Admist the Quiet

     I have always fancied myself a night owl.  And not only because I am (most certainly) not a morning person.  I have always found the quiet of the night to be comforting, alluring--peaceful.  Even the beauty of the moon in its various progressions--brilliant stars (twice as vibrant this time of the year) and the sound of virtually nothing is a fascinating delight that never loses its magic for me.  Maybe it is because I live (and most certainly work) in a very noisy world that I sometimes forget the joy and absolute beauty of the silence that seems to only be found in the night.
     It is the time of the day that holds the most magic because everything seems so much clearer without the noise of the more wakeful hours.  It is a time for reflection, meditation, thankfulness, prayers and dreams.  It is during these hours that I breathe easier and feel more "present" than any other.  It amazes me that something as simple as quiet--taking time to sit and enjoy the peace of it--can make such a difference in my state of being.  I have said it many times and I am sure I am not the only one who gets caught up in the "business" of my everyday life that at times I forget about what I find during these hours.  But in those moments that I happen to find sleep absent from my grasp--it strikes me--and before I know it, a practically instantaneous comfort fills me.      
     I am sure you can imagine what an interesting child I was for I didn't fear the night or even the "witching hours", as my family used to call it.  I welcomed it and I still do.  For when it comes--with the gift of (subsequent) quiet it brings with it--I can remember what my day has pushed back from the forefront of my mind.  Ah--sweet clarity--what joy!  And tonight--tonight I have reflected upon the many blessings I have been given and the people who make my life so very special.  My heart is filled with memories and hopes for Hunny and me; thankfulness for Chickateeta and Maman; memories of the Rugrat and Booger and all the fun I have with my friends--the things they have all taught me--and how they have helped me become the woman I am.  I am grateful to God for the gift of these magnificent individuals in my life.  And being able to reflect upon my journey with them reminds me that blessings come in many packages and can be quite simple sometimes too. 
     As you can tell these moments of quiet provide me with the opportunity to renew my eternal balance--in a way--with only a little of my "sleep" time sacrificed.  I encourage you all to find your own quiet time and see what happens!  Who knows what kind of clarity you may find.  As it is, Sleep has finally chosen to show me some favor and my bed is calling me to snuggle down deep into a warm comforter and fluffy pillows.  So, I believe that this will be enough sharing from me for one night.  Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa     
    

Love and Their Breaks

         In my thirty years I have discovered, through trials and tribulations, just how much Love varies.  And as spring fever gives way to summer love, many of the conversations that have been had lately are not only about relationships, but about Love.  Some times I forget that not everyone has had both the curse and the privilege to know the heartbreak of a first Love or how there are many ways and places within us to Love.  I think that many of us either don't know, forget, fear or underestimate Love so much that we never truly get to know or experience it--in its glorious and varying magnitude.
     I learned that I Love not just from my heart, but my soul and very being as well.  Because of this I have earned the misfortune as well as the fortune of experiencing "breaks (as in heart)" and Love in many varying degrees. Of course (as this is my humble opinion in regards to my own experiences) the kind of "break" depends upon the kind of Love it originated from.  (Let's see if I can give you a better explanation--:)  I have had an unrequited Love;  And also a first Love;  I have grown with a young Love; suffered (and learned) from (an unfortunately) devastating Love and tried to fight an uncontrollable Love.  These are my five great Loves (not that I haven't loved other men, but these I have been in love with and they have been an influence within my life and understanding).
     My first Love as well as my young Love--I loved them from my heart.  Different places within my heart, but when way led unto way that is what broke--a part of my heart.   Whereas my unrequited and devastating Loves--those Loves--were experienced with my soul.    After our seasons were finished and when life lead us down different paths it wasn't a part of my heart that broke--no--they each took a part of my soul with them.  (Hence the saying, "Be careful who you love", although if it were possible there would never be a broken heart.)
     Now, my uncontrollable Love--this love was a first for me--It was terrifying, unexpected, consuming and--uncontrollable.  I never knew I could love someone with the entirety of my being (as dramatic as it sounds--I feel what and how I feel--but don't we all).  This love was one that defied explanation for truly there are no words to help any one understand who has never experienced its ilk before.  When it ended the first time (well details are a luxury I shall not afford you) I swore never again.  I wasn't strong enough to withstand it again (this "break" was equivalent to having pieces of my soul taken), yet I obviously couldn't deny it for the rest of my life (we are going to see how this round plays out).
       It isn't as though I planned on how and from where I would love them, it kind of happened (along with the "breaks").  (Can we ever plan on how or who we love, truly?)  And knowing that when we Love another we take a chance with our hearts--souls--very beings--is Love, at the end of the day, not worth the gamble?  Again and again, throughout the years I have gone through "breaks" because for me, Love will ALWAYS be worth the risk.  I am who I am because of my experiences and even though there was hurt, pain, loss and sadness there was also joy, passion, growth, happiness and laughter too.  Life is a balance and Love is a part of that balance (maybe the biggest part).  I will never let the pain or mistakes of my past allow me to miss out on the potentials and possibilities of Love.  I will always choose Love.  And if I lose I will not be a sore (or bitter) loser for then I would be cheating myself.  Instead (as I have learned to do) I will take some time and re-invest in myself--gather my chips--and get back to the tables when I am ready.
     At the end of the day this is my choice--what will be yours?  Will you settle for a life hiding, running, shunning or ignoring the greatest gift, ability and experience given to us--or will you fall, fly, fight for it?  What is a life without Love?  And why let any fear of past or unknown stop you from such a treasure as Love?  Well, I think that this is enough food for thought for one night.  I am sorry for the length, but I had a lot on my mind--and a lot to say.  Until another time I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind.
     ~Marissa        

In Retrospect...

