned and hurt... Why is it that the ones we love the most hurt us the most? When the world is harsh and cruel, all I want to do is be in your arms; where I am safe and warm. But you are not found. I wanna cry, but the ears will not come. My Heart Guard will not let them out. I wanna throw things and yell, but I cannot move yet alone make a sound. I thought you meant it when you said you'll never leave. I believed you when you told me you'll be good to me. But where are you now? I yearn for you , but you are lost in the sea of people. I believed you, and you let me down. I love you and you're not here to love and comfort me. I am left alone to face this nasty cruel world by myself... without my warmth to keep me going...

I know we have all been there, but the honest truth is that these feeling don't last. If we are honest with our Loves, you very rarely feel this way! But if you Love makes you feel like this more often than not, Beautiful LEAVE! We all deserve someone who will: love, comfort, provide, protect, and stand with us, because we will give them nothing less! So dry your eyes, know that tomorrow will better, and smile that glorious smile!

Until next time, stay open and honest, and love hard!

Finess

I Just Need You!

     I believe that God puts people in our lives for a season, reason or a lifetime.  Some of these people become our Rocks---our Safe Havens.  They become our physical refuge in times of trouble and tribulation.  We all have that one person in our life that fulfills this roll.  And when the storms start to build and we begin to feel ourselves being pushed further out into the dark abyss we turn to our Rocks.  But there are times when our Rocks--our Safe Havens--aren't available.  And when that happens it perpetuates the negative emotions, thoughts and atmosphere that we were trying to find solace from to begin with.  It really adds to the feeling of isolation, frustration and sadness quite exponentially. 
     I know when I find myself in such a situation the only thing I truly want to do is throw myself on the floor bawling my eyes out, kicking and screaming (and throwing things) because I feel like, I try to be self reliant, but when I need my Haven--I NEED MY HAVEN!  It is difficult to be the adult that I am when I want nothing more than to be a bratty, baby about it all!  Maybe I should fuss and yell because when I need my Rock no one else will suffice!  I mean I need my Haven to cuddle, comfort and kiss me!  And even though I love Nessie like a sister she just can't fulfill that role--especially not in that way!  Sometimes the soothing balm of your Haven, the comfort of those arms and that voice are the only things needed to help settle the winds and diminish the fury of the storm you are trying to weather through.  It is impossible to be that kind of physical comfort for yourself.  
     Even though your rock may be the catalyst for the substantial rise of an already bleak and devastating storm this may be all (and most surely is) unintentional.  This is why I truly urge people to realize if they are some one's Rock/Haven and what that means.  Even though we are all adults and life happens and we may not always be able to be there for someone in a physical way--be there for them emotionally or make reparations for faltering.  Because, if I am being quite honest, the hurt of being abandoned by your Rock/Haven is a hurt that runs deep within the heart.  It is an ache that is both physical and emotional and it is a hurt that is difficult to mend.  It causes a crack in the foundation of your relationship and shakes the trust and surety that you have spent so much time and energy to construct.
        Don't hesitate to let them know exactly how their absence affected you.  But do not speak out of a place of hurt that would negatively affect your Rock/Haven.  Remember all the times that your Rock/Haven has been there for you.  And also remember that none of us are perfect, but as long as your Rock/Haven does their best and tries with all of their heart to be there for/with you to help you when you need them--that is what is important.
     Well Lovelies, that is all I have for now.  Until another time I wish you Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
          ~Marissa    

I am Boy-Girl

Hi! My name is Finess and I am a Boy-Girl.
Yes, I admit it, I am a Boy-Girl! A Boy-Girl you wonder? No I am not a transgender person. And shout out to all those who are following their hearts and being who they are, regardless of what others think! But I am a girl who, for the most part, thinks and acts like a guy. From relationships to sex and humor, I have a tendency to side with the more masculine side of things.

This revelation came from a simple conversation with Marissa. I was telling her how funny I thought her Hunny was. And to his credit, he is quite funny! She on the other hand, did not completely agree with me. And after more talking, I admitted that I am attracted to the witty, sarcastic, ass-hole type of guy. Probably because I find their humor similar to mine, and making me laugh is the way to this girls heart! To this, MarMar told me I was such a dude! Though she has said this before, this time I really listened (boy-trait). I just agreed with her and kind of moved on.

Months later, after yet another love life conversation, it was discovered that I was a guy in my approach to my relationships. I have a tendency to kindly demand what I want. I am not the best listener. I am a little one-track-minded. I don't listen. I am a sex hound. Oh did I mention I don't listen well? Shameful, I know! But, I have been fortunate to find a man who doesn't mind all of boyish tings I do! In fact, he even brings out my hidden girlish side, which I really never ever show!

So I am embracing my boyish ways! I am beautiful, but don't mind getting dirty and sweaty. I am funny and love to laugh, though my sense of humor is a bit ass-holey and crude. I love full-heartily and I am very loyal, yet I may not fully listen to everything you say! I would like to think that I am pretty perfect (not in a conceded way), because I stay true to myself. Can you say the same?

