Love in all the "Wrong" Places

I use to wonder how people get caught up in a cheating scandal. Like how can you love someone and then go around sleeping and spending time with someone else? How can you bring yourself to do that? Love doesn’t act like that!

It’s not so black and white, like I thought. I now know how one can love someone so much and still betray their commitment. Don’t get me wrong, I am not condondning cheating! Some people out there are just horribly selfish human beings, but for the average every day girl, I understand why she would go off on a love affair.

She cheats to feel something again. It’s to feel like a woman. To fill the void that her love can not or will not fill. We as women try to hold on to a relationship for as long as possible, hoping that either he will change or that our desire will just go away. Unfortunately very rarely does either one of those happen. Men rarely change and our desires just grow stronger with neglect.

So when something shiny and new comes along, we give in to our nature: who we are after you pass all the niceties and makeup. We jump at it; trying to have restraint, but with every No, the Yes grows stronger. I can honestly admit to feeling this way, not feeling like I can fully open up and be myself with my partner. Not because I didn’t want to, because he has shown me that he wasn’t worthy to see all of me yet. He was not making me happy. I would look at him wondering if I should just walk away and never look back. There was something that made question his love, his devotion for me. And so in response, I hid. I slowly pulled back, praying and wishing that things will get better. Hopping that maybe he will try harder, maybe he would try to understand me and work on us. That hunger started to grow, the desire started burning, and I subconsciously start looking elsewhere to satisfy my needs.

I know many of you are thinking that you would never cheat on your mate. I would tell you the same thing. But I can understand and sympathize with those who have. It almost seems impossible to ward off temptation when you have been neglected. Neglect and abuse makes a perfect storm to cheat. One lover is complacent in their status of the relationship, no longer making an effort to really properly love the other. And the other is trying desperately to make things work, knowing that the hunger is building inside of them. I get it, I totally understand.

The moral of this post… Dude life is way to freaking short to hold on to things and people who make you unhappy. All this does is tie up two lives in a knot that gets more and more complicated as time goes on. And once someone either cheats or let goes too late, it is so much harder to unravel the knot. Also love your mate properly. Either get off your ass and give 100% to them or don’t waste each other’s time. I refuse to waste anymore time with half love! If they show you who they are and more importantly, who you are to them, believe them, and love yourself enough to walk away if you have to.

The Differences Between the Sexes

     Do you remember that book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?  I know I am dating myself a bit here, but do you remember just how big a deal it was when it first hit the shelves?  I do, I was a little young, although not that much, and I remember for the longest that was all most adults could talk about.  Honestly, I have never read it--nor am I inclined to, but the whole premise that men and women are from two vastly different planets is rather interesting.  It is also a touch sexist too considering that we created that classification box to decide that when certain sexes display certain emotions, thoughts and ideals that some are only acceptable for either a male or female to have.  But, I am being tangential in my thought process.  The point of my reminding you of that book is to emphasis how right it is--in a way at least--about the emotional differences between most men and women.
     I have had this conversation with my girlfriends multiple times.  Sometimes we wish we could just date each other.  Why? Not to fulfill a lesbian fantasy, sorry to burst your bubbles, but because we understand each other.  There is never a moment I have to worry about them not being loving, supportive and kind.  They are honest, dependable, accepting and fun to be with.  There is never a worry in my heart that I have to walk on thin ice or egg shells with them AND they appreciate all of my quirks and flaws.  They want to and do make time to spend with me.  They are emotionally available and open.  They understand their short comings and strive to better themselves.  They never lie to me or give me empty promises--as the list grows longer I am sure you can see why this is a conversation between us.  We get each other and understand what we need.  It would be as easy as breathing--it would WORK.
     Unfortunately, we don't have a real desire to date each other.  What's worse is there is such a pathetically dire shortage of men who know how to emotionally engage and connect with, that it seems damn near impossible to have a real relationship with them anymore.  Too many like to coast and have shallow relationships.  They don't want to or know how to expel the energy necessary to build an emotional foundation with the person they claim to love/care about.  What they don't seem to understand to this day, no matter how many books are published, is that an emotional connection with their S.O. is the most important thing to maintain.  Because once a woman checks out emotionally because of neglect it just pushes her that much closer to walking out the door.  Like one of my dear besties said earlier this week, "Women put up with a lot of shit, but when they have finally had enough it is really over".  I couldn't have said it better myself.  Most women really do try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and--well you get the point, but when the trying is done and they keep giving and fighting to no avail and they decide it is time to walk then there is no way to save or repair the damage that has been done.  And yet most guys still wonder what happened and where things went wrong.  Well sweet cheeks when you don't nourish and care for the emotional well being of your relationship--you open the door for someone else to step in who will--you open the door for your S.O. to walk out too.  And the only person to blame is YOU!
     In reality Love isn't enough--you can't hang or abuse your relationship on the fact that your S.O. loves you.  You must build trust; grow to understand your S.O.; and nurture your relationship.  If you don't do these things then nothing else matters because the relationship won't succeed.  Every woman has a breaking point.  And if you don't care enough to give her what she deserves and you break her--then she is within her right to leave.  If you don't have the maturity or drive to see that these things are necessary and worthwhile then maybe you should just be man enough to admit you can't handle a relationship and be by yourself.  It is a little tough--but tough love sometimes is very necessary.  Besides a little punch to the throat is good for some people!  Until another time I do wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
     Always,
         Marissa  

