The Great Imbalance

     Although Nessy and I have been rather "quiet" lately, it doesn't mean we have forgotten our blog or fans.  We have both had a lot going on in our lives.  And trust me this is a very good thing.  It means that we are learning, growing, experiencing and living life.  And even though our absence has been short and there were a lot of things that have happened; there is also one--(sadly) glaring fact that has become quite apparent to us both.  We live in a society that perpetuates a great imbalance between men and women.
     I am not being sexiest, bitter or angry when I say this.  It is, quite regrettably,  a cold hard fact.  At one point in time what was important to men was honor, honesty, dependability, intelligence, fidelity,  love, accountability, family and being a good provider, husband and father.  But this is no longer the case.  Now our society encourages individuality over family; irresponsibility over accountability and dependability; money over love; and success over honor and honesty.  We live in a social culture that has been infested with negative ideals that celebrate materialism, excess, degradation, ignorance, greed, dishonesty, and a myriad of  other distasteful and disgusting attributes; practically eliminating the once upstanding and steadfast traditions that were once common place.     
      The continuous breakdown has resulted in men who want to be taken care of; takers; game players; and stagnated individuals who would rather suppress or ignore their shortcomings and "baggage" instead of rallying their courage and putting in hard work to break through and grow past their issues to become better men.  Very few desire to be a true partner, provider, father, husband, friend or lover.  It is like men have become so accustomed to satisfying themselves and their petty and short lived desires that they no longer understand nor do they see the big picture.  They are actually OK with giving bits and pieces of themselves (if anything at all) instead of cultivating themselves (continuously) in order to be a whole person who can engage in stable, healthy relationships.  And on top of all of that most of them believe that women should be satisfied with what little they are willing to do (again, if anything at all)!
     And as a subsequent ripple effect this has pushed women to stand more solidly on their own; to (even when in relationships) rely upon, fight, support and encourage themselves.  They may have a "partner" who exists in their lives, but they still stand alone because their partner isn't supportive, helpful, giving, or protective.  I have heard many women say (of varying cultures and ages) that being married is like having another child to take care of(...)!  Seriously men, do you feel fulfilled being a shell of your former selves?  Is it OK to be considered unreliable, immature and more a hindrance than a help?  Curiously enough I have also heard men of varying ages and cultures complain about not being wanted and women being TOO independent--(again,) SERIOUSLY!!!! You can not have it both ways.  Albeit a relationship isn't always going to be 50/50, sometimes it will be 60/40 or 70/30 and during those times you are supposed to give your partner extra support, love and understanding, but when a relationship is 90/10 or 95/5 then it isn't a healthy relationship--it is a parasitic relationship!
     In every relationship in life, no matter what kind it is, you get what you give!  You set the tone!  If you aren't reliable we won't rely on you; if you lie and/or cheat on us--we will not trust you; essentially if you do not give in return what we give to you freely; if you can not get on the same page with us--we can't (and won't) have a real relationship with you.  (No matter how much we love you--we have to protect ourselves and will not sacrifice our well being to have you in our lives when you take more (or twice as much) as you give!).  Man was not meant to walk alone if he were God would not have made a companion for Adam.  I will also admit that not all men are meant to marry (or women for that matter).
     Relationships aren't all meant to end in marriage with a white picket fence and two point five kids.  But, if you desire to be in a relationship (or eventually to be married and have a family) then men make sure you are ready--that you are on the same page as your partner--and you are in a place to be able to be in a relationship.  I hope men will start taking time to step back and start seeing the big picture again--to become the men they were; leave behind selfishness, lying and irresponsibility and embrace being men of honor, accountability and consideration.  I encourage men to live up to their potential, to correct this great imbalance and bring the world to rights.  I encourage them to achieve their greatness and with the same breath I encourage women to not settle for less than they deserve.  Do not allow someone to only give you bits and pieces when you happily give all of yourself.  Don't settle for an unhealthy relationship (no matter how much you love them) that will end in heartache when you deserve a healthy relationship and a happy ending.  Because the reality of it is--a relationship isn't only about how you feel and treat someone it is more about how someone feel and treats you! 
     Well Lovelies, just some food for thought.  Until another time I wish you Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa

