The Differences Between the Sexes

     Do you remember that book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?  I know I am dating myself a bit here, but do you remember just how big a deal it was when it first hit the shelves?  I do, I was a little young, although not that much, and I remember for the longest that was all most adults could talk about.  Honestly, I have never read it--nor am I inclined to, but the whole premise that men and women are from two vastly different planets is rather interesting.  It is also a touch sexist too considering that we created that classification box to decide that when certain sexes display certain emotions, thoughts and ideals that some are only acceptable for either a male or female to have.  But, I am being tangential in my thought process.  The point of my reminding you of that book is to emphasis how right it is--in a way at least--about the emotional differences between most men and women.
     I have had this conversation with my girlfriends multiple times.  Sometimes we wish we could just date each other.  Why? Not to fulfill a lesbian fantasy, sorry to burst your bubbles, but because we understand each other.  There is never a moment I have to worry about them not being loving, supportive and kind.  They are honest, dependable, accepting and fun to be with.  There is never a worry in my heart that I have to walk on thin ice or egg shells with them AND they appreciate all of my quirks and flaws.  They want to and do make time to spend with me.  They are emotionally available and open.  They understand their short comings and strive to better themselves.  They never lie to me or give me empty promises--as the list grows longer I am sure you can see why this is a conversation between us.  We get each other and understand what we need.  It would be as easy as breathing--it would WORK.
     Unfortunately, we don't have a real desire to date each other.  What's worse is there is such a pathetically dire shortage of men who know how to emotionally engage and connect with, that it seems damn near impossible to have a real relationship with them anymore.  Too many like to coast and have shallow relationships.  They don't want to or know how to expel the energy necessary to build an emotional foundation with the person they claim to love/care about.  What they don't seem to understand to this day, no matter how many books are published, is that an emotional connection with their S.O. is the most important thing to maintain.  Because once a woman checks out emotionally because of neglect it just pushes her that much closer to walking out the door.  Like one of my dear besties said earlier this week, "Women put up with a lot of shit, but when they have finally had enough it is really over".  I couldn't have said it better myself.  Most women really do try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and--well you get the point, but when the trying is done and they keep giving and fighting to no avail and they decide it is time to walk then there is no way to save or repair the damage that has been done.  And yet most guys still wonder what happened and where things went wrong.  Well sweet cheeks when you don't nourish and care for the emotional well being of your relationship--you open the door for someone else to step in who will--you open the door for your S.O. to walk out too.  And the only person to blame is YOU!
     In reality Love isn't enough--you can't hang or abuse your relationship on the fact that your S.O. loves you.  You must build trust; grow to understand your S.O.; and nurture your relationship.  If you don't do these things then nothing else matters because the relationship won't succeed.  Every woman has a breaking point.  And if you don't care enough to give her what she deserves and you break her--then she is within her right to leave.  If you don't have the maturity or drive to see that these things are necessary and worthwhile then maybe you should just be man enough to admit you can't handle a relationship and be by yourself.  It is a little tough--but tough love sometimes is very necessary.  Besides a little punch to the throat is good for some people!  Until another time I do wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
     Always,
         Marissa  

