I'm Awesome

     Yes, that is a very egotistical (albeit honest) title for this new post, but it is so insanely appropriate that I absolutely could not contain my desire to slap it at the very top and let the whole world know what I am feeling inside.  I mean I seriously woke up one day this week and I had a straight Dune moment I swear that I almost ran outside in my onesie and screamed "...the sleeper has awakened" at the top of my lungs!  (Point 1:  If you have never seen the cult classic known as Dune or read any of the books I encourage you to do one or the other IMMEDIATELY!  Point 2:  Yes I have a My Little Pony--Rainbow Dash onesie and I love it (side note:  A Totoro onesie is in my future)!  Now that I have satisfied that tangent I will most definitely get back on the subject of --Me! 
    The sleeper has awakened--everything clicked for me when I got out of bed that day.  The doubt, hesitation, worry, fear, sadness--all of it was gone!  My inner lioness was back and it feels SO GOOD!  I forgot about my wonder, as a woman, daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, co-worker.  I forgot what I offer as a woman, to the people in my life--those I love--and even who I am.  I am versed enough in this life to understand that there are times when this may happen and I was experiencing one of those. Even so, though I may have been "sleeping", I was also learning. Learning about myself--about others in my life--about living in general.  Yet, even though I was learning--I was also forgetting--which is never a good thing.  But, joyously am I celebrating that time that has passed for me.  And I will continue to shout praises of appreciation for all that I have learned and experienced.  But now it is a new year--it is 2015, y'all and I am about that life! (Please excuse the verbal cliches, but they are just too much fun right now and I can't deny the use of them!)
     So, I have become the embodiment of that old adage, "New year, new me"  because I am NEW!  In so many ways.  I even told my mom there are two words that I am eliminating from my vocabulary this year, "ok" and "fine".  I feel as though they no longer have any place in my life!  I am fantastic, wonderful, blessed, loved--I am so much more than those two words could ever describe.  I will no longer rest on their laurels!  They no longer have power or place in my life!  And I will hold true to this.  Even if my day isn't going beautifully I have so much that can NOT be taken from me that I can only ever be at the very least--blessed.
     I am educated, intelligent, determined, kind, sassy and so fun!  I love my family, new career, new company and my CREW (SHOUT OUT TO THE CREW).  I have a home (and always will for where there is true love, kindness and safety that is where home will be for me), a fantastic new car and so many opportunities set before me that I am so giddy with excitement that I can barely contain myself!  And even though certain relationships aren't all sunshine and lollipops in my life right now, I am still so solid because if the time for my "contract to be renewed" comes up and there isn't a reason for me to renew it--I will become a free agent (may the best franchise win, lol(excuse the football analogy but it was apropos)).
     And all of this is because I AM AWESOME.  I am genuinely a wonderful woman and person.  I am a treasure--a prize--a jewel who through trials and tribulations I have been made stronger, brighter, and priceless.  I have so much to offer, to give, and I am to the point in my life that if what I offer is rejected, unappreciated, abused or taken for granted in any way then there is no reason to continue to give any one (no matter who they are) something they don't understand, desire or deserve.
    I am so thankful for this re-awakening.  I feel as though my light is absolutely uncontainable right now!  And I LOVE IT! :)  I want to encourage all of you to maintain and protect your light.  Let it blossom and grow.  Do not be deterred if it feels as though it is taking forever for it to increase or if you feel as though you are stuck or even if you feel as though every thing you do isn't working out as you have planned.  Something that I learned a long time ago is that everything happens not according to our plans but they happen as they are SUPPOSED to as they are SUPPOSED to.  Be patient--my sleepers--keep faith.  And until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the Truest kind!
     ~Always
          Marissa   

