The NeverEnding Battle

Am I the only one out there who has this Neverending battle within themselves? I know what side i want to win. I try to sway the results, but it seems to be in vain. The fighting goes on and on and on.

I'm talking about the desire to love and be loved waging ware against my evolutionary need to stay sane and survive.

I want love. Real love. Stuff my grandparents had. Love that lasted more than a couple of months. The love that sweeps you off your feet and makes you certain there is a God. The love that never quits. The one that keeps couples glued to one another for decades. The one that survives all of life's milestones: marriage, children, retirement, grandkids, great great grand kids. The one that makes waking up everyday to that special person worth every hardship you have faced together. You know, just simple and real love.

And though my heart and soul desires this real love, my practical side has that all too familiar guard up. I have been hurt so many times by men who claim to love me. I have men lie to my face while trying to use me. I have invested many feelings, hopes, and dreams into little boys who just want to get a taste of my body. So how can a girl not be skeptical of any new man who walks in selling big dreams of grandeur? I was meant to survive, to succeed, to thrive, and by all means I will! But this need to love seems to be in contradiction of what love looks like in my generation.

So how do you decide which side wins? And my friends I honestly do not know. I feel like I can never get my hopes up in fear of getting hurt again, but the romantic dreamer inside of me wants to wish that this man is finally the one. I can stop this horrible dating game and be a happy married old lady! I don't want to give up on love, like so many people I have come across, but I am starting to become tired of picking up and mending the pieces of my heart that have been chipped away over the years!

So if any of you guys have an answer to how to end the Neverending war, Please Share!

Much Love!

-Finess... Aka Tired and Weary Soldier 

V Day Date Night!

     Okay y'all, since I am still trying to defeat whatever bug I picked up at work (hazards of the career I love is more than worth it though) I thought that I would be productive and fulfill my promise to finish another blog for you guys before Valentine's Day!  This one is just as important as the first one I put up this week and also just as relevant!  Valentine's Day is right around the corner--VALENTINE'S DAY IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER, Y'ALL!!!!!  Okay now that I have gotten your attention I do hope that you have very special things planned for your Significant Other!  And please, PLEASE, PLEASE, don't be absolutely cliche and only go with dinner--DON'T DO THAT!!!!! STEP IT UP and GET THAT IMAGINATION IN GEAR!!!! Please be creative, please do not squander this opportunity to knock your S.O.'s socks off!
     If you decided to save up and do something special then don't do it halfway!  You can make a day of it, wake them up with breakfast in bed, their favorite coffee or shower them in flower petals and kisses and/or present them with their VDay gift or a bouquet of their favorite flowers (honestly I am such a sucker for Peonies, but they are so hard to find that if ever I got a bouquet of them I would probably melt--key point--I am not the only woman like this in the world *hint, hint*)!  (I mean who doesn't love waking up with something special or in a special way and if you start the day like this I am sure it will benefit you both!)  Get started early with a picnic in a park, hike up to a waterfall, couples massage or mani/pedi session (or give them one if you are good with your hands *wink, wink*).  Come back home and take sometime to love each other.  Read poetry, sit face to face and really--and I do mean really--look at your S.O.  Talk with them, touch them, make love to them, laugh with them or even watch a movie.  Get in a relaxing wind down together and enjoy that QT you may not usually get to have because your lives are so busy!  And don't get me wrong--I mean dinner is good, great, especially if your S.O. is a foodie (I know I am)!  But, don't ONLY do dinner!  What about a trip to the planetarium (before or after), Sky View, play, ballet or even the Botanical Gardens.  Maybe even do dessert and coffee afterwards at a swanky coffee house or check out a poetry reading at a really boho or trendy underground spot.    

     And remember it is about the memory not the price of things.  If you are dating on a budget then pull up Bing or Google and start researching what is being offered in your city/state.  There are usually lots to do that are either free or budget friendly all you ever have to do is look.  And again if you are on a budget then make this a DIY Valentine's day.  Write a poem and make a handmade card.  If you are uber artistic then paint a picture--literally--or carve something.  Got a pair of pipes on you (lucky dog) then write a song or sing them a song that really captures your relationship.  You can always bake, cook dinner, light a few candles and cut out some hearts and decorate your place!   Ideas and opportunities are only as limited as your imagination!  So DON'T BOX YOURSELF IN!!! Take this opportunity to make some awesome memories and let your imagination and love run wild!

      I wish you guys an absolutely awesome VDay weekend and until another time Love and Happiness of the truest kind.