The Fading Light

     Finess and I have been gone awhile!  But, there has been a lot happening in our lives.  I have missed blogging, quite a bit (I'm sure I have written this before) actually.  And yet, I find myself struggling to finish a single one that I have started.  At first I thought it was because I was out of practice, but then I realized I wasn't being honest with myself.  I am not out of practice at all, but rather emotionally bogged down.  I am overwhelmed with so many emotions, about a couple of things in my life right now, that I feel all of them to the point of becoming numb.  I didn't even know that was possible, but I seem to continue to learn something new about myself every day.
     Honestly, I wish I could turn it off--what I feel--it would be so much easier; it would be much less like living and more existing, but easier none the less.  In truth I feel like most of my life is exactly where and what I desire it to be.  I absolutely love my friends.  They are magnificent, wonderful and phenomenal.  I trust, depend on, and love them all so completely.  They enrich my life and I can't imagine being without them!  I have moved from a necessary job to the career I wanted with the organization I wanted!  And quite surprisingly my (blood) family (collectively at least the majority of us) are starting to come together a little more than we have been in the past few years.  But there are just a few relationships in my life that have started to negatively affect my happy.
     Sometimes I think that I am being selfish from wanting to be happy across the board--in every way possible--instead of just being contented.  But then I think that is the most ridiculous of all my thoughts.  Should I not be happy--completely happy--shouldn't we all?  Then more ridiculous ideas follow suite.  Sometimes I think I committed a great sin in one of my previous lives and I am still paying for it in this one--that is why I am not allowed to be completely happy.  (I have told Finess this and she thinks it is beyond uber ridiculous.)  And yet, considering the darkness that I have survived in my life--the trials and tribulations--I think even if that were true that I would have repaid my karma-debt by now.  Then (as if you didn't know that word was coming again) I start to think of things from another perspective.  I was told to never let anyone or anything affect my 'happy'.  And yet I am--shamefully so.  Contrary wise, when there are people close to you in your life do they not have an affect on it whether you wish them to or not?  Is that not the gamble we take when we form bonds, connections and relationships with people--no matter what kind they are?
   I mean relationships are hard.  Especially in this day and age it seems they are exceptionally difficult.  Many people are jaded, wounded, fearful, dissatisfied and hopeless about their desired or current relationships (no matter the kind of relationship it is).    And if the relationship is emotionally uneven because one individual suffers from any or multiple previously mentioned emotions it negatively effects the other.  So not just one person is miserable because of their past or fear of their future, but so is the person they are in the relationship with who they either subconsciously or consciously (deliberately or accidentally) inflict their misery upon.  And in their emotional vulnerability and selfishness they can not see the damage they are dealing (or either do not care the pain, hurt and destruction they cause) to those they SAY they love and/or care about.  The relationship which was once shinning with promise and filled with hope has earned an unbecoming patina and is slowly emptying of all the goodness that was once in it.  And it is that reality--that undeniable and horrific truth of relationships that is standing in my way of my absolute happiness.
     The emotions that have been born from this horror plaque me--disappointment, sadness, anger, frustration, fatigue, confusion--they are overwhelming me.  When I try and try and try and TRY and TRY and TRY AND TRY to no avail--when I give my best, but it doesn't matter--when I am torn and the voice of the Almighty evades me in the most fervent of my prayers; what is left for me to do?  Where can guidance be found?  I reflect and I break it down, again and again like slow, willing, painful torture.  I think and re-think; evaluate and deconstruct and yet, answers evade me.  And in such an overly vulnerable state the emotions take hold and I can not shake them and at the worst of times I can not contain them.  And the shame that flitted along the surface of my emotional storm deepen.  And the anger, disappointment, frustration and confusion seamlessly snake their spindly fingers, entwining with the shame and joining its direction into the very pit of my heart; the opinion and understanding of myself waivers muddying the water of my, once quite clear, eternal being.  It feeds my self-shame and my self shame feeds the rest of the pain mongering emotions that have taken hold.
     It has become an endless, ruthless, painful cycle that has spun out of control; as if I ever had control of it in the first place.  All of that possibly although seemingly impossible controllable emotions are causing me to doubt the surety I once had of myself and my womanhood.  My self esteem is taking a beating and I don't know if it can keep on ticking.  Essentially and most simply, with everything that I have and continue to endure with no signs of improvement have started to make my light fade.  As I am sure you can see, in this chosen moment of quite necessary, frightening, vulnerable honesty.  Funny enough this is not what I thought to blog about today.  This kind of happened.  So, obviously I will publish it--even thought its simple existence frightens me.  Even if it hasn't been terribly therapeutic, maybe it may help someone else.  And that is the purpose of our blog.  To share our honest stories and opinions in the hopes of showing others that they are not alone and to help them too.  So, here it is--or more exact, here I am.  Vulnerable, open, doubting--essentially, painfully, human.  EEEKKKK!  So, I'm just going to hit 'Publish' before my nerves get the better of me.
     Until another time, even if I haven't achieved it yet,  I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!