A Letter from a Honest Heart to Her Love

I'm hurt... Abandoned and hurt... Why is it that the ones we love the most hurt us the most? When the world is harsh and cruel, all I want to do is be in your arms; where I am safe and warm. But you are not found. I wanna cry, but the ears will not come. My Heart Guard will not let them out. I wanna throw things and yell, but I cannot move yet alone make a sound. I thought you meant it when you said you'll never leave. I believed you when you told me you'll be good to me. But where are you now? I yearn for you , but you are lost in the sea of people. I believed you, and you let me down. I love you and you're not here to love and comfort me. I am left alone to face this nasty cruel world by myself... without my warmth to keep me going...

I know we have all been there, but the honest truth is that these feeling don't last. If we are honest with our Loves, you very rarely feel this way! But if you Love makes you feel like this more often than not, Beautiful LEAVE! We all deserve someone who will: love, comfort, provide, protect, and stand with us, because we will give them nothing less! So dry your eyes, know that tomorrow will better, and smile that glorious smile!

Until next time, stay open and honest, and love hard!

Finess

Divorcee Dating Saga Part Sept/ My Hunny

PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN

     Hunny makes me feel like I am in college again.  (I say college because that was my first taste of freedom and where I was able to begin to know myself.)  He makes me feel free and safe simultaneously.  I am free to be myself completely and even though he chuckles or teases me (sweetly) he supports my 'me'-ness.  And what thrills me to no end (most sincerely and seriously it does)  Hunny says that I am perfect just as I am.  The cherry on top is he doesn't just say it he believes it and treats me like he does.  I love that!

     Just as much as I love how he makes a not so great day rather wonderful because my happiness is important to him.  His genuine concern for my happiness and well being makes me feel so loved it is thrilling (and new).  I love that he matches my affection and passion it is intoxicating!  And having someone who reciprocates completely is unbelievably, undeniably, wonderful (a true blessing).  I don't remember the last time I have met my relationship match (if ever).  Most of them were honestly (and quite sadly) one sided in one way or another.  Even my first relationship with Hunny wasn't evenly matched.  But now, well now, we are and I am so in love--I am so in love with him and us that I think some of my friends may O.D. on the "contact" of our love (bwahahahaha)!  

     Truly I am so happy and getting to know and love the man he has grown into is just--magical--(I am so happy in our love that if I could poop rainbows I would).  Well enough sharing (at least for now).  I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind.