The Fading Light

     Finess and I have been gone awhile!  But, there has been a lot happening in our lives.  I have missed blogging, quite a bit (I'm sure I have written this before) actually.  And yet, I find myself struggling to finish a single one that I have started.  At first I thought it was because I was out of practice, but then I realized I wasn't being honest with myself.  I am not out of practice at all, but rather emotionally bogged down.  I am overwhelmed with so many emotions, about a couple of things in my life right now, that I feel all of them to the point of becoming numb.  I didn't even know that was possible, but I seem to continue to learn something new about myself every day.
     Honestly, I wish I could turn it off--what I feel--it would be so much easier; it would be much less like living and more existing, but easier none the less.  In truth I feel like most of my life is exactly where and what I desire it to be.  I absolutely love my friends.  They are magnificent, wonderful and phenomenal.  I trust, depend on, and love them all so completely.  They enrich my life and I can't imagine being without them!  I have moved from a necessary job to the career I wanted with the organization I wanted!  And quite surprisingly my (blood) family (collectively at least the majority of us) are starting to come together a little more than we have been in the past few years.  But there are just a few relationships in my life that have started to negatively affect my happy.
     Sometimes I think that I am being selfish from wanting to be happy across the board--in every way possible--instead of just being contented.  But then I think that is the most ridiculous of all my thoughts.  Should I not be happy--completely happy--shouldn't we all?  Then more ridiculous ideas follow suite.  Sometimes I think I committed a great sin in one of my previous lives and I am still paying for it in this one--that is why I am not allowed to be completely happy.  (I have told Finess this and she thinks it is beyond uber ridiculous.)  And yet, considering the darkness that I have survived in my life--the trials and tribulations--I think even if that were true that I would have repaid my karma-debt by now.  Then (as if you didn't know that word was coming again) I start to think of things from another perspective.  I was told to never let anyone or anything affect my 'happy'.  And yet I am--shamefully so.  Contrary wise, when there are people close to you in your life do they not have an affect on it whether you wish them to or not?  Is that not the gamble we take when we form bonds, connections and relationships with people--no matter what kind they are?
   I mean relationships are hard.  Especially in this day and age it seems they are exceptionally difficult.  Many people are jaded, wounded, fearful, dissatisfied and hopeless about their desired or current relationships (no matter the kind of relationship it is).    And if the relationship is emotionally uneven because one individual suffers from any or multiple previously mentioned emotions it negatively effects the other.  So not just one person is miserable because of their past or fear of their future, but so is the person they are in the relationship with who they either subconsciously or consciously (deliberately or accidentally) inflict their misery upon.  And in their emotional vulnerability and selfishness they can not see the damage they are dealing (or either do not care the pain, hurt and destruction they cause) to those they SAY they love and/or care about.  The relationship which was once shinning with promise and filled with hope has earned an unbecoming patina and is slowly emptying of all the goodness that was once in it.  And it is that reality--that undeniable and horrific truth of relationships that is standing in my way of my absolute happiness.
     The emotions that have been born from this horror plaque me--disappointment, sadness, anger, frustration, fatigue, confusion--they are overwhelming me.  When I try and try and try and TRY and TRY and TRY AND TRY to no avail--when I give my best, but it doesn't matter--when I am torn and the voice of the Almighty evades me in the most fervent of my prayers; what is left for me to do?  Where can guidance be found?  I reflect and I break it down, again and again like slow, willing, painful torture.  I think and re-think; evaluate and deconstruct and yet, answers evade me.  And in such an overly vulnerable state the emotions take hold and I can not shake them and at the worst of times I can not contain them.  And the shame that flitted along the surface of my emotional storm deepen.  And the anger, disappointment, frustration and confusion seamlessly snake their spindly fingers, entwining with the shame and joining its direction into the very pit of my heart; the opinion and understanding of myself waivers muddying the water of my, once quite clear, eternal being.  It feeds my self-shame and my self shame feeds the rest of the pain mongering emotions that have taken hold.
     It has become an endless, ruthless, painful cycle that has spun out of control; as if I ever had control of it in the first place.  All of that possibly although seemingly impossible controllable emotions are causing me to doubt the surety I once had of myself and my womanhood.  My self esteem is taking a beating and I don't know if it can keep on ticking.  Essentially and most simply, with everything that I have and continue to endure with no signs of improvement have started to make my light fade.  As I am sure you can see, in this chosen moment of quite necessary, frightening, vulnerable honesty.  Funny enough this is not what I thought to blog about today.  This kind of happened.  So, obviously I will publish it--even thought its simple existence frightens me.  Even if it hasn't been terribly therapeutic, maybe it may help someone else.  And that is the purpose of our blog.  To share our honest stories and opinions in the hopes of showing others that they are not alone and to help them too.  So, here it is--or more exact, here I am.  Vulnerable, open, doubting--essentially, painfully, human.  EEEKKKK!  So, I'm just going to hit 'Publish' before my nerves get the better of me.
     Until another time, even if I haven't achieved it yet,  I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!

