Relationships--there are so many different types--no human on this earth has ever existed without having a relationship of some kind. Connection--love--we all crave it, need it in our lives. We strive to achieve and maintain healthy, successful relationships. And truth be told that is a separate job in and of itself, even though it is truly worth it. But, when relationships start to head south (as some inevitably will)--hit brick walls--or seem to stagnate no matter what you do, say or try, and you are frustrated and hurting because things just aren't working no matter how much love or time you pour into it, what do you do?
First--Please take time to quiet your mind so you can hear your heart. REFLECT--evaluate and give yourself a chance to breathe and think things through. Making decisions or even just thinking about a difficult situation or decision out of a place of hurt, anger, or confusion isn't good for you or fair for your partner.
Secondly--After your period of reflection, make sure that you realize the part you played in causing the decline of your relationship. AKA: Take RESPONSIBILITY! A relationship takes 2 people, right? So the responsibility of the health of the relationship lies with not just one party, but both! Hopefully in your moment of reflection you would have completely assessed not just the errors of your partner, but the your own as well. If you have then you should be able to accept your own actions (or inaction) that contributed to the situation. Taking responsibility is just as important as reflecting and evaluating the situation with a clear heart and mind.
Thirdly--After you have reflected and taken responsibility then it is time to COMMUNICATE! After you have clarity, take time to speak with your partner. Let them know how you feel and where your heart and mind are. Be as honest and clear as possible. Do not do them nor yourself the dishonor of lying (not even lying by omission) or hiding the truth. Be respectful and listen as well as speak your peace. If your partner is not open or supportive then they have essentially made their decision.
Lastly--When you take time to not only learn and understand what has caused the decline of a relationship, but to also take responsibility and the time to communicate with your partner then you are in a place to make a DECISION. You have to decide whether or not this relationship has hope, if your partner is truly open to working on this with you (and not just verbally saying they are, but actually putting in the work, people) OR if it is time for you to end it and go your separate ways. Unfortunately, love is not enough and one person can not put in all the time, work and energy. Sometimes it is very hard, especially when you are in love with your partner, to walk away, but if your happiness and well being isn't important to them--it has to be important enough to you for you to protect it; since they have decided not to.
Essentially what we need to remember is that we are responsible for the success or demise of our relationships. We are the ones who open and close these doors. If you are negligent, cavalier, uncaring, lazy, thoughtless, cruel, unromantic, etc. then I hope you realize that you have OPENED the door in your relationship for your partner to walk out or someone else to walk in! If you want your partner in your life and a successful relationship--it takes work! If you aren't willing to put in the work (as I have stated before) step aside for someone who will. You can't completely blame your partner for being unsatisfied, unhappy or even tempted by someone else when you are not meeting nor fulfilling their needs. I think a lot of times we forget that we are not in relationships for ourselves. We are in relationships with people because of them--for them--you should want to be with someone because you wish to build a life and a future with them. You should be with someone because you wish to love, protect, care for them and make them happy.
Relationships test your character, heart and very soul. If you are selfish, egotistical, or even insecure, oblivious, condescending or untrustworthy, etc. then it isn't possible for you to have a healthy relationship. If you aren't happy with yourself, or too consumed with self in anyway there is no way you can be giving with your partner. And relationships are all about GIVING to someone else! Love is worth the risk and the work for me, but not everyone truly--to their core--will feel this way. And if you are one of those individuals who continuously takes and hurts and expects your partner to sit around waiting for you to wise up! That isn't fair (it is SELFISH, just in case you didn't know) and it is cruel.
I know how hard it is to walk away when you are in love with someone, but sometimes that is what that person is betting on--your love for them--taking advantage of your love and consideration. I would be lying if I didn't say that it hurts! From experience I will confess that it can physically hurt to leave the one who you have given your heart to, but it sometimes is necessary. Sometimes we must close a door so that we will be given a key to open a better one. Contrary wise I also know what it is like to not be completely giving in a relationship as well. Of course it was unintentional and in retrospect I had to apologize and pray to God to forgive me for my negligence to others and the subsequent pain that I caused. But, what I learned from the negligence and ignorance of my youth taught me to balance. I learned to reflect and take responsibility--learn from my mistakes and the mistakes of those who I loved. I got to know myself and decide not only who and how I wanted to be in a relationship, but what I would and wouldn't accept from my partner as well.
Life and especially Love are constant learning experiences. They grant us the opportunity to get to know ourselves--become better people. I can't regret any of the relationships of my past. First, because the past can not be undone and lastly because I wouldn't be who I am without that past. I have loved and lost and my heart has been broken repeatedly. But, I hope and believe that the majority of us will eventually learn (some more quickly than others). And the hope of a healthy, beautiful love isn't unrealistic. We just have to break our negative cycles and mindsets--learn to love ourselves so that we may be able to love others. Learning the difference and being strong enough to protect your heart and happiness when someone you love doesn't is the most difficult lesson in this life. But, it is possible to learn it and not only survive, but thrive as well.
I am sorry for the length of this post, my lovelies, but I really felt as though this needed to be said. I hope that this post, despite its length may help at least one person achieve a happy, healthy relationship. Until another time, I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
~Marissa
