The Struggle

(Written in a more free flowering, spoken word, format.  Hence the lack or over exaggeration of punctuation at certain points.  But I write as I am inspired.)

     As I stand here looking over the edge of my mental precipice I feel the very tip of my toes try to balance, hang on for dear life as the force of living pushes me closer and closer and the abyss looms darker and darker--the inevitable panic rears its ugly head and my once trusting heart is being battered again and again by the doubts and fears of all that is impending and I am feeling myself come-- undone. 
    I try to scream but no sound comes out, my vocal chords are boxed into a jail of decency.  And all that I am feeling-feeling-feeling-feeling is trapped within and the momentum behind the force of it all is doubling--and I lose my footing.  Worry upon worry assaults my tattered heart quickly filling it with doubts I thought had been long banished.  They pile upon each other, quickly souring and I turn my nose up in disgust--of myself.  How can I lessen the suffering of my family;  How can I help her when her body is turning against her; Can I fake it till I make it;  Will this paycheck be enough;  got moves I'm trying to make-will I succeed or fall flat on my face?  We are taking this next step, but I'm scared and stressed as I start having nightmares like I've got post traumatic stress--my heart a casualty of divorce and the scars it has left.  The constant conflict of feeling ready, being ready, battling the fear of repeating mistakes and the fear that it will all go the same way!  With all the changes taking place--the lack of knowing, growing-- while I'm trying to regain some sense of self in all the developing I am doing--what of my friends?  The more that pours in the less can be squeezed out and I already feel like I'm suffocating under all this doubt!  I've got nothing left--not for them-not even for my love, let alone myself.  This self inflicted tempest that's raging on inside of my being has me off balanced--and suffering!
     And complicating all of this is Time who makes me its bitch and there is never enough of it--my family, love, friends and even myself pay the price for it.  I feel like the last bit of butter in the tub, being spread through a whole loaf of honey wheat and I have no control over the searing, hot, knife busying itself against my fallible and delicate-softness trying to scrape more out of me than I've got to give.  All the while a silent plea falls from my eyes and unto still silent lips--growth-change-progress--the chasing of happiness--is a battle, but I have turned it into a battle against myself.  I have forgotten my mantra-my shield- of, "If it is meant to be, it will be." And I have allowed the worldly arrows of fear and doubt to pierce me--contaminate me--and sick I feel myself faltering--. 
     But amidst this tempest is my infallible core--and from my soul comes a piercing shriek through the howling winds of my tempest, "I WILL GO ON"!  Perseverance runs hot through my veins and I am ravenous.  I WILL NOT BE DETERRED!  Though I may stumble or fall I will always struggle on.  By sheer will and the drive of my God given soul, I WILL struggle on through this tempest--I shall weather this storm until I have no breath left, I will struggle on. 

We don't Try, We Do

We don’t try, we do...

As a child, my father would said this to me. At first it seemed like a cruel thing to say to a 10 year old trying her damnest; but as I have gotten older, those words still come to mind. My father was not perfect, like no one’s was, but he has been one of my greatest influences in my life. I find myself at 25 still quoting the many sayings he would throw at me. I love you Daddy, and thank you. If it wasn’t for you constantly pushing me, I would have not realize that I can do far more than I imagined. I can be anything of my choosing!

Ok, so back to the saying… We don’t try, We do. This very simple phrase is not meant to discourage any effort that has already been given; it challenges you to do more, to be more! I have to admit that the biggest frustration of my life is to see loved ones, just “try” and then defend the mediocre effort they have given. “Well at least I’m trying”, really gets under my skin. And honestly, I include myself in this equation. I cannot tell you how many years I have “tried” to lose this weight! I would think if I just work out a little bit, then the weight would just fall off. Eventually I would dropdown in size, and everything would be all gravy. But it’s not! I was trying, not doing. I was feeding myself false hope that I would get a big payoff out a little bit of effort. But hey, at least I was trying, right?

Life doesn’t work like that! We can’t continue to do the same things and expect different results. That is the definition of INSANITY! We have to stop kidding ourselves, take off the rose-colored glasses, and face our problems. We all possess the power to shape our world around us, it’s just whether we dare to want to be better than yesterday, and actually do something about it.

We are at the age where life starts judging us for our past mistakes and ask… “Well what are you going to do now?” “Are you going to continue to eat crap?” “Are you still going to sit around smoking all day?” “So are you going to continue to still waste time in unhealthy relationships?” “Are you going to continue to let the things you desire now distract you from the things you need to grow you?” “Can your children and family say they are proud of you?” “Are you still just trying to survive and not thrive?”

Are you still going to stand behind whatever excuse you have because it’s comfortable?

We are the movers and shakers of our generation, and the time for us to take over is coming soon. It seems like half of us have our shit in order, we get it! But the other half is lost, driven by the false sense of just “trying”. As we age, and continue to face real life situations, which side are going to choose? Being a person who “tries”, but never succeeding in their endeavors? Or a person who does, gets it, and prospers in their endeavors, because they have the strength and courage to live the life that they dream? Funny how a simple question of do or try can shape your entire life!