     After having a fantastic lunch and a wonderfully in depth conversation with my dear Finess, I feel a little more at ease within myself.  One should thank God for friends blessed with caring hearts and solid wisdom.  I believe we should all endeavor to surround ourselves with good people, friends, who help us to see outside ourselves and gain a better understanding (or perspective) of who we are (or situations we are going through).  It is a wonder that I ever forget that a solid and open conversation can lighten the load of ones heart, mightily.  Something that important or essential should be at the forefront of one's mind, always.
     As it is we had a deliciously relevant conversation that touched on many things, but she gave birth to a moment of retrospect of a terribly serious nature(well maybe not terribly serious...), quite unexpectedly.  On my drive back home, with The Lumineers softly playing in the background and the flash of inconsistent street lights jumping into the windows of my car, I thought about how right she was about having the wrong people in your life.  Family, co-workers, friends, acquaintances, lovers, boyfriends, no matter the title if a person is wrong for you or your life then it is time for a change.  How can you prosper, how can your blessings find you, when there are people (who mean you no good what so ever) standing in the way.  I mean after all they are, meaty blockades, so busy causing mischief, discord and/or dissension that you become entirely too busy (trying to maintain some kind of peaceful accord in your life) to hear the holy whisper of God in your ear.
     Should any one of those meaty blockades be immune to the subsequent changes of this bit of retrospective enlightenment?  Would I not be sacrificing not only the beauteous possibilities of my future, but my very happiness as well (even if it is a little bit)?  When it comes to my happiness I rather feel like a general in the midst of war and I declare that it is no holds barred!  Why should I take prisoners or make alliances with those who have already proven their worth (or lack there of)?  I do believe that there is some merit to this tactic.  Maybe I should pull out my (figurative) combat boots and military fatigues and suit up.  Start seriously kicking butt and forgetting names.  After all if my happiness and future is at stake, why would I do anything else (or less for that matter)?  Oh how way leads onto way, from retrospect to reassessment to rejuvenation.  I truly thank God for friends like these, and the unexpected enlightenment that is born from conversations...      ~ Marissa

The Big 3-0!

     Where as my dear Finess is approaching her Quarter Life Mark, I am approaching my third decade...God, do I even have sufficient words to describe the feeling that is going through my body or the thoughts that are going through my head, right now?  I feel for the lovely Finess because I have been where she is and as you can clearly see I made it through my Quarter Life, but now I am approaching the big 3-0!  The fact that I am standing with my toes curled upon the ledge of twenty-something getting ready to fall into the abyss of THIRTY I must admit that I am sad, discouraged and maybe just a little excited in a weird way...Let me explain...No, there is too much, let me sum up (*SMILE*)!  I feel sad because I am not where I thought I would be, funny this feeling is akin to how I felt when I was going through my quarter life crisis, but different.  I am sad and discouraged because I am a divorcee still fighting to get back on solid ground and making my life into something I can once again be proud of.  I never thought I would be divorced at thirty (or technically a little before).  I thought I would be happily married, moving into a sweet renovated bungalow and getting ready to have my first child.  I find my birthday literally two months away and I am husband-less, child-less and struggling.   It is like a repeat performance of my quarter life crisis and I pray to GOD that this isn't some half decade re-occurring phenomenon...I will be completely gray by the time I am thirty five if it is!  I mean didn't I already do this?!?!?!  Am I not supposed to be in a more stable place occupationally and personally instead of going through this...AGAIN?!?!?!? (HEAVE A HEAVY SIGH)  But then I have to give myself a shake and realize that if I truly believe (which I do) that everything happens for a reason, then there is a purpose for this experience, this struggle...And once I (HEAVE ANOTHER HEAVY SIGH--WOOOOOSSSSSAAAAAWWWWW) accept this I can move a little easier into this transition.  
     And this is where I feel a little excited...(it gets a little confusing so follow closely) I am about to be THIRTY!!!! And I can say that I am a pretty, sweet, kind, smart thirty year old divorcee!!! I don't have children hanging on to my apron strings (thank God for that, I feel for kids who are dragged through divorce), I learned a lot from my marriage, I can probably write a phenomenal story about it all and become a millionaire if I wanted.  I have my life still stretched out before me and for all that is good in this world I made it to THIRTY which sadly many people can't say...So what if I loved, married and lost...I can love and marry again, my life really isn't over.  If I can get past my own B.S. I can ride this Thirty Train for a year!  What better reason to celebrate for a whole year, but by turning Thirty AND being divorced!?!?!?!?  When I do finally give myself that last, big shake and I settle into 2013 fully, I really think I am going to run with this like I am being chased by a chainsaw wielding mad man!  Maybe I will take a lover, or two, or runaway on weekends and explore my state and once I do that I will move on to another state.  This may just be the year that I finish my great novel and start making my living by my pen!  And if I get bored I can dive into some obscure, but interesting hobby like Euro-Gaming or Steam Punk!  With all the amazing choices and opportunities AND a new year--oh I am grabbing this bull by the horns and riding him until he collapses!!!  
     So give a little cheer for Finess and me because we are going to rock this year and mark these milestones like no other!  Thanks for reading and until next time...Ciao!
    
  ~ Marissa