Honestly, I wish I could turn it off--what I feel--it would be so much easier; it would be much less like living and more existing, but easier none the less. In truth I feel like most of my life is exactly where and what I desire it to be. I absolutely love my friends. They are magnificent, wonderful and phenomenal. I trust, depend on, and love them all so completely. They enrich my life and I can't imagine being without them! I have moved from a necessary job to the career I wanted with the organization I wanted! And quite surprisingly my (blood) family (collectively at least the majority of us) are starting to come together a little more than we have been in the past few years. But there are just a few relationships in my life that have started to negatively affect my happy. Sometimes I think that I am being selfish from wanting to be happy across the board--in every way possible--instead of just being contented. But then I think that is the most ridiculous of all my thoughts. Should I not be happy--completely happy--shouldn't we all? Then more ridiculous ideas follow suite. Sometimes I think I committed a great sin in one of my previous lives and I am still paying for it in this one--that is why I am not allowed to be completely happy. (I have told Finess this and she thinks it is beyond uber ridiculous.) And yet, considering the darkness that I have survived in my life--the trials and tribulations--I think even if that were true that I would have repaid my karma-debt by now. Then (as if you didn't know that word was coming again) I start to think of things from another perspective. I was told to never let anyone or anything affect my 'happy'. And yet I am--shamefully so. Contrary wise, when there are people close to you in your life do they not have an affect on it whether you wish them to or not? Is that not the gamble we take when we form bonds, connections and relationships with people--no matter what kind they are?
I mean relationships are hard. Especially in this day and age it seems they are exceptionally difficult. Many people are jaded, wounded, fearful, dissatisfied and hopeless about their desired or current relationships (no matter the kind of relationship it is). And if the relationship is emotionally uneven because one individual suffers from any or multiple previously mentioned emotions it negatively effects the other. So not just one person is miserable because of their past or fear of their future, but so is the person they are in the relationship with who they either subconsciously or consciously (deliberately or accidentally) inflict their misery upon. And in their emotional vulnerability and selfishness they can not see the damage they are dealing (or either do not care the pain, hurt and destruction they cause) to those they SAY they love and/or care about. The relationship which was once shinning with promise and filled with hope has earned an unbecoming patina and is slowly emptying of all the goodness that was once in it. And it is that reality--that undeniable and horrific truth of relationships that is standing in my way of my absolute happiness.
The emotions that have been born from this horror plaque me--disappointment, sadness, anger, frustration, fatigue, confusion--they are overwhelming me. When I try and try and try and TRY and TRY and TRY AND TRY to no avail--when I give my best, but it doesn't matter--when I am torn and the voice of the Almighty evades me in the most fervent of my prayers; what is left for me to do? Where can guidance be found? I reflect and I break it down, again and again like slow, willing, painful torture. I think and re-think; evaluate and deconstruct and yet, answers evade me. And in such an overly vulnerable state the emotions take hold and I can not shake them and at the worst of times I can not contain them. And the shame that flitted along the surface of my emotional storm deepen. And the anger, disappointment, frustration and confusion seamlessly snake their spindly fingers, entwining with the shame and joining its direction into the very pit of my heart; the opinion and understanding of myself waivers muddying the water of my, once quite clear, eternal being. It feeds my self-shame and my self shame feeds the rest of the pain mongering emotions that have taken hold.
It has become an endless, ruthless, painful cycle that has spun out of control; as if I ever had control of it in the first place. All of that possibly although seemingly impossible controllable emotions are causing me to doubt the surety I once had of myself and my womanhood. My self esteem is taking a beating and I don't know if it can keep on ticking. Essentially and most simply, with everything that I have and continue to endure with no signs of improvement have started to make my light fade. As I am sure you can see, in this chosen moment of quite necessary, frightening, vulnerable honesty. Funny enough this is not what I thought to blog about today. This kind of happened. So, obviously I will publish it--even thought its simple existence frightens me. Even if it hasn't been terribly therapeutic, maybe it may help someone else. And that is the purpose of our blog. To share our honest stories and opinions in the hopes of showing others that they are not alone and to help them too. So, here it is--or more exact, here I am. Vulnerable, open, doubting--essentially, painfully, human. EEEKKKK! So, I'm just going to hit 'Publish' before my nerves get the better of me.
Until another time, even if I haven't achieved it yet, I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!Always,
Marissa