Always,
Marissa 

We don't Try, We Do

We don’t try, we do...

As a child, my father would said this to me. At first it seemed like a cruel thing to say to a 10 year old trying her damnest; but as I have gotten older, those words still come to mind. My father was not perfect, like no one’s was, but he has been one of my greatest influences in my life. I find myself at 25 still quoting the many sayings he would throw at me. I love you Daddy, and thank you. If it wasn’t for you constantly pushing me, I would have not realize that I can do far more than I imagined. I can be anything of my choosing!

Ok, so back to the saying… We don’t try, We do. This very simple phrase is not meant to discourage any effort that has already been given; it challenges you to do more, to be more! I have to admit that the biggest frustration of my life is to see loved ones, just “try” and then defend the mediocre effort they have given. “Well at least I’m trying”, really gets under my skin. And honestly, I include myself in this equation. I cannot tell you how many years I have “tried” to lose this weight! I would think if I just work out a little bit, then the weight would just fall off. Eventually I would dropdown in size, and everything would be all gravy. But it’s not! I was trying, not doing. I was feeding myself false hope that I would get a big payoff out a little bit of effort. But hey, at least I was trying, right?

Life doesn’t work like that! We can’t continue to do the same things and expect different results. That is the definition of INSANITY! We have to stop kidding ourselves, take off the rose-colored glasses, and face our problems. We all possess the power to shape our world around us, it’s just whether we dare to want to be better than yesterday, and actually do something about it.

We are at the age where life starts judging us for our past mistakes and ask… “Well what are you going to do now?” “Are you going to continue to eat crap?” “Are you still going to sit around smoking all day?” “So are you going to continue to still waste time in unhealthy relationships?” “Are you going to continue to let the things you desire now distract you from the things you need to grow you?” “Can your children and family say they are proud of you?” “Are you still just trying to survive and not thrive?”

Are you still going to stand behind whatever excuse you have because it’s comfortable?

We are the movers and shakers of our generation, and the time for us to take over is coming soon. It seems like half of us have our shit in order, we get it! But the other half is lost, driven by the false sense of just “trying”. As we age, and continue to face real life situations, which side are going to choose? Being a person who “tries”, but never succeeding in their endeavors? Or a person who does, gets it, and prospers in their endeavors, because they have the strength and courage to live the life that they dream? Funny how a simple question of do or try can shape your entire life!

Much love, and well wishes

Finess
“I will never give up, I will never settle, for I dare to dream”

