After Shakespeare took himself out of the running I was just going to enjoy my 30th with my girls and embrace the year as I have been doing. What I wasn't expecting was that an ex of mine (from quite a few years ago, like waaay before I met and married my ex husband (there I go showing my age again)) who had been such a great and dear friend (stood by me and supported me through many relationships including my marriage and subsequent divorce) would come back into my life asking for another chance. Now for those of you who know me, and I mean really know me, it is more than common knowledge that I am NOT an advocate for repeat relationships. ( I know I am painting myself to be a hypocrite but I am hoping that my honesty will absolve me of it.) The main reason why is because if it didn't work in the first place why would it work now? Add to that the simple fact that change is hard (it must come from a genuine desire to change) and the pain of the past with that person equals a very difficult situation.
Honestly, for me at least, I find it difficult to revisit or rather restart a relationship with an ex because when I am hurt I put up a wall. When I start a relationship I am completely open, but if it starts to go sour, if I am hurt, than brick by brick a wall goes up. Sometimes it is to minimize the damage, sometimes it is to help me walk away because for the life of me I can't stop loving him and even though all of the sense I own is screaming I should, I just can't. Love is an entity that no one can control and even fewer of us can understand. I don't question love, I feel I have no right. I appreciate and accept it for the rare and Iwondrous gift it is; I would be an even bigger hypocrite if I am always spouting off about the beauty of love and how we should accept it, if I turned away from it because of the fear I have yet to work through.
So after some serious self reflection and consideration--I accepted it, accepted him. I, like any other person, have my reasons which although I adore our readers they will remain mine at least for now. What I will say is that the choice wasn't easy for me. Not because I don't have feelings for him or that he isn't a wonderful person (because he is), but because change is hard and working past my fear of being hurt by him (or any one for that matter) is just as hard. But when the only thing I was afraid of was falling for him all over again I had to ask myself whether he was worth me free falling from the cliff or should I remain a safe distance from the edge. If all I had to fear was the fear of loving and being in love with him even more than before, then how ridiculous (and ungrateful) would I be to give into that fear and walk away? He is "putting up" for sure, with out a doubt stepping up, and proving that he has changed. So (here goes my inner princess)--I jumped--and so far I am very happy I did.
I will admit that there is a change in him that I not only feel (get your mind out of the gutter guys this isn't that kind of post), but see as well. This inspires even more hope in me--in us. Funny, it scares me a little because it is as though we haven't been apart for years. It is like we haven't missed a beat or step at all. Although there is a familiarity to it there is something very new and different to it as well. Hmmmm, well kiddies, I guess we will see. I am looking forward to seeing how things go this time around.
Until another time, lovelies, I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind.
~Marissa
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