The Differences Between the Sexes

     Do you remember that book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?  I know I am dating myself a bit here, but do you remember just how big a deal it was when it first hit the shelves?  I do, I was a little young, although not that much, and I remember for the longest that was all most adults could talk about.  Honestly, I have never read it--nor am I inclined to, but the whole premise that men and women are from two vastly different planets is rather interesting.  It is also a touch sexist too considering that we created that classification box to decide that when certain sexes display certain emotions, thoughts and ideals that some are only acceptable for either a male or female to have.  But, I am being tangential in my thought process.  The point of my reminding you of that book is to emphasis how right it is--in a way at least--about the emotional differences between most men and women.
     I have had this conversation with my girlfriends multiple times.  Sometimes we wish we could just date each other.  Why? Not to fulfill a lesbian fantasy, sorry to burst your bubbles, but because we understand each other.  There is never a moment I have to worry about them not being loving, supportive and kind.  They are honest, dependable, accepting and fun to be with.  There is never a worry in my heart that I have to walk on thin ice or egg shells with them AND they appreciate all of my quirks and flaws.  They want to and do make time to spend with me.  They are emotionally available and open.  They understand their short comings and strive to better themselves.  They never lie to me or give me empty promises--as the list grows longer I am sure you can see why this is a conversation between us.  We get each other and understand what we need.  It would be as easy as breathing--it would WORK.
     Unfortunately, we don't have a real desire to date each other.  What's worse is there is such a pathetically dire shortage of men who know how to emotionally engage and connect with, that it seems damn near impossible to have a real relationship with them anymore.  Too many like to coast and have shallow relationships.  They don't want to or know how to expel the energy necessary to build an emotional foundation with the person they claim to love/care about.  What they don't seem to understand to this day, no matter how many books are published, is that an emotional connection with their S.O. is the most important thing to maintain.  Because once a woman checks out emotionally because of neglect it just pushes her that much closer to walking out the door.  Like one of my dear besties said earlier this week, "Women put up with a lot of shit, but when they have finally had enough it is really over".  I couldn't have said it better myself.  Most women really do try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and--well you get the point, but when the trying is done and they keep giving and fighting to no avail and they decide it is time to walk then there is no way to save or repair the damage that has been done.  And yet most guys still wonder what happened and where things went wrong.  Well sweet cheeks when you don't nourish and care for the emotional well being of your relationship--you open the door for someone else to step in who will--you open the door for your S.O. to walk out too.  And the only person to blame is YOU!
     In reality Love isn't enough--you can't hang or abuse your relationship on the fact that your S.O. loves you.  You must build trust; grow to understand your S.O.; and nurture your relationship.  If you don't do these things then nothing else matters because the relationship won't succeed.  Every woman has a breaking point.  And if you don't care enough to give her what she deserves and you break her--then she is within her right to leave.  If you don't have the maturity or drive to see that these things are necessary and worthwhile then maybe you should just be man enough to admit you can't handle a relationship and be by yourself.  It is a little tough--but tough love sometimes is very necessary.  Besides a little punch to the throat is good for some people!  Until another time I do wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
     Always,
         Marissa  