Always,
     Marissa          

The Art and Beauty of Making Love

     Well it is that time of the year, yet again.  Although loving and cherishing your partner should be a part of your every day life throughout the year this month is the month of love!  Cupid, Aphrodite, Chocolate, Bears (I added that in selfishly I still want a giant, soft, fluffy, pretty one--what can I say I love teddy Bears), Puppies (again, selfish addition because I desperately want a French Bulldog), Bouquets, and Fancy Dinners aside I'm pretty positive we all know that the weekend (not just the day) is almost a guaranteed "I'm going to get lucky" weekend.  All the impending giddiness aside I would like to get serious about just how lucky you really are.
       Our bodies are beautiful--man or woman, chubby, slim, curvy, svelte, tall, short, it doesn't matter.  OUR BODIES ARE BEAUTIFUL.  And when you are in a relationship where someone has chosen to share this beautiful gift with you--you should cherish it.  Hopefully you already do this, but if you haven't for whatever reason I encourage you to heed this advice and live it from this day on.  Honestly, I don't understand anyone not having the desire to know everything about their partner's body.  Do you not want to explore that wonderland?  How can you not want to know what makes your partner weak in their knees?  Is it not worth taking the time to bring them to a level of ecstasy that they may have never reached before--would you not take pride in that?  How can you not feel blessed and powerful knowing the pleasure and joy you can bring to them by knowing their body?
     First, though, I implore you to please set the mood.  Even if you take time to learn and explore them, but you make your partner feel unattractive or unwanted before or after then it will seem insincere and nothing more than a waste.  Be FULLY IN THE MOMENT.  Start the seduction with a gentle touch, or suggestive whisper, maybe even in just how you look at them (like you want to devour them or like there is no one in the world but them).  Everyone is different.  Hopefully you know your partner's seduction style.  Personally I am the kind of woman who loves to be seduced mentally--first.  I want you to catch my eye and speak with me with your look--reinforce it with your words--then solidify it all with your actions.  But, like I said everyone is different.  Some people are more physical and prefer someone whose touch is their undoing--others are seduced by words--it should be considered a privilege to know your partner in such ways as this.

     Once the mood is set then you can move on to the equally enjoyable and wonderful step of getting to know/explore them.  Speaking of, I really don't understand how, in the time you have spent together, you not know the smell of their skin and how it feels as it slides against yours; learned every inch of them--how it tastes--and where it is most sensitive.  How blind, selfish and callous can you be not to see how it changes color, arcs, curls, when you lick, nibble or bite it in one spot or another.  The touch of their hair in your hands or the feel of it as it slips through your fingers like delicate waves or soft bouncy clouds.  Allow your hands to memorize the shape and curve of every inch of it--then let your lips follow suit.  Watch how they breath, move, sigh, look them in their eyes and be aware--listen, taste, learn--partake in the bountiful pleasures this gift offers.  If you haven't before--get to know your partner's body from head to toe--this would be a perfect opportunity to do so (and make up for all the times you haven't, at least start to). 
     I guarantee you if you do, this will bring another level of intimacy, freedom and appreciation to your relationship.  And I am also sure this will embolden your S.O. to do the same with you.  Take time--MAKE TIME--I promise you, that you will never regret it.  Take time to cherish and honor the gift that your partner is sharing you--the most natural and precious gift--their body.  (*Please not the repetition of the word TAKE was intentional and not due to oversight.)  Well, I will try to post one more before the big V DAY, but if I am not able to, I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!

Always,
     Marissa

The Differences Between the Sexes

     Do you remember that book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?  I know I am dating myself a bit here, but do you remember just how big a deal it was when it first hit the shelves?  I do, I was a little young, although not that much, and I remember for the longest that was all most adults could talk about.  Honestly, I have never read it--nor am I inclined to, but the whole premise that men and women are from two vastly different planets is rather interesting.  It is also a touch sexist too considering that we created that classification box to decide that when certain sexes display certain emotions, thoughts and ideals that some are only acceptable for either a male or female to have.  But, I am being tangential in my thought process.  The point of my reminding you of that book is to emphasis how right it is--in a way at least--about the emotional differences between most men and women.
     I have had this conversation with my girlfriends multiple times.  Sometimes we wish we could just date each other.  Why? Not to fulfill a lesbian fantasy, sorry to burst your bubbles, but because we understand each other.  There is never a moment I have to worry about them not being loving, supportive and kind.  They are honest, dependable, accepting and fun to be with.  There is never a worry in my heart that I have to walk on thin ice or egg shells with them AND they appreciate all of my quirks and flaws.  They want to and do make time to spend with me.  They are emotionally available and open.  They understand their short comings and strive to better themselves.  They never lie to me or give me empty promises--as the list grows longer I am sure you can see why this is a conversation between us.  We get each other and understand what we need.  It would be as easy as breathing--it would WORK.
     Unfortunately, we don't have a real desire to date each other.  What's worse is there is such a pathetically dire shortage of men who know how to emotionally engage and connect with, that it seems damn near impossible to have a real relationship with them anymore.  Too many like to coast and have shallow relationships.  They don't want to or know how to expel the energy necessary to build an emotional foundation with the person they claim to love/care about.  What they don't seem to understand to this day, no matter how many books are published, is that an emotional connection with their S.O. is the most important thing to maintain.  Because once a woman checks out emotionally because of neglect it just pushes her that much closer to walking out the door.  Like one of my dear besties said earlier this week, "Women put up with a lot of shit, but when they have finally had enough it is really over".  I couldn't have said it better myself.  Most women really do try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and--well you get the point, but when the trying is done and they keep giving and fighting to no avail and they decide it is time to walk then there is no way to save or repair the damage that has been done.  And yet most guys still wonder what happened and where things went wrong.  Well sweet cheeks when you don't nourish and care for the emotional well being of your relationship--you open the door for someone else to step in who will--you open the door for your S.O. to walk out too.  And the only person to blame is YOU!
     In reality Love isn't enough--you can't hang or abuse your relationship on the fact that your S.O. loves you.  You must build trust; grow to understand your S.O.; and nurture your relationship.  If you don't do these things then nothing else matters because the relationship won't succeed.  Every woman has a breaking point.  And if you don't care enough to give her what she deserves and you break her--then she is within her right to leave.  If you don't have the maturity or drive to see that these things are necessary and worthwhile then maybe you should just be man enough to admit you can't handle a relationship and be by yourself.  It is a little tough--but tough love sometimes is very necessary.  Besides a little punch to the throat is good for some people!  Until another time I do wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
     Always,
         Marissa  

