My 30 Year Old Self

     I remember when I was younger and I thought by the time I was 30 my life would be golden; everything I wanted would have been accomplished with great success and I would be settled, happy and completely comfortable.  Well, Yeah, reality slapped me in my face during my quarter life crisis and cured me of that little bit of unrealistic tripe.  The closer I got to thirty the more I realized that life doesn't work like that.  I can plan and work my butt off, but if things aren't meant to happen the way I desire--they won't.  
     By the time I finally hit thirty I had come to understand and accept that control is an illusion; everything happens for a reason (and I mean EVERYTHING); and that even the best laid plans do not always come to fruition.  I also came to terms with the fact that I will always miss my twenty-year old body and I can NEVER have it again.  But, seriously, reminiscing about what I thought my life would be like at thirty and how it truly is--is both humorous and disappointing as well.  
     I know that I am not the only person to feel like this.  And although I have finally found a path of acceptance and understanding a small part of me would have liked to have fulfilled at least one goal on that intricate and well detailed time line I wrote out in my high school notebook.  Even if it was to be married with a couple of kids by twenty-eight or a successfully established author by thirty (hey I am knocking on thirty-one and still haven't gotten my first, 'yes', yet) a little something checked off would make me feel less--disappointing.  Yet, all of those nagging "disappointments" that have remained on that sheet of notebook paper raise a more important question:  Would I be who I am had I already checked off those boxes?
     Would I love the way that I do without going through the trials and tribulations that I have survived?  Would I know how to survive failure without having failed?  Would I be able to empathize with others--understand the importance of defending the meek as well as myself--if I had never suffered, never had to fight?  If my path didn't take me through the darkness would I be able to understand and appreciate the light?  If I had been able to check off some of those boxes I probably wouldn't have had half of the experiences or opportunities I have had.  Nor would I have half of the memories or the people that I love so dearly in my life either.  
     I am thirty and although I didn't think this is where I was going to be at thirty--I am happy to be here.  I have made it through three decades of heart ache, pain, growth, achievement and--adventure!  I am still full of life and light--despite the little bit of darkness--and although I am no longer sparkly and new, I have aged beautifully.  Every crack, bit of discoloration, every flaw is a testament to my resilience, my ability to adapt and survive and not lose--me!  I may not be where I planned, but I am proud of who I am and being able to say that I am still making it.  And obviously whatever God has planned for me is better than what I had planned for myself.  
     Well, that's all I have for tonight!  Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa        

A Few of My Favorite Things

     So my body feels like mine again, so happy that I am feeling better,  it has been a rough couple of days.  Now that my convalescence is almost finished I wanted to add a couple more posts!
     Now that I am officially Flirty Thirty (definitely not dirty because:  A.  I don't think it is possible for me to be more dirty *insert sly smile* and B.  I feel as an adult woman and not a man that is a term that really doesn't apply to my thirtieth!)  I wanted to have some fun with a post and list a few of my favorite things (with the reasons why of course).  My name might not be Oprah, but I want to share my favorite things with you, with that being said *Drum Roll, Please* (in no specific order) here are some of my favorite things:
     1.)  Being a Woman--With our ability to love and give; fragile-strength; versatility and femininity I would never want to be a man (unlike some of my girlfriends, lol)!
     2.)  Books--If you KNOW me, you know this to be an undeniable truth.  It isn't just because I want to be a writer, but also because of the worlds you get to visit; the characters you get to fall in love with; what you get to learn--oh the reasons go on forever!
     3.)  Girlfriends--Most of my life I have had more guy friends than girlfriends.  I never did this on purpose, but I don't regret that it happened because my guy friends are awesome.  Never the less I really enjoy the girlfriends  I have, especially now.  I adore girls night out; shopping dates; book club; brunches and luncheons.  It really is a lot of fun, a new kind of fun that I may very well never get tired of!
     4.)  Flirting--I enjoy flirting (with a purpose of course).  It is fun to test my feminine wiles every now and again!  I love to flirt with the guy I am dating more than anyone else!  I love walking into the same place, but separately then trying to pick each other up like we have never met before.  (I am getting giddy just thinking about it *insert girlish giggles*!)
     5.)  Getting Dolled Up--I adore getting dressed up on special occasions!  The clothes, shoes, make up, hair, all of it, God I love it!  I used to love going to black tie events and business brunches where I got to look as pretty as a picture!  I would love to go to one of the Masquerades this NYE either here or in D.C. (preferably D.C.) with a beautiful mask, dress and all.  Honestly nothing makes me feel more feminine than taking time to pamper myself and go out to some awesome event.
     6.)  Emotions--"...You make me feel, so emotional..." and because I am a girl it is ok!  I can cry because I am happy, sad, mad, confused, hurt, well for any reason  and it is not only understandable, but socially acceptable too.  I am able to feel and express how I feel in whatever way is fitting and not have to worry or care what anyone says (within reason and without harm to others of course)!  This is one attribute that is absolutely priceless!
     7.)  Flaunt My Interests--I can have varied interests and they can be (and in reality they truly are) unusual and it is ok!  It is more than ok!  I have a small interests in gaming; a (huge) affection for anime; an interest in various sports; a passion for literature and movies; love of music and documentaries and so many other things!  All together both girls and guys think its cool that I can game or talk about old school DBZ; make a hole in one; understand the breakdown of a football play; but turn around and discuss Ovid's "Metamorphosis" or the brilliance of Da Vinci!  I can explore my interests and even if they are geeky, nerdy or unusual they help to make me a more well rounded woman (while I stay true to myself).  I can celebrate, share and explore my interests to my heart's content and it is considered a good thing!
     Needless to say I am truly grateful for all of the blessings I have in my life and for who I am too.  I hope this inspires you to count your blessings and remember some of your own favorite things.  Well y'all that's all I have to share for this post!  Until another time, I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind!
     ~Marissa 