The Fading Light

     Finess and I have been gone awhile!  But, there has been a lot happening in our lives.  I have missed blogging, quite a bit (I'm sure I have written this before) actually.  And yet, I find myself struggling to finish a single one that I have started.  At first I thought it was because I was out of practice, but then I realized I wasn't being honest with myself.  I am not out of practice at all, but rather emotionally bogged down.  I am overwhelmed with so many emotions, about a couple of things in my life right now, that I feel all of them to the point of becoming numb.  I didn't even know that was possible, but I seem to continue to learn something new about myself every day.
     Honestly, I wish I could turn it off--what I feel--it would be so much easier; it would be much less like living and more existing, but easier none the less.  In truth I feel like most of my life is exactly where and what I desire it to be.  I absolutely love my friends.  They are magnificent, wonderful and phenomenal.  I trust, depend on, and love them all so completely.  They enrich my life and I can't imagine being without them!  I have moved from a necessary job to the career I wanted with the organization I wanted!  And quite surprisingly my (blood) family (collectively at least the majority of us) are starting to come together a little more than we have been in the past few years.  But there are just a few relationships in my life that have started to negatively affect my happy.
     Sometimes I think that I am being selfish from wanting to be happy across the board--in every way possible--instead of just being contented.  But then I think that is the most ridiculous of all my thoughts.  Should I not be happy--completely happy--shouldn't we all?  Then more ridiculous ideas follow suite.  Sometimes I think I committed a great sin in one of my previous lives and I am still paying for it in this one--that is why I am not allowed to be completely happy.  (I have told Finess this and she thinks it is beyond uber ridiculous.)  And yet, considering the darkness that I have survived in my life--the trials and tribulations--I think even if that were true that I would have repaid my karma-debt by now.  Then (as if you didn't know that word was coming again) I start to think of things from another perspective.  I was told to never let anyone or anything affect my 'happy'.  And yet I am--shamefully so.  Contrary wise, when there are people close to you in your life do they not have an affect on it whether you wish them to or not?  Is that not the gamble we take when we form bonds, connections and relationships with people--no matter what kind they are?
   I mean relationships are hard.  Especially in this day and age it seems they are exceptionally difficult.  Many people are jaded, wounded, fearful, dissatisfied and hopeless about their desired or current relationships (no matter the kind of relationship it is).    And if the relationship is emotionally uneven because one individual suffers from any or multiple previously mentioned emotions it negatively effects the other.  So not just one person is miserable because of their past or fear of their future, but so is the person they are in the relationship with who they either subconsciously or consciously (deliberately or accidentally) inflict their misery upon.  And in their emotional vulnerability and selfishness they can not see the damage they are dealing (or either do not care the pain, hurt and destruction they cause) to those they SAY they love and/or care about.  The relationship which was once shinning with promise and filled with hope has earned an unbecoming patina and is slowly emptying of all the goodness that was once in it.  And it is that reality--that undeniable and horrific truth of relationships that is standing in my way of my absolute happiness.
     The emotions that have been born from this horror plaque me--disappointment, sadness, anger, frustration, fatigue, confusion--they are overwhelming me.  When I try and try and try and TRY and TRY and TRY AND TRY to no avail--when I give my best, but it doesn't matter--when I am torn and the voice of the Almighty evades me in the most fervent of my prayers; what is left for me to do?  Where can guidance be found?  I reflect and I break it down, again and again like slow, willing, painful torture.  I think and re-think; evaluate and deconstruct and yet, answers evade me.  And in such an overly vulnerable state the emotions take hold and I can not shake them and at the worst of times I can not contain them.  And the shame that flitted along the surface of my emotional storm deepen.  And the anger, disappointment, frustration and confusion seamlessly snake their spindly fingers, entwining with the shame and joining its direction into the very pit of my heart; the opinion and understanding of myself waivers muddying the water of my, once quite clear, eternal being.  It feeds my self-shame and my self shame feeds the rest of the pain mongering emotions that have taken hold.
     It has become an endless, ruthless, painful cycle that has spun out of control; as if I ever had control of it in the first place.  All of that possibly although seemingly impossible controllable emotions are causing me to doubt the surety I once had of myself and my womanhood.  My self esteem is taking a beating and I don't know if it can keep on ticking.  Essentially and most simply, with everything that I have and continue to endure with no signs of improvement have started to make my light fade.  As I am sure you can see, in this chosen moment of quite necessary, frightening, vulnerable honesty.  Funny enough this is not what I thought to blog about today.  This kind of happened.  So, obviously I will publish it--even thought its simple existence frightens me.  Even if it hasn't been terribly therapeutic, maybe it may help someone else.  And that is the purpose of our blog.  To share our honest stories and opinions in the hopes of showing others that they are not alone and to help them too.  So, here it is--or more exact, here I am.  Vulnerable, open, doubting--essentially, painfully, human.  EEEKKKK!  So, I'm just going to hit 'Publish' before my nerves get the better of me.
     Until another time, even if I haven't achieved it yet,  I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!

Always,
Marissa 

Opening Doors

Relationships are precarious and beautiful things no matter what kind they are.  Some are meant to last forever while others, for only a moment within life.  Maybe that is what makes them so beautiful.   Even relationships that are never fully realized or fulfilled hold a majesty of their own, though there existence may have resulted in pain or loss it did at one point inspire love and happiness.  Most relationships,  I believe,  retain their beauty no matter the outcome.  Even so,  no matter how long a relationship is destined to exist it should always be maintained until it has run its course.
     Isn't it interesting how relationships can start from nothing?   A chance meeting, s new job, even simply exploring or doing something new can lead you into a new one.  All it takes  is one person opening the door for another.   Although it takes two to make it work, ironically it can only take one to make it end.  Basically relationships, "...open at the close".  Sometimes it is intentional,  someone either physically or emotionally pushing you out of the door of their life, one that was once open for you, a welcoming entrance.  But other times it is subtle,  maybe unintentional even, but that doesn't make it any easier to take.  
   In truth I believe the subtle "shoves" are the worse.   It starts with the decline of consideration,  empty words, broken promises,  procrastination--these all lead to the decline of trust and a quickly evaporating desire to remain within the relationship.   Of course things, if left in such a state as this, begin to deteriorate rather quickly for the lack of trust is a consuming poison that murders affection,  passion,  desire and intimacy.  By the time one or both parties realize it,  there is nothing left to salvage.  Such a sad and devastating realization can be rather traumatizing. 
     You see we chose how we navigate the course of our relationships with every word,  action and decision.   We must be careful and mindful for once  poor choices are made the course into the storm becomes virtually inevitable.   And once in it,  it is very difficult to navigate out as much so as it is to repair the damage that is done.  That is why we must not say we love and cherish someone if we do not bestow on them every regard that those words entail .  We must always remember that words are powerful and should not be used carelessly and the same is true for actions.  That is why we must always endeavor to do and be our best, no matter what,   for those we have relationships with.
     When these undeniable truths are forgotten, disregarded or overlooked that is when the door opens,  that is when the opportunity is presented for the person that once held an open invitation is inadvertently encouraged to leave or someone else is encouraged to come in and steal them away.  Always remember not to take them for granted for once that door is open you may lose one of the best and most important people in your life.   Until another time I wish you love and happiness of the trust kind.
     ~Marissa