My 30 Year Old Self

     I remember when I was younger and I thought by the time I was 30 my life would be golden; everything I wanted would have been accomplished with great success and I would be settled, happy and completely comfortable.  Well, Yeah, reality slapped me in my face during my quarter life crisis and cured me of that little bit of unrealistic tripe.  The closer I got to thirty the more I realized that life doesn't work like that.  I can plan and work my butt off, but if things aren't meant to happen the way I desire--they won't.  
     By the time I finally hit thirty I had come to understand and accept that control is an illusion; everything happens for a reason (and I mean EVERYTHING); and that even the best laid plans do not always come to fruition.  I also came to terms with the fact that I will always miss my twenty-year old body and I can NEVER have it again.  But, seriously, reminiscing about what I thought my life would be like at thirty and how it truly is--is both humorous and disappointing as well.  
     I know that I am not the only person to feel like this.  And although I have finally found a path of acceptance and understanding a small part of me would have liked to have fulfilled at least one goal on that intricate and well detailed time line I wrote out in my high school notebook.  Even if it was to be married with a couple of kids by twenty-eight or a successfully established author by thirty (hey I am knocking on thirty-one and still haven't gotten my first, 'yes', yet) a little something checked off would make me feel less--disappointing.  Yet, all of those nagging "disappointments" that have remained on that sheet of notebook paper raise a more important question:  Would I be who I am had I already checked off those boxes?
     Would I love the way that I do without going through the trials and tribulations that I have survived?  Would I know how to survive failure without having failed?  Would I be able to empathize with others--understand the importance of defending the meek as well as myself--if I had never suffered, never had to fight?  If my path didn't take me through the darkness would I be able to understand and appreciate the light?  If I had been able to check off some of those boxes I probably wouldn't have had half of the experiences or opportunities I have had.  Nor would I have half of the memories or the people that I love so dearly in my life either.  
     I am thirty and although I didn't think this is where I was going to be at thirty--I am happy to be here.  I have made it through three decades of heart ache, pain, growth, achievement and--adventure!  I am still full of life and light--despite the little bit of darkness--and although I am no longer sparkly and new, I have aged beautifully.  Every crack, bit of discoloration, every flaw is a testament to my resilience, my ability to adapt and survive and not lose--me!  I may not be where I planned, but I am proud of who I am and being able to say that I am still making it.  And obviously whatever God has planned for me is better than what I had planned for myself.  
     Well, that's all I have for tonight!  Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa        

Love--It Varies

     After an interesting conversation with one of my girlfriends last night I was inspired to write this post.  Although she isn't the first person I have had this conversation with I would be lying if I didn't admit to my surprise at her surprise when I pointed out that love has many variations and differs from person to person; relationship to relationship.  C'mon y'all think about it!  Love has many variations because not only do our relationships differ, but the people we have relationships with differ as well.  The way you love your mother differs from the way you love your sister; which differs from the way you love your friends; which differs from the way you love your significant other.  Even if you wanted to compare the way you love within one group there are still variations.
     (Stay with me now) Example:  Everyone (and I do mean everyone (don't lie to yourself)) has a favorite parent, sibling, grandparent, aunt, cousin, etc. that they have bonded with (and love) more than other equivalent members of their family.  The love is different, the way you treat, see, communicate and think of them is (subsequently) different because of it!  You know it is true!  Even when it comes to romantic love (or probably more so) it is the same.  Each relationship is different.  Different connections, bonds, are made which form different levels of emotion, attraction, affection and love.  So you may love your 1st significant other with all of your heart, but you may discover later in life that you love your 4th more than your 1st because a deeper bond was made.  You didn't lie when you said that you loved your 1st with all of your heart, because you did.  You loved them with all the love that connection created within you for that person.  But the deeper bond with your 4th significant other encouraged a new range and depth of emotion and love that didn't exist in your relationship with your 1st significant other.  So you can say that you love your 4th with all of your heart and both statements are still very true.
     We can't compare how we love one person (no matter the relationship) to the way we love another because they are DIFFERENT.  Even if it is the same type of relationship it is still a different person!  Unless you repeat a relationship with the same person then there is no comparison to be made.  Just because the love you had for one person developed/presented itself one way doesn't mean that it will come about in the same order, fashion or circumstance with someone different.  (I told you there were a multitude of variations in love)  Don't expect every love you experience to be slow burning or white hot for that matter.  And count yourself lucky that it isn't.  If love were the same for everyone you loved or fell in love with what would you truly learn or experience for that matter.  How boring would that be?  Being able to experience fully the variations of love is a blessing.  I believe it teaches you a lot about yourself and the world.  What a wonderful surprise to experience the depths and magnitudes of love!
    (Just think about it for awhile) I hope you do realize that none of this is something you have control over (control is an illusion, after all) because you can not control something as powerful, as elemental and infinite (nor should you) as love!  The best thing you can do is learn to give and receive love; to appreciate and cherish it.  Don't try to shove it in a box or twist it into something that it isn't because then it becomes tainted and nothing good ever comes from tainted love.  Start bringing yourself up to the level where you can embrace love in its glorious purity, instead of dragging it down to you.  (Trust me the world becomes a different place when you do!)  Remember love is a gift from God ("...above these is love...").  Don't tarnish something so beautiful, seek to be worthy of it instead!
     Consider this a friendly observation/reminder.  Until another time I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind!
     ~Marissa 
    