The Third Times the Charm/ Divorcee Dating Saga Part Quatre

     Okay, so it has been a little while and you know even if I can't post I do still write posts to add to our blog later.  This one I have been working on, but for the life of me, I couldn't get it to come out right so I decided to try it off cuff and see how it goes.  The latest update in this divorcee's dating saga is--well I guess there is a lot to update quite honestly.  Quite awhile ago I figured out that Shakespeare really wasn't going to work (remember ladies we should not date on "potential" alone!  I will post something about that later).  Too bad, I thought that would have been an interesting adventure considering our similarities and differences as well.  Shakespeare was a nice enough guy, but--just not for me.  Additionally I do believe (quite strongly) that men (women too, but in my case) make time for what is important to them.  If you can not make time for me and continuously break dates then you are wasting my time.  But hey, I also believe everything for a reason so, no harm, no foul, really.  We must all pursue our happiness.
     After Shakespeare took himself out of the running I was just going to enjoy my 30th with my girls and embrace the year as I have been doing.  What I wasn't expecting was that an ex of mine (from quite a few years ago, like waaay before I met and married my ex husband (there I go showing my age again)) who had been such a great and dear friend (stood by me and supported me through many relationships including my marriage and subsequent divorce) would come back into my life asking for another chance.  Now for those of you who know me, and I mean really know me, it is more than common knowledge that I am NOT an advocate for repeat relationships. ( I know I am painting myself to be a hypocrite but I am hoping that my honesty will absolve me of it.)  The main reason why is because if it didn't work in the first place why would it work now?  Add to that the simple fact that change is hard (it must come from a genuine desire to change) and the pain of the past with that person equals a very difficult situation.
     Honestly, for me at least, I find it difficult to revisit or rather restart a relationship with an ex because when I am hurt I put up a wall.  When I start a relationship I am completely open, but if it starts to go sour, if I am hurt, than brick by brick a wall goes up.  Sometimes it is to minimize the damage, sometimes it is to help me walk away because for the life of me I can't stop loving him and even though all of the sense I own is screaming I should, I just can't.  Love is an entity that no one can control and even fewer of us can understand.  I don't question love, I feel I have no right.  I appreciate and accept it for the rare and Iwondrous gift it is; I would be an even bigger hypocrite if I am always spouting off about the beauty of love and how we should accept it, if I turned away from it because of the fear I have yet to work through.
     So after some serious self reflection and consideration--I accepted it, accepted him.  I, like any other person, have my reasons which although I adore our readers they will remain mine at least for now.  What I will say is that the choice wasn't easy for me.  Not because I don't have feelings for him or that he isn't a wonderful person (because he is), but because change is hard and working past my fear of being hurt by him (or any one for that matter) is just as hard.  But when the only thing I was afraid of was falling for him all over again I had to ask myself whether he was worth me free falling from the cliff or should I remain a safe distance from the edge.  If all I had to fear was the fear of loving and being in love with him even more than before, then how ridiculous (and ungrateful) would I be to give into that fear and walk away?  He is "putting up" for sure, with out a doubt stepping up, and proving that he has changed.  So (here goes my inner princess)--I jumped--and so far I am very happy I did.
     I will admit that there is a change in him that I not only feel (get your mind out of the gutter guys this isn't that kind of post), but see as well.  This inspires even more hope in me--in us.  Funny, it scares me a little because it is as though we haven't been apart for years.  It is like we haven't missed a beat or step at all.  Although there is a familiarity to it there is something very new and different to it as well.  Hmmmm, well kiddies, I guess we will see.  I am looking forward to seeing how things go this time around.
     Until another time, lovelies, I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind.
~Marissa