LOVE--Is More Than A Word

     I know I post a lot about Love, and grant it some of this may seem a bit repetitive--but as it is, Fall is setting in and along with it comes that unfortunate seasonal rut that seems to occur in most relationships.  It seems terribly prevalent during Autumn for guys to get so comfortable that they end up "falling off the Wagon".  So, this has again and again raised the question in mind, heart, soul and conversation--Love--What is Love to you?  Love differs from person to person.  We all have certain Love Languages that touch us more on an emotional level than others.  (If you don't know about your Love Language, why not find out about it at www.5lovelanguages.com !)  And because we all vary so much, it is very important to learn the love language of your significant other in order to understand and be able to show them love in a way that they will not only be able to appreciate, but receive as well.
     I know that Hunny isn't psychic (as most men aren't) and so I strive to communicate with him to help him understand what I need and want as well as to make sure that we are on the same page.  And honestly it isn't always easy.  Not for me--especially because of my past.  But as I am determined to rectify the mistakes of my past and build a healthy relationship I choose to fight against my defense mechanisms.  So instead of running, or throwing up a steel wall, I breathe through my initial fears, hurts and frustrations and sit down to talk with Hunny.  Yet, knowing it takes two people to make a relationship work I can only do so much on my end.  And honestly that is one of the most terrifying facts of Love there is--knowing that I can not make it work by myself.  Simply knowing that my heart, my desire, my Love is not enough to make this relationship work makes it hard not to just run away in sheer terror out of fear of a broken heart because it would be easier--safer.  Knowing that the fate of not only my relationship, but my heart is equally at the mercy of his hands sets my heart trembling with trepidation.  And that is the greatest most difficult part of the gamble.  But, that is when I ask myself not only if this gamble with Hunny is worth it-- but if I will let my past and fears deny me the right ( or deny him the chance) to try again to Love and be Loved.  
     You, see when I choose Love (as with those of us who do) I knowingly choose to gamble my heart with Hunny.  To take a chance that may be this will be my FOREVER Love.  I choose to bestow upon him the gift of Chance to win my heart for all time.  I choose to allow him into my heart and life.  I choose to be vulnerable, available, understanding, patient, kind, honest--essentially I choose to walk, live, breathe Love; for I have learned that it is more than a word (or many words).  Love is in every action and thought of every moment of every day whether the person is right next to you or 1000 miles away.  For when one Loves (truly--purely love) they are elevated (and the relationship they are trying to build) unto another plateau.  But with Love the gamble isn't just in your hand that counts like in black jack--no it is more like spades.  It is about what your partner is holding just as much as what you are.  And at the end of the day you can only do your best and give your best and hope and pray that your partner understands that they are just as responsible for the success or failure to make your "books" as you are.  (Lol, I couldn't resist adding in some spades references!)  And hopefully (seriously) your partner will understand that just like in spades NOTHING is a surety, but a gamble and a chance and if they play their hand wrong, they will LOSE!
     And it isn't just one misplayed hand, but many that result in the ULTIMATE LOSS.  If you try and try to communicate with words and actions, but there is no change in how they play the game; if they are not willing to try to work with you, to build with you, so that you both can win (not just each other but,) together then it may be time to find another partner (no matter how much it may hurt or how much the loss of your old partner would break your heart).  Because a partner that does not trust or listen to you--a partner who isn't receptive or dedicated to you or your gamble (that you make together), isn't a good partner to have.  For every time they disregard you; take you for granted; ignore; hurt or deny you they are rejecting the love, time, hard work and dedication you have poured into your relationship.  They deny you and everything you are working for.  And Ladies and Gents, I know what that feels like.  That sting I have felt too keenly time and time again and it wearies and frustrates me as I know it must do to all those who have felt and do feel it.  It chips away at the partnership, trust, and very hope that your relationship thrives on--until there is nothing left.   
     Essentially we all need to learn and understand the Love Language of our partners; to understand what they require and what your roll in the relationship requires.  Step forward and understand what it takes to make it work and DO what it takes to make it work so you don't lose out.  Remember every time you slip up you give someone else the opportunity to slip in!  And trust me, if you know your partner is wonderful 9 times out of 10 so do a few other people!  Relationships--LOVE-- is about constantly growing TOGETHER.  (And growing to grow together you must both be there next to each other.)  It is about what you put in (and what you put in is what you get out).  You can not constantly take and give nothing.  You can not constantly chip away at the foundation and expect the building to stand!  If you can not or do not or wish not to LOVE then do not torment your partner acting as though you do.
     I hope that we all can make it through the Seasonal curse of Fall and greet Winter with stronger relationships.  Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind. 
          ~Marissa

Let's Talk About Sex!

     If you think this post is about all my "dirty" little bedroom secrets, well slow your roll because it is NOT!  What this post is about is quite simply--communication!  We have blogged about communication in regards to many different facets in a relationship, but this is our first about communicating in regards to sex.  There can be no trust or intimacy (either physical or emotional) in a relationship--in any facet--if there isn't communication.  Well, how often do you remember to communicate with your partner in the bedroom?
    The only way to enhance intimacy between you and your partner is to show that you are open, receptive and trustworthy.  Nine times out of ten you probably get caught up in the emotions and the actions and before you know it--every thing is basically said and done.  Well whether before, after (or depending on how things are, during) you should take time to communicate with your partner.  If there is something that you really enjoy or really dislike, don't hesitate to let your partner know!  Compliment and verbally appreciate the wonderful things they can do and that you do together, too.  If you are feeling adventurous or curious about something talk with them about it--much more than likely your partner will be supportive and open and you two can venture into new territory together.
     Remember intimacy is important on all levels and this little bit of advice may just lead you to a lot of fun!  It may not be easy, if you aren't used to speaking to your partner about your physical intimacy, but we all must start somewhere.  And I am sure the benefits will be worth the initial hesitancy (or embarrassment) that you may initially experience.
     Remember communication is key to build a healthy and happy relationship--even when it comes to physical intimacy.  What can it truly hurt to try?  Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
          ~Marissa  

You Asked WHAT, Now?!?!