Always,
Marissa 

Broken

     As of late--I have had a lot on my heart and mind.  For the past month there has been so much weighing heavy upon my very soul and for a long time I couldn't understand why.  That is when I had to take a step back.  I needed to breathe and move out of the fog that had started to fill my life.  I needed to reevaluate and reconnect with myself for I had lost myself along the way.  And as I crossed the barrier of doubt and uncertainty--certain things have become very clear. 
     We are broken.  Not all of us, but most of us.  And that isn't necessarily a bad thing in some cases.  Consider how a diamond is born--through fire and pressure and darkness.  Think of how it is carved from the earth and processed by artisan hands shaping and refining it into a gem worthy of wear and repute--into one of the hardest and strongest gems in existence.  Think of just how long it takes to get one practically perfect diamond?  You see we ARE very much like diamonds.  Some of us are still in the rough and others slowly (if not already) being refined.  And yet, unlike diamonds we have a choice. 
     It is funny that when it comes to brokenness it differs very much between men and women.  I know, unfortunately, so many women who have been broken.  Some by family--others by "friends"--most by men they have loved and a few of the most ill-fated, by all three.  The thing about it is that the majority of them, despite their "brokenness" and dark histories, like Phoenixes have risen from the ash and burn more brightly then ever before.  They have learned the hard truth that we are our own worst enemies and that Love is NOT enough.  And yet, they are determined to not let the pains, sorrows, and experiences of the past deter them from being Good women and having a brilliant and joyous future.
     And yet, the men that I know who are broken as well--do not fair the same.  Many of them seem to be unable to process their pain or leave their past behind them.  Instead of learning from the mistakes of others and the negative effect they have experienced because of them--they continue the cycle.  They hurt those they claim to love without hesitation and to add insult to injury they don't truly apologize nor do they try to become better;  instead they use the excuse of their past as the reason why they "don't know better" or "can't help it".  It is discouraging, disgusting, frustrating, maddening, saddening and laughable all at once.  It makes me beg the question:  How can you be sincere in your love or affection; in your promises to protect and support others when you can not even give yourself those things?
     I just want to scream and shake them and MAKE them realize that they are killing the fire of their souls and destroying those that love them the most in the process.  Because they do not wish to take a step and a stand; because they are in love with the negativity and pain they have become so familiar with--protect themselves with--they are perpetuating brokenness and pain in a way that is dishonorable and deplorable.  We are here on this earth to HELP each other and LOVE each other, not to inflict pain--not to destroy hope--not to smother love.  And yet, because they lack the courage to face their pasts they will never understand how dangerous they are to themselves AND others. 
     I say it all the time, but it is a truth I have come to know and to know it well.  For I, like many, have a past littered with pain and darkness and sorrow and sadness and yet, I do not turn away from the light of the sun.  I do not look behind me for I know my future is ahead.  I REFUSE to cause or inflict on others that which I have experienced myself.  And after many years of struggle and doubt and questioning.  I found my voice, my purpose, my meaning.  I know Who I Am and What I Want and I will stand for myself because I know that if I can not stand for myself--protect myself--how can I do the same for those I love?  And because of what I have gone through I know for a fact that Happiness comes from inside of us.  It is a choice!  It isn't an easy one, but it is the RIGHT one.  I want a happy life full of beautiful memories and wonderful people.  I want to experience the gift of living and existing in this world!  I want to LOVE wholly and completely someone who can and will give me what I offer in return 100%; someone who GETS IT and UNDERSTANDS; someone who is on the same page as me!  I will NEVER let my painful past determine my future.  I will NEVER let it make me forget who I am or what I have learned or deter me on my journey.  I will NEVER use it as an excuse because it would be a great disservice to myself and a betrayal to the woman I am determined to be.