New Addition

     So--I have a list of fictional men that I believe all men should learn from.  It may seem silly but hey I didn't ask you.  Truth be told I think a lot of men would be better off if they chose even two of these men to emulate, but hey that's just my opinion.  I have yet to meet any guy who would undertake such an endeavor.  Anyway, the point I'd me confessing this is to say that I have officially added a new addition to my list.  This, my dear readers, is a very rare occurrence!  I didn't think I would be adding anyone to the list for at least a decade, so imagine my surprise when I finally stumbled across someone worth adding!  Now, without further adieu *insert drum roll here, please* the new addition is LOGAN from "The Lucky One"!
     Now, I'm not adding Logan because of Zack Effron's (sexy and delicious) portrayal of the character, (even though it may be hard to believe) I am adding Logan because of his character attributes.  Logan is honest--really truly honest, sincere, vulnerable, patient, even tempered, selfless, polite, thoughtful (without even being asked to be), observant, calm, level headed and strong.  But he doesn't misuse his strength--he uses it to protect others and at times he uses his strength of presence (and not even his physical strength) to do it.  He doesn't mind hard work, can handle difficult situations with ease and proves to be reliable and brave to boot.  And those are just his general attributes!

     Logan isn't just a very well rounded man on a personal level but on a romantic level as well.  Even though his past is dark and he  is a little broken by it, he didn't run from it.  He understands, takes responsibility for and embraces his experiences and feelings instead of running from them.  He doesn't allow his past to negatively dictate how he approaches/handles his life or relationships.  This enables him to be ready, emotionally available and a steady man.  I absolutely love how he talks to and treats Beth (aka: the very lucky love interest).  He is gentle, understanding and passionate.  He doesn't ever lose his temper with her and is always thoughtful with his words and actions ( I.e. the way he closed the screen door to allow her a safe space while he told her the truth of why he came to Harden).  He supported and protected her without hesitation or needing to be asked.  He cared for Beth and her family, with honor and reverence, all of which made his character insanely attractive and desirable (even more so than his love scenes).  The way he held her, when she needed comfort, touched her when things were "heating up" was an added bonus!
     Nicholas Sparks developed the quintessential, long sought after "perfect" man in this character.  I hesitate to use the word perfect because perfection is impossible to achieve.  And although Logan was wonderful he wasn't perfect.  His ptsd was difficult for him and sometimes his reserve of character could translate over as being ambivalent or even cold, but Logan, this character, is what most women (and I as well) want.  Hence the term perfect, which I do use loosely.  Logan was a good man.  And  that is something that is achievable--something to aspire to be.  His maturity and goodness are what most men are missing.  Too long has the importance of character-gentleness, honesty, reliability, bravery, responsibility, etc. have been over looked and under valued!  That is why chivalry is thought to be dead!  Even though the hopeless romantic in me usually has to fight the jaded-world practical side of me, this character brought both of my warring factions together. 
     So, I hope you will join me in welcoming Logan to The List. And if you haven't pick up the movie--you can thank me for that later!  Until another time I wish you Love and Happiness of the truest kind.

*FOR REFERENCE* The List (in no particular order):  Mr. Darcy ("Pride and Prejudice"), Strider aka: Aragorn (Lord of the Rings), (practically any character and/or a few real life attributes of)--Fred Astaire--Gene Kelly--Carey Grant--Patrick Stewart, Logan ("The Lucky One"), Rick("The Mummy"), Harry Potter(I swear it isn't only because I'm a Potterhead), Rhett Butler ("Gone with the Wind") and Colonel Brandon ("Sense and Sensibility")

Soul Mates

     We are all spiders in this life.  Building connections with others until we have a web connecting us to those we love, like, admire and even hate.  Connections sometimes take time, but the ones that are the most magical happen before we take our first breath.  They are instantaneous, predestined, before we even meet and when we do--BAM--the kindred souls connect; falling together like missing pieces of the same puzzle.  Sometimes these connections are to friends who you know beyond a shadow of a doubt were members of your family in a former life.  Others are your romantic halves--promising love either missed or deprived from lives before.  But no matter what space they fill in your life or heart they are your soul mates.
     I think there is a serious misconception in this world that there is only one soul mate, just one person that completes you.  Maybe for some this is true to a degree, but even then I would challenge them in asking this--who declared that soul mates can only be of a romantic nature?  I know, from my experiences, that I have had many soul mates.  Some have been long lost sisters and brothers, people whom I love and trust as family almost instantaneously (which is out of character for me) because it was the most natural feeling and desire in my heart--a reaction as innate as breathing for me.  And a deep feeling of knowing them beyond this life envelopes me with a warmth, comfort, almost like coming home.  It is surreal and unlike anything I have ever known before.  They are my soul mates.  Our connection and love for each other, even though familial, is still that of a soul mate.
     And of course I have had soul mates in love and romance that have touched my heart in places I never knew existed.  I loved them beyond reason and explanation.  Even if it didn't last or our roads diverged--I love them.  But never have I loved any of them the same.  I love them from the place in my heart and soul they captured and for all of time--just like the kindred brothers and sisters of my soul--that love will remain.  It isn't that they all ended well or lasted long; nor did I love them to the same depth or degree, but the connection was natural and(again) an instantaneous feeling off having known each other long before our paths crossed.  It was real and genuine and that is an incomparable magic all on its own. 
     I can understand if this may confuse some people or that they may think it impossible to connect with different people in such a way, but I believe that they forget that LOVE is infinite.  It is limited only by ourselves.  Soul Connections can be one of the most beautiful and rewarding things in this life.  Neither are meant to always make sense, but they are meant to be appreciated and experienced to the fullest.    Maybe this idea is too "open" for some, but as always I speak from the truth from my heart. Until another time I wish you all LOVE and Happiness of the truest kind.