Inclinations of Real Love

     Love is a beautiful and empowering thing.  I will always stand by that belief--no--by that knowledge for I know that it is true.  When love is REAL it is a revelation and even at times an entity that encourages rebirth.  No matter what happens in my life or relationships, I have found that his is a constant truth.  It can change people; it should change people.  When you love someone (no matter what kind of love it is i.e. familial, friendly or romantic) it changes your world and even how you see and treat the person you love.  When you truly love someone, purely, and wholly their happiness comes before your own.  For when the person you love is happy, you're happy, the happiness that is given is then shared in an endless circle between the two in the relationship.  (The same goes for unhappiness and sorrow as well.)  In loving someone--the desire to cherish them is innate.  And being just another natural Inclination of real love--and in desiring to fulfill it--you respect and protect them from the world and at times even yourself.  So, where you might have been selfish before you become selfless--when you really love another; when you would only protect yourself you now protect another.  Love brings growth in many different facets.
    And then of course there is the desire to learn and bond that comes with REAL love and care.  The adventure and privilege of getting to know someone with a depth that few others do is both thrilling and a deep desire of those who Love.  I don't believe it is possible to love someone and NOT desire or even truly attempt to know them.  How can you love someone you don't want to or just don't know at all?  When you love someone, in the desire to protect and be a safe harbor for them, knowing the depth at which the person you love hopes, dreams and fears is of utmost importance to you.  In getting to know their depth their world opens up to you.  And that is where and when the bond begins.  Learning their faults and virtues; interests and pet peeves is just as important as learning the intimacy and beauty of their body.  You can not love without learning or bonding--and if you do, then that love is shallow and doomed to fail, if you will forgive my tactless honesty.  Personally there is no desire in my heart to be with anyone in any form who does not desire nor sees the importance in knowing me.
     As you learn and bond with the person you love, your world opens up as well.  If the person you love is very different from yourself you are presented with an opportunity to learn from them--even if it isn't an interest or view point you share or agree with it is a new perspective and opportunity to see and understand things in a way that you haven't necessarily known of before.  It is also an opportunity to make that person happy by sharing in something that they enjoy with them--it also shows them their importance to you as well even if it isn't your thing to do, but you still do so, happily to enjoy something both with and for them.  If the person you love is very similar  to you then you can expand on the common interests you have together and even learn new things together too.  Every moment with the person you love is an opportunity to learn, bond and grow TOGETHER.  These are the opportunities that literally make or break a relationship.  Whether it is learning what makes them laugh; how to comfort them in times of need or distress; or how to play together, these are those (sometimes) little moments that will always mean the most and hold the greatest importance in the success or failure of a relationship.
    Then of course there is the beauty, necessity and joy of intimacy both emotional and physical.  Being a respectful, understanding protector of the one you love you have given them the gift and ability to be open and vulnerable with you.  This is a privilege, honor and a joy that is shared by the two people who are in the relationship together.  To become a person that is loved and trusted so much that another person is happy and comfortable being open with their emotions is a beautiful thing and quite the achievement too.  It is definitely a step in the right direction.  When your love is true, there isn't a need for the person you love to walk on egg shells; they can be exactly who they are and know that they are loved and accepted for being their wonderful self.  No need for masks or to hide behind expectations they know that you love their flaws unconditionally as they are a part of who they are.
     When someone can be emotionally vulnerable and open with you; then they can also share their physical intimacy with you.  But even this is different, even this has a different level.  When their is real love, trust and protection--again--another world opens.  Then the one you love feels safe to express themselves intimately without the fear of being judged, rejected or misunderstood.  When you create that openness and safety, then it is possible to take your time to explore and learn their body, there is so much joy in knowing someone intimately who can express and explore without inhibitions to hinder them.  An inclination of Real Love is to know the one you love in totality and not squander those opportunities by rushing, but by cherishing them.  And not just because of my own natural temperament, but because I honestly know the often skirted and overlooked importance of emotional and physical intimacy in a relationship do I encourage you to learn the one you love in TOTALITY.  What kiss quickens the breathe; what touch encourages a sigh; what bite births a groan; what nibble makes them weak in their knees.  Learn the feel of their skin; the arch of their neck; the dip of their shoulder and curve of their hip.  Again when you love someone their satisfaction comes before your own (just like their happiness) and is shared back again with you.  As I said before when you Really Love, you change, your desires and priorities change and not because you are told or badgered into it, but because you have  a NATURAL INCLINATION to be the person the one you love deserves.
     The inclinations of Real Love are what relationships are made of; if they do not exist how can the relationship exist?  Of course not everyone is able to love, really, in totality.  Some people realize this and still quite selfishly engage in relationships before they are truly capable of being an equal lover and partner in the relationship.  Unfortunately some do not realize it, even though none of their relationships ever reach a respectable longevity or even success--they blame everyone and everything before looking inward.  But then self realization and growth is difficult for the majority of people in this world.  To those who are not yet on this level, if love is truly what you want--the deep, long lasting love--I encourage you to strive and struggle to grow in order to experience and give it.  For those of you who are there--find someone who can match what you offer.  Believe me, it is a living hell loving someone who isn't on that level with you.  To everyone, I do wish you all Love and Happiness of the Truest kind!