     Every thing in life is a CHOICE.  Either you will be brave enough to make the hard choices so that you will be able to live better lives and be better people or you won't.  There is nothing wrong with being broken--a lot of wonderful people wouldn't be who they are without a trial by fire.  But, it is wrong if all you do is hold on to the broken pieces and use them as a reason as to why your life will never be full.  Like I said before--I am a broken woman, but I am also one of the Phoenixes that have risen from the fire and ash.  So, I ask you (if you are broken) to consider who you are and who you want to be.  Will you make the choice to take that difficult journey into healing and happiness or will you always find a reason to stay where and how you are--faking happiness when you truly don't even love yourself (and if you don't love yourself how the hell can you love anyone else)?



     I know, my Lovelies, this isn't a usual post, but I had to write what was on my heart.  I truly do wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
     ~Marissa  
      

In My Garden

     Hello Lovelies!  I know I have been gone for awhile, but I really needed to take a break and recollect myself.  I needed to remember how to tend to my garden.  Sometimes we get so caught up in life--the running, rushing and general rat race that we all run (to make a paycheck) that we forget to stop, breathe and take time to tend to the most important part of our lives--ourselves.  And truth be told I was so busy being so many things to so many people--spreading myself thin--so much so there was nothing left for me and I was feeling the strain of it all in an unimaginable way.
     With my very being feeling tired and overwhelmed my mind wouldn't quiet--and a feeling of being lost within myself eclipsed everything else.  And I can't begin to explain exactly how the combination of all of this was reeking havoc on me.  One emotion or state of being led way to another and yet another; becoming catalysts unto themselves and creating a seemingly endless cycle--they fed off of each other and I was in great need of getting out my gloves and pulling the weeds that had taken root in my life.  Right now I am still in the process of trying to organize, detox and give myself some much needed love-- unfortunately, like with any garden, it is going to take time and work in order for me to get back to a hundred percent.
     And quite honestly there is no way I can do this by myself--and lucky for me I don't have to.  The out pouring of love and support from Hunny, Chickateeta, friends and co-workers has warmed my heart and reminded me why we shouldn't go through life alone.  I wish I didn't have these painfully human moments, but because of them I am reminded of my blessings; about the people who truly do love and support me; and that sometimes--when overwhelmed--it is OK for others to help you.  That is why we have those special people in our lives.  It is truly during these times (or during their own times of trepidation) that we discover exactly what kind of flowers these people are in our lives--whether they are Seasonal, Perennials or Annuals. During certain trials and tribulations we are able to see exactly what kind of qualities they will bring to our garden and subsequently what kind of longevity they will have as well.
     Maybe that is why times such as this are not only a curse, but a blessing as well.  They can call you back to yourself to cleanse, reevaluate, appreciate and learn.  Obviously I was long overdue and just like I procrastinate on updating my computer (until it does it by itself during the most inconvenient times) I also seemed to have done the same with myself.  I will have to put into practice carving out time for rejuvenation so that I can maintain a healthier Being more consistently than I have been lately.  Well, that is all I have for now.  I can't promise I will have more soon, but I will do my best.  Please learn from my mistake and don't forget to take time to tend your garden because when things become overgrown it is harder to work through your fields.
     Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa         