     --Marissa

Opening and Closing Doors

     Relationships--there are so many different types--no human on this earth has ever existed without having a relationship of some kind.  Connection--love--we all crave it, need it in our lives.  We strive to achieve and maintain healthy, successful relationships.  And truth be told that is a separate job in and of itself, even though it is truly worth it.  But, when relationships start to head south (as some inevitably will)--hit brick walls--or seem to stagnate no matter what you do, say or try, and you are frustrated and hurting because things just aren't working no matter how much love or time you pour into it, what do you do?
     First--Please take time to quiet your mind so you can hear your heart.  REFLECT--evaluate and give yourself a chance to breathe and think things through.  Making decisions or even just thinking about a difficult situation or decision out of a place of hurt, anger, or confusion isn't good for you or fair for your partner.
     Secondly--After your period of reflection, make sure that you realize the part you played in causing the decline of your relationship.  AKA:  Take RESPONSIBILITY!  A relationship takes 2 people, right?  So the responsibility of the health of the relationship lies with not just one party, but both!  Hopefully in your moment of reflection you would have completely assessed not just the errors of your partner, but the your own as well.  If you have then you should be able to accept your own actions (or inaction) that contributed to the situation.  Taking responsibility is just as important as reflecting and evaluating the situation with a clear heart and mind. 
     Thirdly--After you have reflected and taken responsibility then it is time to COMMUNICATE!  After you have clarity, take time to speak with your partner.  Let them know how you feel and where your heart and mind are.  Be as honest and clear as possible.  Do not do them nor yourself the dishonor of lying (not even lying by omission) or hiding the truth.  Be respectful and listen as well as speak your peace.  If your partner is not open or supportive then they have essentially made their decision.
     Lastly--When you take time to not only learn and understand what has caused the decline of a relationship, but to also take responsibility and the time to communicate with your partner then you are in a place to make a DECISION.  You have to decide whether or not this relationship has hope, if your partner is truly open to working on this with you (and not just verbally saying they are, but actually putting in the work, people) OR if it is time for you to end it and go your separate ways.  Unfortunately, love is not enough and one person can not put in all the time, work and energy.  Sometimes it is very hard, especially when you are in love with your partner, to walk away, but if your happiness and well being isn't important to them--it has to be important enough to you for you to protect it; since they have decided not to.
     Essentially what we need to remember is that we are responsible for the success or demise of our relationships.  We are the ones who open and close these doors.  If you are negligent, cavalier, uncaring, lazy, thoughtless, cruel, unromantic, etc. then I hope you realize that you have OPENED the door in your relationship for your partner to walk out or someone else to walk in!  If you want your partner in your life and a successful relationship--it takes work!  If you aren't willing to put in the work (as I have stated before) step aside for someone who will.  You can't completely blame your partner for being unsatisfied, unhappy or even tempted by someone else when you are not meeting nor fulfilling their needs.  I think a lot of times we forget that we are not in relationships for ourselves.  We are in relationships with people because of them--for them--you should want to be with someone because you wish to build a life and a future with them.  You should be with someone because you wish to love, protect, care for them and make them happy. 
     Relationships test your character, heart and very soul.  If you are selfish, egotistical, or even insecure, oblivious, condescending or untrustworthy, etc. then it isn't possible for you to have a healthy relationship.  If you aren't happy with yourself, or too consumed with self in anyway there is no way you can be giving with your partner.  And relationships are all about GIVING to someone else!  Love is worth the risk and the work for me, but not everyone truly--to their core--will feel this way.  And if you are one of those individuals who continuously takes and hurts and expects your partner to sit around waiting for you to wise up!  That isn't fair (it is SELFISH, just in case you didn't know) and it is cruel.
     I know how hard it is to walk away when you are in love with someone, but sometimes that is what that person is betting on--your love for them--taking advantage of your love and consideration.  I would be lying if I didn't say that it hurts!  From experience I will confess that it can physically hurt to leave the one who you have given your heart to, but it sometimes is necessary.  Sometimes we must close a door so that we will be given a key to open a better one.  Contrary wise I also know what it is like to not be completely giving in a relationship as well.  Of course it was unintentional and in retrospect I had to apologize and pray to God to forgive me for my negligence to others and the subsequent pain that I caused.  But, what I learned from the negligence and ignorance of my youth taught me to balance.  I learned to reflect and take responsibility--learn from my mistakes and the mistakes of those who I loved.  I got to know myself and decide not only who and how I wanted to be in a relationship, but what I would and wouldn't accept from my partner as well.
     Life and especially Love are constant learning experiences.  They grant us the opportunity to get to know ourselves--become better people.  I can't regret any of the relationships of my past.  First, because the past can not be undone and lastly because I wouldn't be who I am without that past.  I have loved and lost and my heart has been broken repeatedly.  But, I hope and believe that the majority of us will eventually learn (some more quickly than others).  And the hope of a healthy, beautiful love isn't unrealistic.  We just have to break our negative cycles and mindsets--learn to love ourselves so that we may be able to love others.  Learning the difference and being strong enough to protect your heart and happiness when someone you love doesn't is the most difficult lesson in this life.  But, it is possible to learn it and not only survive, but thrive as well.  
     I am sorry for the length of this post, my lovelies, but I really felt as though this needed to be said.  I hope that this post, despite its length may help at least one person achieve a happy, healthy relationship.  Until another time, I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
     ~Marissa



 

Let's Talk About Sex!