The Third Times the Charm/ Divorcee Dating Saga Part Quatre

     Okay, so it has been a little while and you know even if I can't post I do still write posts to add to our blog later.  This one I have been working on, but for the life of me, I couldn't get it to come out right so I decided to try it off cuff and see how it goes.  The latest update in this divorcee's dating saga is--well I guess there is a lot to update quite honestly.  Quite awhile ago I figured out that Shakespeare really wasn't going to work (remember ladies we should not date on "potential" alone!  I will post something about that later).  Too bad, I thought that would have been an interesting adventure considering our similarities and differences as well.  Shakespeare was a nice enough guy, but--just not for me.  Additionally I do believe (quite strongly) that men (women too, but in my case) make time for what is important to them.  If you can not make time for me and continuously break dates then you are wasting my time.  But hey, I also believe everything for a reason so, no harm, no foul, really.  We must all pursue our happiness.
     After Shakespeare took himself out of the running I was just going to enjoy my 30th with my girls and embrace the year as I have been doing.  What I wasn't expecting was that an ex of mine (from quite a few years ago, like waaay before I met and married my ex husband (there I go showing my age again)) who had been such a great and dear friend (stood by me and supported me through many relationships including my marriage and subsequent divorce) would come back into my life asking for another chance.  Now for those of you who know me, and I mean really know me, it is more than common knowledge that I am NOT an advocate for repeat relationships. ( I know I am painting myself to be a hypocrite but I am hoping that my honesty will absolve me of it.)  The main reason why is because if it didn't work in the first place why would it work now?  Add to that the simple fact that change is hard (it must come from a genuine desire to change) and the pain of the past with that person equals a very difficult situation.
     Honestly, for me at least, I find it difficult to revisit or rather restart a relationship with an ex because when I am hurt I put up a wall.  When I start a relationship I am completely open, but if it starts to go sour, if I am hurt, than brick by brick a wall goes up.  Sometimes it is to minimize the damage, sometimes it is to help me walk away because for the life of me I can't stop loving him and even though all of the sense I own is screaming I should, I just can't.  Love is an entity that no one can control and even fewer of us can understand.  I don't question love, I feel I have no right.  I appreciate and accept it for the rare and Iwondrous gift it is; I would be an even bigger hypocrite if I am always spouting off about the beauty of love and how we should accept it, if I turned away from it because of the fear I have yet to work through.
     So after some serious self reflection and consideration--I accepted it, accepted him.  I, like any other person, have my reasons which although I adore our readers they will remain mine at least for now.  What I will say is that the choice wasn't easy for me.  Not because I don't have feelings for him or that he isn't a wonderful person (because he is), but because change is hard and working past my fear of being hurt by him (or any one for that matter) is just as hard.  But when the only thing I was afraid of was falling for him all over again I had to ask myself whether he was worth me free falling from the cliff or should I remain a safe distance from the edge.  If all I had to fear was the fear of loving and being in love with him even more than before, then how ridiculous (and ungrateful) would I be to give into that fear and walk away?  He is "putting up" for sure, with out a doubt stepping up, and proving that he has changed.  So (here goes my inner princess)--I jumped--and so far I am very happy I did.
     I will admit that there is a change in him that I not only feel (get your mind out of the gutter guys this isn't that kind of post), but see as well.  This inspires even more hope in me--in us.  Funny, it scares me a little because it is as though we haven't been apart for years.  It is like we haven't missed a beat or step at all.  Although there is a familiarity to it there is something very new and different to it as well.  Hmmmm, well kiddies, I guess we will see.  I am looking forward to seeing how things go this time around.
     Until another time, lovelies, I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind.
~Marissa