Obligation

     Obligation--what a funny thing it is.  Funny--and dangerous.  Obligation is the father of disappointment, unfulfillment, caprice, and a myriad of other unsavory attributes, emotions and states of being.  Maybe that is why, a long time ago, I decided to forgo the road of obligation.  I discovered (in some of the most difficult of ways) that when you live your life within the realm of obligation nothing you do is sincere; you are trapped by the obligation you manifest (or succumb to) and it slowly kills the person you are.  How can one live life and fulfill their heart's desires, their own expectations or achieve happiness if one is a slave to others?     
     That is no way to live--at least I believe it isn't.  Living that way, losing (or sacrificing) your will--your voice--for the sake of others, how can anyone really call that living?  There are many reasons why people feel obligated.  Sometimes people get hung up on titles (familial, social, occupational, ect.) and the expectations that come with them.  They also believe that they fail at who they are if they do not fulfill every aspect of every role and expectation laid upon them.  They do not understand that this way--this life--will break and corrupt them.  One isn't bad, disrespectful or a failure if they have their own thoughts, feelings and desires!  Nor are they any of those things if they want to (and choose to) explore and/or act on those natural feelings and desires inside of them.
     I cry for those who allow themselves to be and remain so enslaved.  I hope and pray that soon they will see the light, the truth and set themselves free before all they are left with are an empty heart and regrets.  I encourage those of you still trudging along the road of obligation to find your own path, the better path, for when you leave obligation behind and live for your heart and happiness only then can you not only live for yourself, but for others as well.  Without obligation to bind you, what you chose to do (or not do) is completely sincere--the choice and the desire are pure.  Within this pureness of thought and deed there is a more complete joy in helping others as well as a simultaneous fulfillment in being not only who they need, but who you want to be.  Eliminating obligation isn't easy, but then very few things in life are.  It is difficult to break a mindset or unhealthy cycle, but is not your life--your very happiness--worth it?
     Just some food for thought, until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
         ~Marissa

Boxes and Time Lines?

     Question:  Why do we work so hard to pile ourselves (and our lives) into tight, perfectly symmetrical boxes?  More over why do we add additional restrictions by implementing (self wounding) time lines?  WAKE UP!  CONTROL IS AN ILLUSION AND CONFORMITY A CRIME!  Trying to plan every moment, experience, facet and detail just so it will fit in to what you believe will be acceptable by others/society isn't living!  It isn't even existing.  If we are honest with ourselves we all have moments where we get caught up with confining--oops--I mean conforming ourselves into ideals that truly aren't ours.  By doing this you aren't paving a path toward your happiness, but AWAY from it!
     If you are in love--run with it!  Don't try to confine it to unnecessary conventions!  You don't have to deny what you feel or try to slow it down because you believe that certain things are supposed to happen at a certain time or in a certain way for it to be right (or you are worried what others will say or think)!  Every relationship--every love--is different so stop trying to stuff it in the same box.  Or if you are interested in spreading your wings and trying a new occupation or hobby, then go for it!  You are never too old or too young (it is never too early or too late) to chase your dreams and pave the way to your happiness!  Embrace life, don't suffocate it.  Life is entirely too short to be unhappy trying to make others happy just because (it is what is expected of you to do by them and/or society)--don't sacrifice your happiness by lying to yourself and compromising your hearts desires; at the end of it all you will only be left alone with your regrets.
     We have to STOP letting other people's "music" bleed over into our lives.  We need to listen to our own symphonies, the lyrical magic that we create for ourselves--within ourselves.  We need to stop letting our tempo be drowned out by the noise of others' voices.  Let's move forward and learn how to dance to our music again; allow ourselves to experience the God given freedom to be who we are and enjoy it!  Let's stop conforming (across the board people, not just here and there)!  God made us all different for a reason!  Let's embrace and celebrate our uniqueness. 
     Think about it y'all, seriously think about it and don't cheat yourself!  Until another time, I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind!
     ~Marissa     