          ~Marissa

Love--It Varies

     After an interesting conversation with one of my girlfriends last night I was inspired to write this post.  Although she isn't the first person I have had this conversation with I would be lying if I didn't admit to my surprise at her surprise when I pointed out that love has many variations and differs from person to person; relationship to relationship.  C'mon y'all think about it!  Love has many variations because not only do our relationships differ, but the people we have relationships with differ as well.  The way you love your mother differs from the way you love your sister; which differs from the way you love your friends; which differs from the way you love your significant other.  Even if you wanted to compare the way you love within one group there are still variations.
     (Stay with me now) Example:  Everyone (and I do mean everyone (don't lie to yourself)) has a favorite parent, sibling, grandparent, aunt, cousin, etc. that they have bonded with (and love) more than other equivalent members of their family.  The love is different, the way you treat, see, communicate and think of them is (subsequently) different because of it!  You know it is true!  Even when it comes to romantic love (or probably more so) it is the same.  Each relationship is different.  Different connections, bonds, are made which form different levels of emotion, attraction, affection and love.  So you may love your 1st significant other with all of your heart, but you may discover later in life that you love your 4th more than your 1st because a deeper bond was made.  You didn't lie when you said that you loved your 1st with all of your heart, because you did.  You loved them with all the love that connection created within you for that person.  But the deeper bond with your 4th significant other encouraged a new range and depth of emotion and love that didn't exist in your relationship with your 1st significant other.  So you can say that you love your 4th with all of your heart and both statements are still very true.
     We can't compare how we love one person (no matter the relationship) to the way we love another because they are DIFFERENT.  Even if it is the same type of relationship it is still a different person!  Unless you repeat a relationship with the same person then there is no comparison to be made.  Just because the love you had for one person developed/presented itself one way doesn't mean that it will come about in the same order, fashion or circumstance with someone different.  (I told you there were a multitude of variations in love)  Don't expect every love you experience to be slow burning or white hot for that matter.  And count yourself lucky that it isn't.  If love were the same for everyone you loved or fell in love with what would you truly learn or experience for that matter.  How boring would that be?  Being able to experience fully the variations of love is a blessing.  I believe it teaches you a lot about yourself and the world.  What a wonderful surprise to experience the depths and magnitudes of love!
    (Just think about it for awhile) I hope you do realize that none of this is something you have control over (control is an illusion, after all) because you can not control something as powerful, as elemental and infinite (nor should you) as love!  The best thing you can do is learn to give and receive love; to appreciate and cherish it.  Don't try to shove it in a box or twist it into something that it isn't because then it becomes tainted and nothing good ever comes from tainted love.  Start bringing yourself up to the level where you can embrace love in its glorious purity, instead of dragging it down to you.  (Trust me the world becomes a different place when you do!)  Remember love is a gift from God ("...above these is love...").  Don't tarnish something so beautiful, seek to be worthy of it instead!
     Consider this a friendly observation/reminder.  Until another time I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind!
     ~Marissa 
    

When Did He Get As Strong As Superman?

     I don't know whether or not my girlfriends are going to disown me for admitting this (or other "weaknesses" we have for that matter) but (again, thanks Spring Fever) we have been marveling over how our guys turn into Supermen when they cross over from playful flirtation to "bedroom" mode.  It is like some invisible switch is flipped and ( no matter how many times (can we say every time) it happens) it still (most pleasantly) surprises us!
     I mean good God, do guys even know that they do this?  Not that we don't love it (because we most certainly do), but it will never cease to--knock our socks off.  One minute you guys are kissing and whispering in our ears and the next our clothes go flying and we are maneuvered into unmovable positions and no amount of wiggling helps our cause!  If anything it encourages you guys, spurs you on to more (well, more)!  I mean it happens so fast it is almost imperceptible!
     We never cease to marvel at this swift transformation and subsequent super human powers that come from the switch!  Maybe it also has something to do with the fact that the switch doesn't just effect y'all, but us as well.  We get so swept up in the moment with you guys that all logic goes out the window and is replaced by sheer wonder and pure enjoyment.  It is fun and funny and makes us feel our femininity.  It is one of the most undoubtedly masculine and sexy things that men do (that drives us wild).  Y'all being caught up in the desire and passion of us drives us further into passion with you.  Such natural wonder and fun! *Insert:  Cheshire cat smile with a wild blush*
     Well guys, if you didn't know, you do now.  And girls--I hope y'all still love me :)!  Until another time, I wish you love and happiness of the truest kind!
     ~ Marissa 