~Always
Marissa           
               

The Dangers of Neglect

     Neglect has many forms but each are equally as dangerous as the other.  No matter what kind Of  relationship (romantic, friendly or familial) it presents itself in, it is truly dangerous and detrimental.  Neglect is like a gateway or a door opener for relationships.  It is a major source of deterioration in the love and trust of a relationship. And it spreads like wildfire. 
     The most interesting thing about it is that many times the Neglector doesn't realize that they are being neglectful.  And quite honestly I believe the people who are oblivious to the neglect they inflict are the absolute worst.  But in this case I would like to remind you all that perception is reality.  You see the person who is neglecting the other many times may believe their actions are anything but neglectful when in reality they are.  But since they are not on the receiving end of their actions and inflictions they believe  themselves as being virtually blameless as to the negative affect they have on others.  Where as the person being neglected knows this not to be true because of the effect the other person's actions has on them.  I believe that the results of actions, words and thoughts are the true reality that exists.  I will simultaneously recommend you all to be aware individuals and not just self aware--no--be relationship aware.  Be aware of the people you are in relationships with and your effect on them.  Learn to be self less enough to learn about them; learn how to read them and realize your effect on them.  This should be done regardless if you truly love and care for someone.  
      You see Neglect as I said before opens the door for other things and some cases people to come into the relationship.  It also opens the door for people to leave.  We are, after all, only human.  There is only so much harmful, hurtful,  neglect someone can endure before they are driven out of a relationship either emotionally, physically or both.  And no one should be expected to endure such harmful atrocities  either.  Neglect, such a dangerous creature, whose harm is barely repairable if at all.  I marvel when someone swears they love another but their neglect is so blatant that it is palpable.  Like I said, it is dangerous, and knowing what it feels like and others who do and have endured it, I can see how people are tempted to stray, betray or disappear from the relationships they are in.  Neglect puts people in to such sad states that at the first genuine opportunity for happiness they become eager, hungry for it and so will do anything to achieve it after they have been treated so badly for so long. 
    So my plea to you all is to be relationship aware especially if you care and/ or love someone.   Don't just care and love them with empty words and promises that hold no meaning.  Strive to be emotionally responsible and aware of your affect on others.  Until another time, I wish you love and happiness of the truest kind.

Marissa 

Opening Doors

Relationships are precarious and beautiful things no matter what kind they are.  Some are meant to last forever while others, for only a moment within life.  Maybe that is what makes them so beautiful.   Even relationships that are never fully realized or fulfilled hold a majesty of their own, though there existence may have resulted in pain or loss it did at one point inspire love and happiness.  Most relationships,  I believe,  retain their beauty no matter the outcome.  Even so,  no matter how long a relationship is destined to exist it should always be maintained until it has run its course.
     Isn't it interesting how relationships can start from nothing?   A chance meeting, s new job, even simply exploring or doing something new can lead you into a new one.  All it takes  is one person opening the door for another.   Although it takes two to make it work, ironically it can only take one to make it end.  Basically relationships, "...open at the close".  Sometimes it is intentional,  someone either physically or emotionally pushing you out of the door of their life, one that was once open for you, a welcoming entrance.  But other times it is subtle,  maybe unintentional even, but that doesn't make it any easier to take.  
   In truth I believe the subtle "shoves" are the worse.   It starts with the decline of consideration,  empty words, broken promises,  procrastination--these all lead to the decline of trust and a quickly evaporating desire to remain within the relationship.   Of course things, if left in such a state as this, begin to deteriorate rather quickly for the lack of trust is a consuming poison that murders affection,  passion,  desire and intimacy.  By the time one or both parties realize it,  there is nothing left to salvage.  Such a sad and devastating realization can be rather traumatizing. 
     You see we chose how we navigate the course of our relationships with every word,  action and decision.   We must be careful and mindful for once  poor choices are made the course into the storm becomes virtually inevitable.   And once in it,  it is very difficult to navigate out as much so as it is to repair the damage that is done.  That is why we must not say we love and cherish someone if we do not bestow on them every regard that those words entail .  We must always remember that words are powerful and should not be used carelessly and the same is true for actions.  That is why we must always endeavor to do and be our best, no matter what,   for those we have relationships with.
     When these undeniable truths are forgotten, disregarded or overlooked that is when the door opens,  that is when the opportunity is presented for the person that once held an open invitation is inadvertently encouraged to leave or someone else is encouraged to come in and steal them away.  Always remember not to take them for granted for once that door is open you may lose one of the best and most important people in your life.   Until another time I wish you love and happiness of the trust kind.
     ~Marissa