Cloud Nine/Divorcee Dating Saga Part Six

     (Throwing on my Captain Obvious Cape) I am on cloud nine, my boyfriend is just--wonderful and he really does make me happy (as though you couldn't tell from my posts, right).  Hunny makes me want to sing at the top of my lungs and cheer from mountain tops a riotous chorus of elation.  The only thing that makes me sad is--we don't get to spend as much time together as we would like (#grownupproblems)!  It is so hard trying to coordinate two individual's work and social calendars!  Add to that the distance we live from each other and we get two days a week (if we are lucky) to spend together!  I really wish that I worked a more normal schedule or that we lived closer to each other because it would be so much easier for us to see each other, but wishing doesn't change the facts so--I blame HUNNY!
     I blame Hunny for making me miss him so much.  It is his fault that I want him around and I hate not having him with me to cuddle every night and kiss every morning!  I love that he tries to make every moment we do have together insanely lovely, no matter what we do, because that is endearing all on its own.  He makes sure that we do get to cram as much QT as we can in the few hours we do get together, though.  It means so much that this is important to him (it makes me feel treasured, see it is not hard at all, guys)!  I know they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it also kinda saddens, too (like a lot)!  I mean SERIOUSLY!  I WANT MY HUNNY (*Insert foot stomping, whining, two year old tantrum, here*)!
     Even though the lack of Hunny and Bunny (his nickname for me, isn't it precious) QT makes me sad (miss him so much) the fact that we both try our best encourages me when it gets super difficult (and I also sleep in his shirt during those times).  Sometimes we may have to sacrifice some social engagements, rearrange our schedules but for me (and Hunny, too) it is worth it (he is so worth it)!  Hopefully it will get easier or something will change that will enable us to be together more.  Until then we have as much fun and make as many memories as we can!  As long as we still miss each other and cherish our time together I believe we are on the right track.
     Well enough sharing for one post!  Until another time I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind!
    ~Marissa

The Big 3-0!

     Where as my dear Finess is approaching her Quarter Life Mark, I am approaching my third decade...God, do I even have sufficient words to describe the feeling that is going through my body or the thoughts that are going through my head, right now?  I feel for the lovely Finess because I have been where she is and as you can clearly see I made it through my Quarter Life, but now I am approaching the big 3-0!  The fact that I am standing with my toes curled upon the ledge of twenty-something getting ready to fall into the abyss of THIRTY I must admit that I am sad, discouraged and maybe just a little excited in a weird way...Let me explain...No, there is too much, let me sum up (*SMILE*)!  I feel sad because I am not where I thought I would be, funny this feeling is akin to how I felt when I was going through my quarter life crisis, but different.  I am sad and discouraged because I am a divorcee still fighting to get back on solid ground and making my life into something I can once again be proud of.  I never thought I would be divorced at thirty (or technically a little before).  I thought I would be happily married, moving into a sweet renovated bungalow and getting ready to have my first child.  I find my birthday literally two months away and I am husband-less, child-less and struggling.   It is like a repeat performance of my quarter life crisis and I pray to GOD that this isn't some half decade re-occurring phenomenon...I will be completely gray by the time I am thirty five if it is!  I mean didn't I already do this?!?!?!  Am I not supposed to be in a more stable place occupationally and personally instead of going through this...AGAIN?!?!?!? (HEAVE A HEAVY SIGH)  But then I have to give myself a shake and realize that if I truly believe (which I do) that everything happens for a reason, then there is a purpose for this experience, this struggle...And once I (HEAVE ANOTHER HEAVY SIGH--WOOOOOSSSSSAAAAAWWWWW) accept this I can move a little easier into this transition.  
     And this is where I feel a little excited...(it gets a little confusing so follow closely) I am about to be THIRTY!!!! And I can say that I am a pretty, sweet, kind, smart thirty year old divorcee!!! I don't have children hanging on to my apron strings (thank God for that, I feel for kids who are dragged through divorce), I learned a lot from my marriage, I can probably write a phenomenal story about it all and become a millionaire if I wanted.  I have my life still stretched out before me and for all that is good in this world I made it to THIRTY which sadly many people can't say...So what if I loved, married and lost...I can love and marry again, my life really isn't over.  If I can get past my own B.S. I can ride this Thirty Train for a year!  What better reason to celebrate for a whole year, but by turning Thirty AND being divorced!?!?!?!?  When I do finally give myself that last, big shake and I settle into 2013 fully, I really think I am going to run with this like I am being chased by a chainsaw wielding mad man!  Maybe I will take a lover, or two, or runaway on weekends and explore my state and once I do that I will move on to another state.  This may just be the year that I finish my great novel and start making my living by my pen!  And if I get bored I can dive into some obscure, but interesting hobby like Euro-Gaming or Steam Punk!  With all the amazing choices and opportunities AND a new year--oh I am grabbing this bull by the horns and riding him until he collapses!!!  
     So give a little cheer for Finess and me because we are going to rock this year and mark these milestones like no other!  Thanks for reading and until next time...Ciao!
    
  ~ Marissa