     If you think this post is about all my "dirty" little bedroom secrets, well slow your roll because it is NOT!  What this post is about is quite simply--communication!  We have blogged about communication in regards to many different facets in a relationship, but this is our first about communicating in regards to sex.  There can be no trust or intimacy (either physical or emotional) in a relationship--in any facet--if there isn't communication.  Well, how often do you remember to communicate with your partner in the bedroom?
    The only way to enhance intimacy between you and your partner is to show that you are open, receptive and trustworthy.  Nine times out of ten you probably get caught up in the emotions and the actions and before you know it--every thing is basically said and done.  Well whether before, after (or depending on how things are, during) you should take time to communicate with your partner.  If there is something that you really enjoy or really dislike, don't hesitate to let your partner know!  Compliment and verbally appreciate the wonderful things they can do and that you do together, too.  If you are feeling adventurous or curious about something talk with them about it--much more than likely your partner will be supportive and open and you two can venture into new territory together.
     Remember intimacy is important on all levels and this little bit of advice may just lead you to a lot of fun!  It may not be easy, if you aren't used to speaking to your partner about your physical intimacy, but we all must start somewhere.  And I am sure the benefits will be worth the initial hesitancy (or embarrassment) that you may initially experience.
     Remember communication is key to build a healthy and happy relationship--even when it comes to physical intimacy.  What can it truly hurt to try?  Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
          ~Marissa  

I Just Need You!

     I believe that God puts people in our lives for a season, reason or a lifetime.  Some of these people become our Rocks---our Safe Havens.  They become our physical refuge in times of trouble and tribulation.  We all have that one person in our life that fulfills this roll.  And when the storms start to build and we begin to feel ourselves being pushed further out into the dark abyss we turn to our Rocks.  But there are times when our Rocks--our Safe Havens--aren't available.  And when that happens it perpetuates the negative emotions, thoughts and atmosphere that we were trying to find solace from to begin with.  It really adds to the feeling of isolation, frustration and sadness quite exponentially. 
     I know when I find myself in such a situation the only thing I truly want to do is throw myself on the floor bawling my eyes out, kicking and screaming (and throwing things) because I feel like, I try to be self reliant, but when I need my Haven--I NEED MY HAVEN!  It is difficult to be the adult that I am when I want nothing more than to be a bratty, baby about it all!  Maybe I should fuss and yell because when I need my Rock no one else will suffice!  I mean I need my Haven to cuddle, comfort and kiss me!  And even though I love Nessie like a sister she just can't fulfill that role--especially not in that way!  Sometimes the soothing balm of your Haven, the comfort of those arms and that voice are the only things needed to help settle the winds and diminish the fury of the storm you are trying to weather through.  It is impossible to be that kind of physical comfort for yourself.  
     Even though your rock may be the catalyst for the substantial rise of an already bleak and devastating storm this may be all (and most surely is) unintentional.  This is why I truly urge people to realize if they are some one's Rock/Haven and what that means.  Even though we are all adults and life happens and we may not always be able to be there for someone in a physical way--be there for them emotionally or make reparations for faltering.  Because, if I am being quite honest, the hurt of being abandoned by your Rock/Haven is a hurt that runs deep within the heart.  It is an ache that is both physical and emotional and it is a hurt that is difficult to mend.  It causes a crack in the foundation of your relationship and shakes the trust and surety that you have spent so much time and energy to construct.
        Don't hesitate to let them know exactly how their absence affected you.  But do not speak out of a place of hurt that would negatively affect your Rock/Haven.  Remember all the times that your Rock/Haven has been there for you.  And also remember that none of us are perfect, but as long as your Rock/Haven does their best and tries with all of their heart to be there for/with you to help you when you need them--that is what is important.
     Well Lovelies, that is all I have for now.  Until another time I wish you Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
          ~Marissa    

Cheaters, Game Players, and Dogs

Really… Just Really… You are so for real with me right now. This is all I can think of when I get foolishness from men. Being single, I come across a multitude of cheaters, game players, and downright dogs. I am here to offer a P.S.A… MEN GROW UP and MAN UP, the foolishness is not cute! We are women, we play your game better (most non- ratchet, worth-while women), and everything you do in the dark comes to light! Hasn’t Tyler Perry made enough movies and plays to show you!

Cheater, come on now! You claim you have a girl that you love and will die for, yet you asked for my number, flirt with me, and want to take me out. And you don’t see any harm in that? We’re just friends right? Wrong BooBoo! You are a cheater! You think your honestly to the new girl about your relationship makes it alright, but it’s not! You are giving time, money, and energy to a woman other than the one you “committed” yourself to. Sooo instead of calling my phone trying to get something started, call your girl, Cuz child I’m not the one! Grow Up!