Until next time,
Finess... A Boy-Girl

My 30 Year Old Self

     I remember when I was younger and I thought by the time I was 30 my life would be golden; everything I wanted would have been accomplished with great success and I would be settled, happy and completely comfortable.  Well, Yeah, reality slapped me in my face during my quarter life crisis and cured me of that little bit of unrealistic tripe.  The closer I got to thirty the more I realized that life doesn't work like that.  I can plan and work my butt off, but if things aren't meant to happen the way I desire--they won't.  
     By the time I finally hit thirty I had come to understand and accept that control is an illusion; everything happens for a reason (and I mean EVERYTHING); and that even the best laid plans do not always come to fruition.  I also came to terms with the fact that I will always miss my twenty-year old body and I can NEVER have it again.  But, seriously, reminiscing about what I thought my life would be like at thirty and how it truly is--is both humorous and disappointing as well.  
     I know that I am not the only person to feel like this.  And although I have finally found a path of acceptance and understanding a small part of me would have liked to have fulfilled at least one goal on that intricate and well detailed time line I wrote out in my high school notebook.  Even if it was to be married with a couple of kids by twenty-eight or a successfully established author by thirty (hey I am knocking on thirty-one and still haven't gotten my first, 'yes', yet) a little something checked off would make me feel less--disappointing.  Yet, all of those nagging "disappointments" that have remained on that sheet of notebook paper raise a more important question:  Would I be who I am had I already checked off those boxes?
     Would I love the way that I do without going through the trials and tribulations that I have survived?  Would I know how to survive failure without having failed?  Would I be able to empathize with others--understand the importance of defending the meek as well as myself--if I had never suffered, never had to fight?  If my path didn't take me through the darkness would I be able to understand and appreciate the light?  If I had been able to check off some of those boxes I probably wouldn't have had half of the experiences or opportunities I have had.  Nor would I have half of the memories or the people that I love so dearly in my life either.  
     I am thirty and although I didn't think this is where I was going to be at thirty--I am happy to be here.  I have made it through three decades of heart ache, pain, growth, achievement and--adventure!  I am still full of life and light--despite the little bit of darkness--and although I am no longer sparkly and new, I have aged beautifully.  Every crack, bit of discoloration, every flaw is a testament to my resilience, my ability to adapt and survive and not lose--me!  I may not be where I planned, but I am proud of who I am and being able to say that I am still making it.  And obviously whatever God has planned for me is better than what I had planned for myself.  
     Well, that's all I have for tonight!  Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa        

Obligation

     Obligation--what a funny thing it is.  Funny--and dangerous.  Obligation is the father of disappointment, unfulfillment, caprice, and a myriad of other unsavory attributes, emotions and states of being.  Maybe that is why, a long time ago, I decided to forgo the road of obligation.  I discovered (in some of the most difficult of ways) that when you live your life within the realm of obligation nothing you do is sincere; you are trapped by the obligation you manifest (or succumb to) and it slowly kills the person you are.  How can one live life and fulfill their heart's desires, their own expectations or achieve happiness if one is a slave to others?     
     That is no way to live--at least I believe it isn't.  Living that way, losing (or sacrificing) your will--your voice--for the sake of others, how can anyone really call that living?  There are many reasons why people feel obligated.  Sometimes people get hung up on titles (familial, social, occupational, ect.) and the expectations that come with them.  They also believe that they fail at who they are if they do not fulfill every aspect of every role and expectation laid upon them.  They do not understand that this way--this life--will break and corrupt them.  One isn't bad, disrespectful or a failure if they have their own thoughts, feelings and desires!  Nor are they any of those things if they want to (and choose to) explore and/or act on those natural feelings and desires inside of them.
     I cry for those who allow themselves to be and remain so enslaved.  I hope and pray that soon they will see the light, the truth and set themselves free before all they are left with are an empty heart and regrets.  I encourage those of you still trudging along the road of obligation to find your own path, the better path, for when you leave obligation behind and live for your heart and happiness only then can you not only live for yourself, but for others as well.  Without obligation to bind you, what you chose to do (or not do) is completely sincere--the choice and the desire are pure.  Within this pureness of thought and deed there is a more complete joy in helping others as well as a simultaneous fulfillment in being not only who they need, but who you want to be.  Eliminating obligation isn't easy, but then very few things in life are.  It is difficult to break a mindset or unhealthy cycle, but is not your life--your very happiness--worth it?
     Just some food for thought, until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
         ~Marissa

Potter-Head

     Okay so either you do or don't know this but I am a Potter-Head.  No this doesn't mean I smoke pot, this means that I am part of the Harry Potter fandom that has taken a well deserved spot in our culture.  Although I have grown up with and do enjoy other franchises,  there isn't one that stands up to Harry Potter (sorry Twi-hards, although I do enjoy edward and bella they just aren't anywhere close to Harry and Hermoine). 
     Unlike most people I am not a fan solely because of the movies, but because of the books.  You see quite a few years ago (I am showing my age again) when my youngest brother was terribly young his friends started reading a "new" series called Harry Potter.  My mom, not willing to purchase anything she didn't know about for consumption (of any kind) by her children, bought the book and gave it to me to "preview" for him.  From the first page of the first chapter of the Goblet of Fire (I read the books out of order(not by choice I hate doing that)) I was hooked!  Once I gave the ok, Matty got to read them and since I never start a series and not finish it, so did I!  And with that--one by one we all fell in love with HP.
     From a literary stand point it was one of the most engaging, creative, well written YA novels I had ever had the pleasure of devouring (as most of you know each book is longer than the last).  The movies just added to the absolute affinity I had to the franchise by bringing the characters, the world, we adored to life.  I cried when we lost Sirius and Dumbledore and even more when we lost Severus.  I cheered when Hermoine punched Draco and when Ron found his conviction and subsequently his way back to Harry and Hermoine.  I rooted for Mrs. Weasley when she killed Bellatrix and prayed for Harry during his final battle with Voldemort.
     I don't care how old I am or who knows it--I am proud to say I am a potterhead!  And I know I will share this franchise (books first) with my own children.  For a story that promotes love, intelligence, leadership, hope and friendship is one to appreciate and spread for many years to come!  (If you haven't read it I recommend it, if you can't already tell!)  So let's hear it for the potterheads--the generation that has grown to know that the word ALWAYS carries the same power and importance as LOVE! 
     Until another time I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind!
     Marissa