New Addition

     So--I have a list of fictional men that I believe all men should learn from.  It may seem silly but hey I didn't ask you.  Truth be told I think a lot of men would be better off if they chose even two of these men to emulate, but hey that's just my opinion.  I have yet to meet any guy who would undertake such an endeavor.  Anyway, the point I'd me confessing this is to say that I have officially added a new addition to my list.  This, my dear readers, is a very rare occurrence!  I didn't think I would be adding anyone to the list for at least a decade, so imagine my surprise when I finally stumbled across someone worth adding!  Now, without further adieu *insert drum roll here, please* the new addition is LOGAN from "The Lucky One"!
     Now, I'm not adding Logan because of Zack Effron's (sexy and delicious) portrayal of the character, (even though it may be hard to believe) I am adding Logan because of his character attributes.  Logan is honest--really truly honest, sincere, vulnerable, patient, even tempered, selfless, polite, thoughtful (without even being asked to be), observant, calm, level headed and strong.  But he doesn't misuse his strength--he uses it to protect others and at times he uses his strength of presence (and not even his physical strength) to do it.  He doesn't mind hard work, can handle difficult situations with ease and proves to be reliable and brave to boot.  And those are just his general attributes!

     Logan isn't just a very well rounded man on a personal level but on a romantic level as well.  Even though his past is dark and he  is a little broken by it, he didn't run from it.  He understands, takes responsibility for and embraces his experiences and feelings instead of running from them.  He doesn't allow his past to negatively dictate how he approaches/handles his life or relationships.  This enables him to be ready, emotionally available and a steady man.  I absolutely love how he talks to and treats Beth (aka: the very lucky love interest).  He is gentle, understanding and passionate.  He doesn't ever lose his temper with her and is always thoughtful with his words and actions ( I.e. the way he closed the screen door to allow her a safe space while he told her the truth of why he came to Harden).  He supported and protected her without hesitation or needing to be asked.  He cared for Beth and her family, with honor and reverence, all of which made his character insanely attractive and desirable (even more so than his love scenes).  The way he held her, when she needed comfort, touched her when things were "heating up" was an added bonus!
     Nicholas Sparks developed the quintessential, long sought after "perfect" man in this character.  I hesitate to use the word perfect because perfection is impossible to achieve.  And although Logan was wonderful he wasn't perfect.  His ptsd was difficult for him and sometimes his reserve of character could translate over as being ambivalent or even cold, but Logan, this character, is what most women (and I as well) want.  Hence the term perfect, which I do use loosely.  Logan was a good man.  And  that is something that is achievable--something to aspire to be.  His maturity and goodness are what most men are missing.  Too long has the importance of character-gentleness, honesty, reliability, bravery, responsibility, etc. have been over looked and under valued!  That is why chivalry is thought to be dead!  Even though the hopeless romantic in me usually has to fight the jaded-world practical side of me, this character brought both of my warring factions together. 
     So, I hope you will join me in welcoming Logan to The List. And if you haven't pick up the movie--you can thank me for that later!  Until another time I wish you Love and Happiness of the truest kind.

*FOR REFERENCE* The List (in no particular order):  Mr. Darcy ("Pride and Prejudice"), Strider aka: Aragorn (Lord of the Rings), (practically any character and/or a few real life attributes of)--Fred Astaire--Gene Kelly--Carey Grant--Patrick Stewart, Logan ("The Lucky One"), Rick("The Mummy"), Harry Potter(I swear it isn't only because I'm a Potterhead), Rhett Butler ("Gone with the Wind") and Colonel Brandon ("Sense and Sensibility")

Soul Mates

     We are all spiders in this life.  Building connections with others until we have a web connecting us to those we love, like, admire and even hate.  Connections sometimes take time, but the ones that are the most magical happen before we take our first breath.  They are instantaneous, predestined, before we even meet and when we do--BAM--the kindred souls connect; falling together like missing pieces of the same puzzle.  Sometimes these connections are to friends who you know beyond a shadow of a doubt were members of your family in a former life.  Others are your romantic halves--promising love either missed or deprived from lives before.  But no matter what space they fill in your life or heart they are your soul mates.
     I think there is a serious misconception in this world that there is only one soul mate, just one person that completes you.  Maybe for some this is true to a degree, but even then I would challenge them in asking this--who declared that soul mates can only be of a romantic nature?  I know, from my experiences, that I have had many soul mates.  Some have been long lost sisters and brothers, people whom I love and trust as family almost instantaneously (which is out of character for me) because it was the most natural feeling and desire in my heart--a reaction as innate as breathing for me.  And a deep feeling of knowing them beyond this life envelopes me with a warmth, comfort, almost like coming home.  It is surreal and unlike anything I have ever known before.  They are my soul mates.  Our connection and love for each other, even though familial, is still that of a soul mate.
     And of course I have had soul mates in love and romance that have touched my heart in places I never knew existed.  I loved them beyond reason and explanation.  Even if it didn't last or our roads diverged--I love them.  But never have I loved any of them the same.  I love them from the place in my heart and soul they captured and for all of time--just like the kindred brothers and sisters of my soul--that love will remain.  It isn't that they all ended well or lasted long; nor did I love them to the same depth or degree, but the connection was natural and(again) an instantaneous feeling off having known each other long before our paths crossed.  It was real and genuine and that is an incomparable magic all on its own. 
     I can understand if this may confuse some people or that they may think it impossible to connect with different people in such a way, but I believe that they forget that LOVE is infinite.  It is limited only by ourselves.  Soul Connections can be one of the most beautiful and rewarding things in this life.  Neither are meant to always make sense, but they are meant to be appreciated and experienced to the fullest.    Maybe this idea is too "open" for some, but as always I speak from the truth from my heart. Until another time I wish you all LOVE and Happiness of the truest kind.