     Some people ask the strangest questions.  Like the other morning when someone asked me, "Why do you have a boyfriend..."  I mean, seriously?!?!  What kind of question is that?  I think the world has a rather ridiculous view on divorcees!  Divorcees (vary of course) aren't all jaded, reclusive, cat loving women who spend their day cursing the male sex to impotency and painful deaths.  Just because I am divorced doesn't mean I have given up on love, commitment and/or marriage.  My life isn't over, my story hasn't ended, just because a chapter has finished!  I mean c'mon guys!  I ( can only speak for myself(and maybe those out there who are similar, too)) am not going to stop living or close my heart because my first marriage didn't work.  My divorce didn't eradicate my desire to be (happily) married and have a family.  Seriously should any hiccup in life stop us from living?
     I believe that after going through such a serious heartbreak (or heart break of any kind, really) one should take time to heal; accept what happened; and learn from the mistakes made.  There is no reason to let hurt, pain, trials or tribulations stop you from living your life; going after what you want or being happy!  Remember there is no time limit on the healing process because it varies from individual to individual.  Everyone has their own process (or at least they should) some people will take years, others only months and that is perfectly fine!  the most important thing is that you heal so you can understand and move forward in your life instead of stagnating or becoming a bitter buttercup!
     I don't want to stagnate, stifle or deny my heart's desires.  I refused to get encumbered by my divorce or what happened in my marriage.  I learned from the good and the bad; no bitterness exists in my heart; I am happy and going after what I want.  Thanks to the good grace of God and amazing people in my life, I have healed and I am striving to accomplish the goals I have set forth for myself and my life.  And having someone amazing to share my life with is part of this.  Not every divorcee will marry only once or spurn relationships--at the very least this one won't! 
     Well that's all for now, until another time I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa

How Does a Man Show His Love?

     So one of my lovely friends asked this question this evening during a long and rather in depth conversation.  My answer was I don't know, not truly (does any woman, for that matter).  I don't know in specifics, I can only speak from my experience and I sure as heck can't speak for the sex.  But the question did spark something in me and as promised, this post is most definitely for her (not only, just especially)!
    * As I stated before, I can only speak from my experiences (I will do my best with this post, promise).*
     Every man loves and shows his love differently--this is true for everyone, whether man or woman, but since we are focusing on the opposite sex, let's stay on track.  A man's capacity to love depends on his definition of love; understanding of love; ability to receive and reciprocate love and his desire to love.  Considering the myriad of variations that I can't even begin to touch on (and do sufficient justice), I will touch on what little I do believe to know.
     Physical--Some men feel like they convey their love best with their bodies.  They relish touching and being touched.  They adore desiring and being desired and they show that when they give themselves and receive their women's bodies.  Whether it is PDA or sex (or both), some men show what they can not say with physical love and affection.
     Verbal--Some men are quite comfortable vowing the earth and moon and stars.  They will promise forever (whether they strive to or not, again, depends on the man) whether in verse, song or conversation. They are comfortable and gifted (with a damnable silver tongue) with being able to convey their love and devotion with their words.
     Providing--Some men show their love by providing for their women.  They work hard to give them the life they want and deserve.  They want to fulfill the role of provider and (financial) protector, so they work hard to build a life they can share and be proud of.
     Emotional--Some men show their love by being emotionally vested in their relationship.  They are supportive and understanding.  They aren't afraid to cry with or for you nor laugh with you either.  They show you not only what they feel, but that they understand (and can empathize) your feelings as well.  They are not afraid to show the world how you make them feel or how they feel about you.
     Thoughtful--Some men show their love by being thoughtful.  They are considerate and in considering their women, show them that they are important in their lives.  They do the sweet little nothings, remembering anniversaries and family members birthdays, etc.  They make sure that their women know that they are thinking of them and they remember the important things about them. 
     All In One--And then there are those who show their love across the board.  They show it physically, verbally, emotionally and with their actions and thoughts too (and with a whole lot more that I haven't even (nor would attempt to) touch on).  They are what I considered to be more well rounded (and rare) for they are in a place to love someone wholly and show it, not in bits and pieces, but in every way.  These are the men who are balanced and appreciate (as well as utilize) the many different ways of conveying their love.
     Even in stating this I will say that there are no limitations on any individual and the way they show their love (except those they put upon themselves).  Someone may start out preferring to show it one way, or another, or even a mixture of a few and (after hard work and genuine dedication) become an All In Oner.  Every ability (to love and show love) depends solely on the individual and this pale skeletal post can never deliver a truly just explanation in so short a space or time.  Yet, I still hope that it has helped even a little.
     Remember the only way to know how a (specific) man shows his love is by watching and listening.  And another note, don't try to change how a person shows their love.  True change can only come from a sincere desire (and choice) from the individual.  The fact that someone desires to show you their love for you is a truly precious and wonderful thing.  Enjoy and appreciate it to its fullest because love is a fragile and magnificent thing.
     Until another time, I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind!
     ~Marissa