Much love, and well wishes

Finess
“I will never give up, I will never settle, for I dare to dream”

In My Garden

     Hello Lovelies!  I know I have been gone for awhile, but I really needed to take a break and recollect myself.  I needed to remember how to tend to my garden.  Sometimes we get so caught up in life--the running, rushing and general rat race that we all run (to make a paycheck) that we forget to stop, breathe and take time to tend to the most important part of our lives--ourselves.  And truth be told I was so busy being so many things to so many people--spreading myself thin--so much so there was nothing left for me and I was feeling the strain of it all in an unimaginable way.
     With my very being feeling tired and overwhelmed my mind wouldn't quiet--and a feeling of being lost within myself eclipsed everything else.  And I can't begin to explain exactly how the combination of all of this was reeking havoc on me.  One emotion or state of being led way to another and yet another; becoming catalysts unto themselves and creating a seemingly endless cycle--they fed off of each other and I was in great need of getting out my gloves and pulling the weeds that had taken root in my life.  Right now I am still in the process of trying to organize, detox and give myself some much needed love-- unfortunately, like with any garden, it is going to take time and work in order for me to get back to a hundred percent.
     And quite honestly there is no way I can do this by myself--and lucky for me I don't have to.  The out pouring of love and support from Hunny, Chickateeta, friends and co-workers has warmed my heart and reminded me why we shouldn't go through life alone.  I wish I didn't have these painfully human moments, but because of them I am reminded of my blessings; about the people who truly do love and support me; and that sometimes--when overwhelmed--it is OK for others to help you.  That is why we have those special people in our lives.  It is truly during these times (or during their own times of trepidation) that we discover exactly what kind of flowers these people are in our lives--whether they are Seasonal, Perennials or Annuals. During certain trials and tribulations we are able to see exactly what kind of qualities they will bring to our garden and subsequently what kind of longevity they will have as well.
     Maybe that is why times such as this are not only a curse, but a blessing as well.  They can call you back to yourself to cleanse, reevaluate, appreciate and learn.  Obviously I was long overdue and just like I procrastinate on updating my computer (until it does it by itself during the most inconvenient times) I also seemed to have done the same with myself.  I will have to put into practice carving out time for rejuvenation so that I can maintain a healthier Being more consistently than I have been lately.  Well, that is all I have for now.  I can't promise I will have more soon, but I will do my best.  Please learn from my mistake and don't forget to take time to tend your garden because when things become overgrown it is harder to work through your fields.
     Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa         

Drifting

PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN

   
     I am doggy paddling trying to keep my head above water--looking for an inlet, island, cove, sand bank (c'mon throw a girl a bone) somewhere I can rest peaceably before I start my journey again.  But there is nothing in sight. Through tempests, hurricanes, and sporadic storms I have paddled.  And without any haven or sanctuary in sight I am starting to lose my strength.  The constant struggle has (and is) taking its toll.  I am trying hard to be strong, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that I feel myself burning out.  

     A body can only go through so much before it can not sustain itself.  And then what is left?  Trying to balance and survive is difficult enough as it is, but with all of the other external factors (trying to reek havoc in my life) it is practically impossible.  The only thing I can do is pray (which I have been doing), but I am starting to believe that God is tired of hearing my voice (I kid, I kid).  But, what else is left for me to do?  I can't seem to make headway on my own, so--who else am I to look to? 

     But maybe I am missing the point of all of this.  Maybe this is a test of my trust--my ability to not just have hope and faith, but to trust that there will be land before my body gives up the ghost.  Trust that there will be a place of peace, provision and sanctity (hopefully in my very near future).  Trust that every storm pushes me closer to where I am meant to be--need to be.  So it seems as if I may need to continue to doggy paddle (or lie on my back and float with the current for awhile)--continue to try and keep my head above water--and trust that I will hit land soon (or at least a cruise liner).  Maybe, just maybe, I need to work on my trust.

     Well Lovelies the long and short of it is I need to adjust to this new perspective and embrace it.  (And remember there may be something going on in your life that you may need to see from a different angle, too.)  Until another time I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind.

     ~Marissa   

Struggle

    PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN

      Finess asked me one day, "Why is it that good people have to struggle so hard, for so long?".  At that time we actually had a  long conversation about it.  That, as I said, was a little while ago, but I woke up the other morning asking myself the same questions.  Maybe it is because of all the things happening in my life or maybe it is because I know what is going on with others.  Either reason I was rehashing this conversation, but this time I was asking God.
   I know that I am not the only one weary and I found myself asking God when is enough, enough?  I try to take the high road; bide my time and do my best.  I just feel like all of my best efforts, hard work and diligence are all for naught.  When will the struggling and suffering be over?  When will I see the light at the end of the tunnel?
   And with all of my questions, frustrations, stress and exhaustion swirling within me like a tornado I received my answer (in the form of a question).  It was simply, "Would you be who you are if you did not struggle or suffer?"  One quiet question in rebuttal (from the tiny voice within my soul) stopped me dead in my tracks.  Would I be who I am without it?  Honestly--and most assuredly--I would not.  I don't know who I would be, but I wouldn't be me.  Like a diamond in the rough being refined through fire, so am I in my life (so are we all). 
      So I will continue "the good fight"  because I know it is for a reason.  I trust that there will be a better tomorrow and I have to struggle through this so I will be ready.  Remember Lovelies that we shall over come and be all the better for it in the end!  Until another time I wish you love and happiness of the truest kind!
     ~Marissa