     --Marissa

Opening and Closing Doors

     Relationships--there are so many different types--no human on this earth has ever existed without having a relationship of some kind.  Connection--love--we all crave it, need it in our lives.  We strive to achieve and maintain healthy, successful relationships.  And truth be told that is a separate job in and of itself, even though it is truly worth it.  But, when relationships start to head south (as some inevitably will)--hit brick walls--or seem to stagnate no matter what you do, say or try, and you are frustrated and hurting because things just aren't working no matter how much love or time you pour into it, what do you do?
     First--Please take time to quiet your mind so you can hear your heart.  REFLECT--evaluate and give yourself a chance to breathe and think things through.  Making decisions or even just thinking about a difficult situation or decision out of a place of hurt, anger, or confusion isn't good for you or fair for your partner.
     Secondly--After your period of reflection, make sure that you realize the part you played in causing the decline of your relationship.  AKA:  Take RESPONSIBILITY!  A relationship takes 2 people, right?  So the responsibility of the health of the relationship lies with not just one party, but both!  Hopefully in your moment of reflection you would have completely assessed not just the errors of your partner, but the your own as well.  If you have then you should be able to accept your own actions (or inaction) that contributed to the situation.  Taking responsibility is just as important as reflecting and evaluating the situation with a clear heart and mind. 
     Thirdly--After you have reflected and taken responsibility then it is time to COMMUNICATE!  After you have clarity, take time to speak with your partner.  Let them know how you feel and where your heart and mind are.  Be as honest and clear as possible.  Do not do them nor yourself the dishonor of lying (not even lying by omission) or hiding the truth.  Be respectful and listen as well as speak your peace.  If your partner is not open or supportive then they have essentially made their decision.
     Lastly--When you take time to not only learn and understand what has caused the decline of a relationship, but to also take responsibility and the time to communicate with your partner then you are in a place to make a DECISION.  You have to decide whether or not this relationship has hope, if your partner is truly open to working on this with you (and not just verbally saying they are, but actually putting in the work, people) OR if it is time for you to end it and go your separate ways.  Unfortunately, love is not enough and one person can not put in all the time, work and energy.  Sometimes it is very hard, especially when you are in love with your partner, to walk away, but if your happiness and well being isn't important to them--it has to be important enough to you for you to protect it; since they have decided not to.
     Essentially what we need to remember is that we are responsible for the success or demise of our relationships.  We are the ones who open and close these doors.  If you are negligent, cavalier, uncaring, lazy, thoughtless, cruel, unromantic, etc. then I hope you realize that you have OPENED the door in your relationship for your partner to walk out or someone else to walk in!  If you want your partner in your life and a successful relationship--it takes work!  If you aren't willing to put in the work (as I have stated before) step aside for someone who will.  You can't completely blame your partner for being unsatisfied, unhappy or even tempted by someone else when you are not meeting nor fulfilling their needs.  I think a lot of times we forget that we are not in relationships for ourselves.  We are in relationships with people because of them--for them--you should want to be with someone because you wish to build a life and a future with them.  You should be with someone because you wish to love, protect, care for them and make them happy. 
     Relationships test your character, heart and very soul.  If you are selfish, egotistical, or even insecure, oblivious, condescending or untrustworthy, etc. then it isn't possible for you to have a healthy relationship.  If you aren't happy with yourself, or too consumed with self in anyway there is no way you can be giving with your partner.  And relationships are all about GIVING to someone else!  Love is worth the risk and the work for me, but not everyone truly--to their core--will feel this way.  And if you are one of those individuals who continuously takes and hurts and expects your partner to sit around waiting for you to wise up!  That isn't fair (it is SELFISH, just in case you didn't know) and it is cruel.
     I know how hard it is to walk away when you are in love with someone, but sometimes that is what that person is betting on--your love for them--taking advantage of your love and consideration.  I would be lying if I didn't say that it hurts!  From experience I will confess that it can physically hurt to leave the one who you have given your heart to, but it sometimes is necessary.  Sometimes we must close a door so that we will be given a key to open a better one.  Contrary wise I also know what it is like to not be completely giving in a relationship as well.  Of course it was unintentional and in retrospect I had to apologize and pray to God to forgive me for my negligence to others and the subsequent pain that I caused.  But, what I learned from the negligence and ignorance of my youth taught me to balance.  I learned to reflect and take responsibility--learn from my mistakes and the mistakes of those who I loved.  I got to know myself and decide not only who and how I wanted to be in a relationship, but what I would and wouldn't accept from my partner as well.
     Life and especially Love are constant learning experiences.  They grant us the opportunity to get to know ourselves--become better people.  I can't regret any of the relationships of my past.  First, because the past can not be undone and lastly because I wouldn't be who I am without that past.  I have loved and lost and my heart has been broken repeatedly.  But, I hope and believe that the majority of us will eventually learn (some more quickly than others).  And the hope of a healthy, beautiful love isn't unrealistic.  We just have to break our negative cycles and mindsets--learn to love ourselves so that we may be able to love others.  Learning the difference and being strong enough to protect your heart and happiness when someone you love doesn't is the most difficult lesson in this life.  But, it is possible to learn it and not only survive, but thrive as well.  
     I am sorry for the length of this post, my lovelies, but I really felt as though this needed to be said.  I hope that this post, despite its length may help at least one person achieve a happy, healthy relationship.  Until another time, I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
     ~Marissa