Game Players, boy you guys work my last nerve! Why do you feel the need to play with women’s emotion? In your case, just be honest with your intentions, this is what Real Men do! You don’t have to make her feel like she is the “one” for you if you just want to sleep with her. Just come out and say it! Trust me, there are plenty of females (especially in ATL) that will give it, no strings attached, right off the back. Playing games are for children, and we have moved past that stage years ago. Be honest whether it hurts or not. Say what you mean, do what you say. And for the love of God, please stop living off these women! It is not attractive at all to have your date /girl to pay for everything. If you are down on your luck, be a man, have some pride and self-respect; go do what you have to do to provide for your woman, instead of spending your day, while she is at work, smoking and playing X-Box. It’s time to grow a pair, and Man Up, leave the games for children.

Dogs, ya’ll are the worst! You let your own insecurities get the better of you, and instead of dealing with them, you lash out in emotional, physical, and verbal abuse. You need to really to take time to address your issues, because you, yes YOU, destroy families! You don’t feel like a man (I get it, I understand), but what gives you the right to release your frustration out on that amazing woman that you were lucky to find! It starts out small, little things; you may call her a name here and there. Then in your eyes she becomes a worthless son of a so-n-so who will isn’t worth loving, until you finally hit her. You sir are the lowest of the low in my option. Get Help, talk to other men (Real Men) to sort out your feelings, pray, whatever you have to resolve your issues. By acting this way you are hurting the one who loves you the most and that is NEVER acceptable. She should be always being treated with your highest respect and love, especially if she has blessed you with a child. Get It Together!

It seems like I’m harping on men (I am), but ladies we too carry fault in this matter. Always remember… He will treat you how you allow him to! Marinate on that one!

Until next time, try to stay far, far away from these men,

Finess

The Love You Deserve

     I believe that we are all familiar with the quote, " We accept the love we think we deserve", but I wonder how many of us have taken pause to scrutinize and understand this saying.  Although it is difficult for me to believe, there are people out there that do not believe this saying to be true, but for those of you who do I ask this--how many times have you accepted love that you thought you deserved, but it ended in dire heart break?  And did you learn anything about yourself from this heartbreak or did you continue to travel the same road repeatedly only to reach the same end result?
     Love is a powerful thing, I have said it a million times and I will continue to say it again and again for it is true.  It is also mutable and varied as well.  It is an entity we can not control and only barely understand.  But, a way to better understand it, to live with and within it (in a fruitful and healthy way) is to understand ourselves.  We all accept the love we think we deserve.  If we think we only deserve bits and pieces of few good things here or there, then that is what we seek for it is comfortable and we understand it.  In doing this we do not help ourselves to grow in love or individually, but we stagnate ourselves instead.  In order to have a healthy, prosperous, love we must not only know ourselves, but heal ourselves.
     We DO set the rules for how others treat us and what we will accept for ourselves in our relationships.  If we allow others to take advantage, manipulate, hurt or abuse us, using the gift of our love against us--we must take time to figure out and understand why we allow and accept this treatment.  Then we must decide whether or not we want something better for ourselves and if we are willing to work towards it or if we will remain as we are.  Not that it is easy to change--to grow--, mind you, for it is not at all.  It will take a lot of time and effort, but at the end of the day will it not be worth it--are we not worth it?  We may, in this process of growth, lose a person whom we love dearly, fiercely and completely, but if the love is one sided--if they do not mark our happiness as being (at the very least) as important as their own (and treat us like it) nor are they on the "same page" as we are--is not the pain of the loss worth it?  Is it not a beautiful thing to learn that the capacity of our love is greater then previously perceived or that we can love with such a completeness that our love is unconditional?  Is learning and experiencing a new level of love and passion--the memory of the beauty of it--something newly discovered about ourselves not treasure enough to take with us as compensation from walking away from one whom we love, but who does not reciprocate?
     Love isn't easy and it isn't enough by itself.  It is a large, beautiful and important part of a whole, but like a clock it needs more than one cog to run properly.  When we give ourselves and our love to someone, we give them a gift that is absolutely priceless and beyond compare--for to give of ourselves is always that greatest and most marked treasure we can bestow upon another, let alone our love.  Love takes work--the work of TWO people--it takes time, energy, effort, desire, and care to reach its purest, highest manifestation of itself.  But without two, working together constantly it can not--will not work.  We all not only need, but deserve a completely equal partner.  One who not only accepts what we offer, but offers the same in return.  One who will treasure, understand, appreciate and reciprocate the boon we give them in giving ourselves.  A partner who will walk beside us as an equal who we never have a question or a doubt about their intentions, desires or heart.

     We deserve the best for we give the best.  We need to remember not to sell ourselves short--to break bad habits and cycles--so that we may have a beautiful, prosperous, relationship blessed with happiness, longevity and love.  We, the tender and brave of hearts; the good natured and optimistic, supportive, patient, kind and understanding, loving, souls--we who love continuously with all the hope in the world thrilling through our veins--we deserve the best.  So, work towards it faithfully, because--like happiness--a good, healthy, relationship is a choice!  Mark my words, remember them, but above all BELIEVE THEM--for I speak them honestly and from my heart!
     Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
          ~Marissa