The Third Times the Charm/ Divorcee Dating Saga Part Quatre

     Okay, so it has been a little while and you know even if I can't post I do still write posts to add to our blog later.  This one I have been working on, but for the life of me, I couldn't get it to come out right so I decided to try it off cuff and see how it goes.  The latest update in this divorcee's dating saga is--well I guess there is a lot to update quite honestly.  Quite awhile ago I figured out that Shakespeare really wasn't going to work (remember ladies we should not date on "potential" alone!  I will post something about that later).  Too bad, I thought that would have been an interesting adventure considering our similarities and differences as well.  Shakespeare was a nice enough guy, but--just not for me.  Additionally I do believe (quite strongly) that men (women too, but in my case) make time for what is important to them.  If you can not make time for me and continuously break dates then you are wasting my time.  But hey, I also believe everything for a reason so, no harm, no foul, really.  We must all pursue our happiness.
     After Shakespeare took himself out of the running I was just going to enjoy my 30th with my girls and embrace the year as I have been doing.  What I wasn't expecting was that an ex of mine (from quite a few years ago, like waaay before I met and married my ex husband (there I go showing my age again)) who had been such a great and dear friend (stood by me and supported me through many relationships including my marriage and subsequent divorce) would come back into my life asking for another chance.  Now for those of you who know me, and I mean really know me, it is more than common knowledge that I am NOT an advocate for repeat relationships. ( I know I am painting myself to be a hypocrite but I am hoping that my honesty will absolve me of it.)  The main reason why is because if it didn't work in the first place why would it work now?  Add to that the simple fact that change is hard (it must come from a genuine desire to change) and the pain of the past with that person equals a very difficult situation.
     Honestly, for me at least, I find it difficult to revisit or rather restart a relationship with an ex because when I am hurt I put up a wall.  When I start a relationship I am completely open, but if it starts to go sour, if I am hurt, than brick by brick a wall goes up.  Sometimes it is to minimize the damage, sometimes it is to help me walk away because for the life of me I can't stop loving him and even though all of the sense I own is screaming I should, I just can't.  Love is an entity that no one can control and even fewer of us can understand.  I don't question love, I feel I have no right.  I appreciate and accept it for the rare and Iwondrous gift it is; I would be an even bigger hypocrite if I am always spouting off about the beauty of love and how we should accept it, if I turned away from it because of the fear I have yet to work through.
     So after some serious self reflection and consideration--I accepted it, accepted him.  I, like any other person, have my reasons which although I adore our readers they will remain mine at least for now.  What I will say is that the choice wasn't easy for me.  Not because I don't have feelings for him or that he isn't a wonderful person (because he is), but because change is hard and working past my fear of being hurt by him (or any one for that matter) is just as hard.  But when the only thing I was afraid of was falling for him all over again I had to ask myself whether he was worth me free falling from the cliff or should I remain a safe distance from the edge.  If all I had to fear was the fear of loving and being in love with him even more than before, then how ridiculous (and ungrateful) would I be to give into that fear and walk away?  He is "putting up" for sure, with out a doubt stepping up, and proving that he has changed.  So (here goes my inner princess)--I jumped--and so far I am very happy I did.
     I will admit that there is a change in him that I not only feel (get your mind out of the gutter guys this isn't that kind of post), but see as well.  This inspires even more hope in me--in us.  Funny, it scares me a little because it is as though we haven't been apart for years.  It is like we haven't missed a beat or step at all.  Although there is a familiarity to it there is something very new and different to it as well.  Hmmmm, well kiddies, I guess we will see.  I am looking forward to seeing how things go this time around.
     Until another time, lovelies, I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind.
~Marissa            

The Qualities of a True Friend...