 

MY Kind of Romance

     Well--we have made it through Spring Fever and Summer Madness (Thank God) and we are now (finally) in the middle of my absolute favorite Season--Autumn!  Autumn blesses us with lovely weather; boots; long walks through golden leaves and cuddling in front of the fire place (to name a few of my favorite Autumn hobbies)!  There are so many lovely things about Autumn and to top it all off it is my first Autumn with Hunny (double the cuddle time)!  And along with all the cuddling, bonfires, hikes, (etc.) burns the brighter than average flame of romance (at least for me).  I don't know what it is about Autumn, but it puts me in a hyper-romantic mood, but--hey I love it (and Hunny isn't complaining either)!  And lucky for me Hunny doesn't mind going along for the ride (or on occasions "driving")!
     I mean Romance is as mutable as Love--it varies from person to person.  Example:  One person may find Game tickets to see their favorite team play their biggest rivals romantic; while another may find a long hike to the top of a mountain at sunrise the most romantic thing ever.  This is why it is very important to get to know your partner and discover exactly what is Romantic for them.  I am happy to share that I am very lucky because my Hunny loves me enough to not only understand and learn what is Romantic to me, but to actually do it.  I will full out (and proudly) admit that I am a quirky woman.  And the other day, I wanted nothing more than to have my hair washed.  I have never asked Hunny to do it before, but for some reason that is what I wanted.  Hunny--being the awesome boyfriend he is actually took the time to do it for me.  He didn't grumble or gripe and to top it all of he took his time and was caring-gentle and diligent.  He asked if I was comfortable with the temperature of the water; how I liked it washed and even if I wanted anything specifically done.  I can not begin to tell you first--how soothing and comforting it was for him to wash my hair, but also how very loved, cared for and special I felt that he would happily take time to do this for me.
     It may seem silly to some, but there was an intimacy and thoughtfulness in every stroke of his hand--every finger along my scalp that turned me into a great-gooey-girly mess.  I was absolutely blissful and content (way less stressed) by the time he finished (he could have asked for the moon and I would have probably given it to him--don't tell him I told you that, though) and I even returned the favor most happily (but I love playing in his gorgeous hair (and he loves when I do too) anyway).  Honestly, sweet thoughts and actions--little things that make me feel special--are very Romantic to me.  Tying my shoe when it is untied; flowers just because you knew they would make me smile; my favorite junk food after I have had a tough day so you can binge and veg out with me; long walks together; a note on my pillow to say you love me; making me lunch and bringing it to my job; surprising me with a day at Tallulah Gorge hiking out to waterfalls or bird watching; an unexpected present (book, movie, perfume, etc.) just because you saw it and thought of me; or even turning off the phone and snuggling up and playing board games and watching movies with me--for me these things are romantic and special.  Romance isn't just about money or fancy dates and vacations--being Romantic or creating Romance can and SHOULD be an every day thing.
     Romance--being Romantic--is more about thoughtfulness and taking time to turn thoughtfulness into action, than anything else.  I have an "Autumn Bucket List" and even though there was a groan from Hunny when I sent it to him after a chuckle he agreed and I can't wait to spend time making new memories with him--trying new things--and enjoying this gorgeous Season!  Day or night when we get the opportunity to have "firsts" together--hold each others' hands and do something different or special I feel loved and cherished and it is so romantically-wonderful that I get all giddy and joyous just thinking about it.  My Romance isn't your type of Romance.  And even if there are similarities there will probably be more differences than not!  I am just so very lucky that my wonderful Hunny loves me enough to share in these moments and indulge in some of my quirkier requests.  So very lucky that my happiness and my sense of Romance being fulfilled is as important to him as his is to me.
     I truly wish that everyone will find that person who holds your happiness above theirs and strives to do everything within their power to make you happy!  There is a beautiful and comforting feeling that comes from that kind of love.  And when you add in the fulfillment of your kind of Romance to that beautiful and genuine love--it is like homemade icing with strawberries on top of the cake!  Well, that is all I have for now.  I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa           