Gentleman

     In the fabulous words of John Wayne, "You have to be a man before you can be a gentleman" ( I love McClintock).  And since I believe the statement to be true, I must pose a question--where have all the gentlemen gone?  I am not asking for a Medieval knight in shinning armor (although having someone who not only knows how and when to throw on a suit of armor, but is willing to is a phenomenal thing to have), I am asking about a true gentleman.  What happened to guys not just wanting to be guys, but to be men?  When did general manners, consideration and responsibility become words filled with disdain instead of honor?
     I don't desire to go back to the fifties but there are certain attributes that were more common place then, that I wish were common place now!  Having a gentleman who walks with you on the inside of a side walk or street keeping you away from traffic; opens doors (and I mean all, car doors included); pulls out your chair; says 'please' and 'thank you'; notices something nice about you; I mean go study Carey Grant movies if necessary because (and do trust me) we are missing it!  When you really think about it, don't you want to be all of those things? 
     If gentlemen are a dying breed then it is high time for a revival (or even a Renaissance of sorts)!  We need our men back!  And not guys of empty words and broken promises, but men of honor, truth and action.  We need men we can trust, stand beside, give our hearts to, who will be protectors and providers of us and our families.  We need men who want so much more than a nice car, pretty condo and designer labels.  C'mon guys, wake up--grow up--don't you want better for yourselves--for your lives?  These are just questions and y'all have the answers, so I guess we will all have to wait and see.
     I do have hope for our guys--hope they will come to understand and remember what has been forgotten.   Well until another time I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind.  
          ~Marissa     

Karma Within Rebirth

     So, I know that I am rather late to the party, but I finally pushed Cloud Atlas up on my Netflix list and dove into it this weekend.  If I am to be perfectly honest, which I prefer, I have watched it more than once (or twice, or thrice) and it isn't because I couldn't follow or understand it.  (And no, I didn't read any spoilers).  I have watched it multiple times because every time I do I find something new within the lines.  Truly I have enjoyed it (ever so much more than Hunny did) and am dying to get my hands on the book (because we all know that the book is always sooo much better than the movie).
     The very concept of Cloud Atlas should make one stop and think.  I had a serious moment of introspection after watching this movie the first time, which deepened with every viewing since.  I do believe in Karma, most sincerely and with every fiber of my being, I do.  Tom Hanks' characters in this movie (to me) were the epitome of how black karma can effect life--constantly rippling out--until it is (hopefully, after sometime,) negated.  I see people in my every day life who are building up undeniable black karma with their cruelty; hatred; and unjust ways and I can't help to wonder how can they not see--not feel--what they are doing or the consequences of what they have done.  Can they not feel the imbalance they are causing within their environment, let alone themselves?
     What if, in our world, Rebirth was not a question but a fact.  What if we knew that every decision, every choice that we make now would have an effect on our rebirth--on our future lives.  Would we make the same decisions, choices, that we made before?  Or would we strive to be better people and would our efforts be sincere or would they simply be made to better our futures?  It makes one stop and think.  It made me stop and think.   And not just about our choices and Karma, but the people in our lives as well.  Those people who are Kindred Spirits; Soul Mates; and Heart Beloveds.  Those who we meet, know, love and learn from--the same ones who come into our lives that we feel as though we have known forever or have a connection with them that resounds from the deepest parts of our soul.  The people we can't live without; the ones that complete us--make us feel whole; the friendships, family and lovers that seem meant to be and an undeniable part of us that we never knew we needed until we had them in our lives--our hearts. 
     Yes, a lot of introspection was born from this movie and I found that I had to agree with Frobisher and Sonmi, "I do believe there is another world after this, a better world"...and "I see it as a door opening...".  What that world will be like--I can only imagine--exactly when I will reach it, I don't know.  But, I hope to see you there.  Until another time, I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
     ~Marissa     

Lifesavers

     Lifesavers--are not just multi-flavored fruity candies--but they are people who are in our lives to do exactly as the title suggest--save our lives.  Although all of this may sound a tad dramatic, it isn't.  Honestly, don't we all need Lifesavers in our lives?  They are the ones that help us to maintain perspective; keep us from slipping over the edge, and help us to keep our heads above water when we are tired of treading through the waves.  And the best thing about it is that we don't ever have to ask.  Lifesavers jump right in without a second thought--as soon as they see you floundering, slipping, or falling they are right there to help keep you where you need to be.
      I thank God everyday for the Lifesavers that he has brought into my life.  I wouldn't be where I am without them.  In retrospect, when I think about everything that I have experienced in the past three decades, without Lifesavers I would not be the 'Marissa', that I am today.  Although, I am sad for the Lifesavers who were not meant to be around for a lifetime, I have found that no matter how long my Lifesavers are here each one of them has helped me to survive and grow.  And for that I am truly and eternally grateful.
     To every family member, best friend, friend (or what have you) I want to say thank you.  Thank you for the late night conversations, hugs and support; thank you for your kindness, tears and protection; thank you for  your honesty, laughter, and hand holding; thank you for your encouragement, acceptance, thoughtfulness and sacrifices.  Thank you for being there when I needed you.  Thank you for not letting me walk this life alone; thank you for loving me through the hurt, pain, trials, anger and negativity.  Thank you for inspiring and helping me to heal and grow.  Thank you for being who you are, for in doing so you helped me to become who I am.
     I believe everything happens for a reason, that people are in our lives for a reason.  And sometimes we forget to say 'thank you', but life is too short to forget something so necessary and simple.  I wanted to take time to say, 'thank you' to all of my Lifesavers; my kindred spirits; my soul mates; my loves; my friends; my family for you are the people who make up my world and without you I would be a lone island in the midst of the raging sea of life.
     I hope you all take time to tell your Lifesavers thank you and to remember how people have blessed your life.  Until another time I wish you all Love and happiness of the truest kind.
     ~Marissa
         