Today I am going to step onto my soapbox for a little while because--well because sometimes it is necessary.  People use certain terms too lightly one of which is love, but the second they use too lightly is just as important and that is FRIEND!  Do you know the qualities of a true friend?  It is quite apparent that most people don't.  You see a lot of people think that a friend is someone who just nods their head and tell you, 'yes', or agrees with whatever you say or tells you what you want to hear.  Well my dears that is most certainly NOT a friend.  That is a yes man, a kiss ass, a wolf in sheep's clothing and you are not only a fool to believe otherwise, but you may just be someone who isn't a good friend too.
     You see a good friend doesn't always tell you yes, but a good friend will always speak to you from a heart full of truth, with kind words and honesty.  A good friend will help to keep you on the right path, support and remind you of the big picture.  That is what good, true friends are for that is what they do!  And sometimes in order to fulfill that duty they will tell you a hard truth, remind you of what you are overlooking and sometimes just tell you 'no' as kindly as possible. 
     The purpose of me pointing any of this out is when you isolate your good friends then you surround yourself with the wrong people and set yourself up for failure and heartache.  At the same time I feel as though it is almost a moot point because some people really don't understand or can identify healthy, mature, honest friendships.  If this is the case then I am wasting my breath or words rather.  On the other hand for all of you who are good, honest, friends I want you to not doubt yourself and know that your friendship and honesty isn't something you need to change, but your friends may be.  Just consider this a little food for thought.  Until the next time I wish you all love and happiness! 
     ~ Marissa

The Big 3-0!

     Where as my dear Finess is approaching her Quarter Life Mark, I am approaching my third decade...God, do I even have sufficient words to describe the feeling that is going through my body or the thoughts that are going through my head, right now?  I feel for the lovely Finess because I have been where she is and as you can clearly see I made it through my Quarter Life, but now I am approaching the big 3-0!  The fact that I am standing with my toes curled upon the ledge of twenty-something getting ready to fall into the abyss of THIRTY I must admit that I am sad, discouraged and maybe just a little excited in a weird way...Let me explain...No, there is too much, let me sum up (*SMILE*)!  I feel sad because I am not where I thought I would be, funny this feeling is akin to how I felt when I was going through my quarter life crisis, but different.  I am sad and discouraged because I am a divorcee still fighting to get back on solid ground and making my life into something I can once again be proud of.  I never thought I would be divorced at thirty (or technically a little before).  I thought I would be happily married, moving into a sweet renovated bungalow and getting ready to have my first child.  I find my birthday literally two months away and I am husband-less, child-less and struggling.   It is like a repeat performance of my quarter life crisis and I pray to GOD that this isn't some half decade re-occurring phenomenon...I will be completely gray by the time I am thirty five if it is!  I mean didn't I already do this?!?!?!  Am I not supposed to be in a more stable place occupationally and personally instead of going through this...AGAIN?!?!?!? (HEAVE A HEAVY SIGH)  But then I have to give myself a shake and realize that if I truly believe (which I do) that everything happens for a reason, then there is a purpose for this experience, this struggle...And once I (HEAVE ANOTHER HEAVY SIGH--WOOOOOSSSSSAAAAAWWWWW) accept this I can move a little easier into this transition.  
     And this is where I feel a little excited...(it gets a little confusing so follow closely) I am about to be THIRTY!!!! And I can say that I am a pretty, sweet, kind, smart thirty year old divorcee!!! I don't have children hanging on to my apron strings (thank God for that, I feel for kids who are dragged through divorce), I learned a lot from my marriage, I can probably write a phenomenal story about it all and become a millionaire if I wanted.  I have my life still stretched out before me and for all that is good in this world I made it to THIRTY which sadly many people can't say...So what if I loved, married and lost...I can love and marry again, my life really isn't over.  If I can get past my own B.S. I can ride this Thirty Train for a year!  What better reason to celebrate for a whole year, but by turning Thirty AND being divorced!?!?!?!?  When I do finally give myself that last, big shake and I settle into 2013 fully, I really think I am going to run with this like I am being chased by a chainsaw wielding mad man!  Maybe I will take a lover, or two, or runaway on weekends and explore my state and once I do that I will move on to another state.  This may just be the year that I finish my great novel and start making my living by my pen!  And if I get bored I can dive into some obscure, but interesting hobby like Euro-Gaming or Steam Punk!  With all the amazing choices and opportunities AND a new year--oh I am grabbing this bull by the horns and riding him until he collapses!!!  
     So give a little cheer for Finess and me because we are going to rock this year and mark these milestones like no other!  Thanks for reading and until next time...Ciao!
    
  ~ Marissa