LOVE--Is More Than A Word

     I know I post a lot about Love, and grant it some of this may seem a bit repetitive--but as it is, Fall is setting in and along with it comes that unfortunate seasonal rut that seems to occur in most relationships.  It seems terribly prevalent during Autumn for guys to get so comfortable that they end up "falling off the Wagon".  So, this has again and again raised the question in mind, heart, soul and conversation--Love--What is Love to you?  Love differs from person to person.  We all have certain Love Languages that touch us more on an emotional level than others.  (If you don't know about your Love Language, why not find out about it at www.5lovelanguages.com !)  And because we all vary so much, it is very important to learn the love language of your significant other in order to understand and be able to show them love in a way that they will not only be able to appreciate, but receive as well.
     I know that Hunny isn't psychic (as most men aren't) and so I strive to communicate with him to help him understand what I need and want as well as to make sure that we are on the same page.  And honestly it isn't always easy.  Not for me--especially because of my past.  But as I am determined to rectify the mistakes of my past and build a healthy relationship I choose to fight against my defense mechanisms.  So instead of running, or throwing up a steel wall, I breathe through my initial fears, hurts and frustrations and sit down to talk with Hunny.  Yet, knowing it takes two people to make a relationship work I can only do so much on my end.  And honestly that is one of the most terrifying facts of Love there is--knowing that I can not make it work by myself.  Simply knowing that my heart, my desire, my Love is not enough to make this relationship work makes it hard not to just run away in sheer terror out of fear of a broken heart because it would be easier--safer.  Knowing that the fate of not only my relationship, but my heart is equally at the mercy of his hands sets my heart trembling with trepidation.  And that is the greatest most difficult part of the gamble.  But, that is when I ask myself not only if this gamble with Hunny is worth it-- but if I will let my past and fears deny me the right ( or deny him the chance) to try again to Love and be Loved.  
     You, see when I choose Love (as with those of us who do) I knowingly choose to gamble my heart with Hunny.  To take a chance that may be this will be my FOREVER Love.  I choose to bestow upon him the gift of Chance to win my heart for all time.  I choose to allow him into my heart and life.  I choose to be vulnerable, available, understanding, patient, kind, honest--essentially I choose to walk, live, breathe Love; for I have learned that it is more than a word (or many words).  Love is in every action and thought of every moment of every day whether the person is right next to you or 1000 miles away.  For when one Loves (truly--purely love) they are elevated (and the relationship they are trying to build) unto another plateau.  But with Love the gamble isn't just in your hand that counts like in black jack--no it is more like spades.  It is about what your partner is holding just as much as what you are.  And at the end of the day you can only do your best and give your best and hope and pray that your partner understands that they are just as responsible for the success or failure to make your "books" as you are.  (Lol, I couldn't resist adding in some spades references!)  And hopefully (seriously) your partner will understand that just like in spades NOTHING is a surety, but a gamble and a chance and if they play their hand wrong, they will LOSE!
     And it isn't just one misplayed hand, but many that result in the ULTIMATE LOSS.  If you try and try to communicate with words and actions, but there is no change in how they play the game; if they are not willing to try to work with you, to build with you, so that you both can win (not just each other but,) together then it may be time to find another partner (no matter how much it may hurt or how much the loss of your old partner would break your heart).  Because a partner that does not trust or listen to you--a partner who isn't receptive or dedicated to you or your gamble (that you make together), isn't a good partner to have.  For every time they disregard you; take you for granted; ignore; hurt or deny you they are rejecting the love, time, hard work and dedication you have poured into your relationship.  They deny you and everything you are working for.  And Ladies and Gents, I know what that feels like.  That sting I have felt too keenly time and time again and it wearies and frustrates me as I know it must do to all those who have felt and do feel it.  It chips away at the partnership, trust, and very hope that your relationship thrives on--until there is nothing left.   
     Essentially we all need to learn and understand the Love Language of our partners; to understand what they require and what your roll in the relationship requires.  Step forward and understand what it takes to make it work and DO what it takes to make it work so you don't lose out.  Remember every time you slip up you give someone else the opportunity to slip in!  And trust me, if you know your partner is wonderful 9 times out of 10 so do a few other people!  Relationships--LOVE-- is about constantly growing TOGETHER.  (And growing to grow together you must both be there next to each other.)  It is about what you put in (and what you put in is what you get out).  You can not constantly take and give nothing.  You can not constantly chip away at the foundation and expect the building to stand!  If you can not or do not or wish not to LOVE then do not torment your partner acting as though you do.
     I hope that we all can make it through the Seasonal curse of Fall and greet Winter with stronger relationships.  Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind. 
          ~Marissa

Let's Talk About Sex!

     If you think this post is about all my "dirty" little bedroom secrets, well slow your roll because it is NOT!  What this post is about is quite simply--communication!  We have blogged about communication in regards to many different facets in a relationship, but this is our first about communicating in regards to sex.  There can be no trust or intimacy (either physical or emotional) in a relationship--in any facet--if there isn't communication.  Well, how often do you remember to communicate with your partner in the bedroom?
    The only way to enhance intimacy between you and your partner is to show that you are open, receptive and trustworthy.  Nine times out of ten you probably get caught up in the emotions and the actions and before you know it--every thing is basically said and done.  Well whether before, after (or depending on how things are, during) you should take time to communicate with your partner.  If there is something that you really enjoy or really dislike, don't hesitate to let your partner know!  Compliment and verbally appreciate the wonderful things they can do and that you do together, too.  If you are feeling adventurous or curious about something talk with them about it--much more than likely your partner will be supportive and open and you two can venture into new territory together.
     Remember intimacy is important on all levels and this little bit of advice may just lead you to a lot of fun!  It may not be easy, if you aren't used to speaking to your partner about your physical intimacy, but we all must start somewhere.  And I am sure the benefits will be worth the initial hesitancy (or embarrassment) that you may initially experience.
     Remember communication is key to build a healthy and happy relationship--even when it comes to physical intimacy.  What can it truly hurt to try?  Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
          ~Marissa