Passion

     Passion--Beautiful--Seductive--Addictive--Enthralling--Passion.  I have come to know Passion as not just a product of lust or Love, but an entity that can exist quite naturally (and unexpectedly) between two individuals that connect on a level that is more emotional--spiritual--than physical.  And as the connection differs so does the level and kind of Passion that is born from it.  There is the Passion that is sweet, spicy and swift--born from lust and half hearted promises.  Or even the Soft passion which is like a brook or stream.  Cool, smooth, slow, and deliberate.  It can swell to overflow its banks and carves its existence into the earth, patiently--leaving its mark. 
     Then there are the more substantial and devastating Passions.  Like the Passion that Burns with a white hot blaze--everlasting--eternal--inescapable.  It is a passion that consumes reason and is fueled by longing.  It never fades, nor can it die, but eternally burns as bright as the northern star.  There is also the passion that Drowns with warm, enveloping waves--constantly churning--pulling.  It is equivalent to a "beautiful death", enveloping--languid--decadent to a degree.  Yet, one should not count out the passion that is Molten--hot--slow--yet devastating.  It flows deep within the surface, but when it breaks free, it decimates all in its path.  And these passions are just scratching the surface of the different kinds that exist! 
     How much do we underestimate--not comprehend--abuse (romantic) passion?  We refrain; try to control or manipulate it; sometimes deny and run from it as well; but when it catches us in its clutches we truly see how powerless we are in its wake.  Never disregard or underestimate passion.  I encourage everyone to throw themselves into it, even if it is only once.  Let it wash over you, consume and fill you.  Let it entrance, entice and enthrall you.  Let it exist as it is meant to--feel the pureness and greatness of it.  Even if it is only once--do it.  Throw caution to the wind and flow with it.  I guarantee that what you will experience will be more than worth it.
     Think on it--until another time I wish you love and happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa      

Love and Their Breaks

         In my thirty years I have discovered, through trials and tribulations, just how much Love varies.  And as spring fever gives way to summer love, many of the conversations that have been had lately are not only about relationships, but about Love.  Some times I forget that not everyone has had both the curse and the privilege to know the heartbreak of a first Love or how there are many ways and places within us to Love.  I think that many of us either don't know, forget, fear or underestimate Love so much that we never truly get to know or experience it--in its glorious and varying magnitude.
     I learned that I Love not just from my heart, but my soul and very being as well.  Because of this I have earned the misfortune as well as the fortune of experiencing "breaks (as in heart)" and Love in many varying degrees. Of course (as this is my humble opinion in regards to my own experiences) the kind of "break" depends upon the kind of Love it originated from.  (Let's see if I can give you a better explanation--:)  I have had an unrequited Love;  And also a first Love;  I have grown with a young Love; suffered (and learned) from (an unfortunately) devastating Love and tried to fight an uncontrollable Love.  These are my five great Loves (not that I haven't loved other men, but these I have been in love with and they have been an influence within my life and understanding).
     My first Love as well as my young Love--I loved them from my heart.  Different places within my heart, but when way led unto way that is what broke--a part of my heart.   Whereas my unrequited and devastating Loves--those Loves--were experienced with my soul.    After our seasons were finished and when life lead us down different paths it wasn't a part of my heart that broke--no--they each took a part of my soul with them.  (Hence the saying, "Be careful who you love", although if it were possible there would never be a broken heart.)
     Now, my uncontrollable Love--this love was a first for me--It was terrifying, unexpected, consuming and--uncontrollable.  I never knew I could love someone with the entirety of my being (as dramatic as it sounds--I feel what and how I feel--but don't we all).  This love was one that defied explanation for truly there are no words to help any one understand who has never experienced its ilk before.  When it ended the first time (well details are a luxury I shall not afford you) I swore never again.  I wasn't strong enough to withstand it again (this "break" was equivalent to having pieces of my soul taken), yet I obviously couldn't deny it for the rest of my life (we are going to see how this round plays out).
       It isn't as though I planned on how and from where I would love them, it kind of happened (along with the "breaks").  (Can we ever plan on how or who we love, truly?)  And knowing that when we Love another we take a chance with our hearts--souls--very beings--is Love, at the end of the day, not worth the gamble?  Again and again, throughout the years I have gone through "breaks" because for me, Love will ALWAYS be worth the risk.  I am who I am because of my experiences and even though there was hurt, pain, loss and sadness there was also joy, passion, growth, happiness and laughter too.  Life is a balance and Love is a part of that balance (maybe the biggest part).  I will never let the pain or mistakes of my past allow me to miss out on the potentials and possibilities of Love.  I will always choose Love.  And if I lose I will not be a sore (or bitter) loser for then I would be cheating myself.  Instead (as I have learned to do) I will take some time and re-invest in myself--gather my chips--and get back to the tables when I am ready.
     At the end of the day this is my choice--what will be yours?  Will you settle for a life hiding, running, shunning or ignoring the greatest gift, ability and experience given to us--or will you fall, fly, fight for it?  What is a life without Love?  And why let any fear of past or unknown stop you from such a treasure as Love?  Well, I think that this is enough food for thought for one night.  I am sorry for the length, but I had a lot on my mind--and a lot to say.  Until another time I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind.
     ~Marissa