Inclinations of Real Love

     Love is a beautiful and empowering thing.  I will always stand by that belief--no--by that knowledge for I know that it is true.  When love is REAL it is a revelation and even at times an entity that encourages rebirth.  No matter what happens in my life or relationships, I have found that his is a constant truth.  It can change people; it should change people.  When you love someone (no matter what kind of love it is i.e. familial, friendly or romantic) it changes your world and even how you see and treat the person you love.  When you truly love someone, purely, and wholly their happiness comes before your own.  For when the person you love is happy, you're happy, the happiness that is given is then shared in an endless circle between the two in the relationship.  (The same goes for unhappiness and sorrow as well.)  In loving someone--the desire to cherish them is innate.  And being just another natural Inclination of real love--and in desiring to fulfill it--you respect and protect them from the world and at times even yourself.  So, where you might have been selfish before you become selfless--when you really love another; when you would only protect yourself you now protect another.  Love brings growth in many different facets.
    And then of course there is the desire to learn and bond that comes with REAL love and care.  The adventure and privilege of getting to know someone with a depth that few others do is both thrilling and a deep desire of those who Love.  I don't believe it is possible to love someone and NOT desire or even truly attempt to know them.  How can you love someone you don't want to or just don't know at all?  When you love someone, in the desire to protect and be a safe harbor for them, knowing the depth at which the person you love hopes, dreams and fears is of utmost importance to you.  In getting to know their depth their world opens up to you.  And that is where and when the bond begins.  Learning their faults and virtues; interests and pet peeves is just as important as learning the intimacy and beauty of their body.  You can not love without learning or bonding--and if you do, then that love is shallow and doomed to fail, if you will forgive my tactless honesty.  Personally there is no desire in my heart to be with anyone in any form who does not desire nor sees the importance in knowing me.
     As you learn and bond with the person you love, your world opens up as well.  If the person you love is very different from yourself you are presented with an opportunity to learn from them--even if it isn't an interest or view point you share or agree with it is a new perspective and opportunity to see and understand things in a way that you haven't necessarily known of before.  It is also an opportunity to make that person happy by sharing in something that they enjoy with them--it also shows them their importance to you as well even if it isn't your thing to do, but you still do so, happily to enjoy something both with and for them.  If the person you love is very similar  to you then you can expand on the common interests you have together and even learn new things together too.  Every moment with the person you love is an opportunity to learn, bond and grow TOGETHER.  These are the opportunities that literally make or break a relationship.  Whether it is learning what makes them laugh; how to comfort them in times of need or distress; or how to play together, these are those (sometimes) little moments that will always mean the most and hold the greatest importance in the success or failure of a relationship.
    Then of course there is the beauty, necessity and joy of intimacy both emotional and physical.  Being a respectful, understanding protector of the one you love you have given them the gift and ability to be open and vulnerable with you.  This is a privilege, honor and a joy that is shared by the two people who are in the relationship together.  To become a person that is loved and trusted so much that another person is happy and comfortable being open with their emotions is a beautiful thing and quite the achievement too.  It is definitely a step in the right direction.  When your love is true, there isn't a need for the person you love to walk on egg shells; they can be exactly who they are and know that they are loved and accepted for being their wonderful self.  No need for masks or to hide behind expectations they know that you love their flaws unconditionally as they are a part of who they are.
     When someone can be emotionally vulnerable and open with you; then they can also share their physical intimacy with you.  But even this is different, even this has a different level.  When their is real love, trust and protection--again--another world opens.  Then the one you love feels safe to express themselves intimately without the fear of being judged, rejected or misunderstood.  When you create that openness and safety, then it is possible to take your time to explore and learn their body, there is so much joy in knowing someone intimately who can express and explore without inhibitions to hinder them.  An inclination of Real Love is to know the one you love in totality and not squander those opportunities by rushing, but by cherishing them.  And not just because of my own natural temperament, but because I honestly know the often skirted and overlooked importance of emotional and physical intimacy in a relationship do I encourage you to learn the one you love in TOTALITY.  What kiss quickens the breathe; what touch encourages a sigh; what bite births a groan; what nibble makes them weak in their knees.  Learn the feel of their skin; the arch of their neck; the dip of their shoulder and curve of their hip.  Again when you love someone their satisfaction comes before your own (just like their happiness) and is shared back again with you.  As I said before when you Really Love, you change, your desires and priorities change and not because you are told or badgered into it, but because you have  a NATURAL INCLINATION to be the person the one you love deserves.
     The inclinations of Real Love are what relationships are made of; if they do not exist how can the relationship exist?  Of course not everyone is able to love, really, in totality.  Some people realize this and still quite selfishly engage in relationships before they are truly capable of being an equal lover and partner in the relationship.  Unfortunately some do not realize it, even though none of their relationships ever reach a respectable longevity or even success--they blame everyone and everything before looking inward.  But then self realization and growth is difficult for the majority of people in this world.  To those who are not yet on this level, if love is truly what you want--the deep, long lasting love--I encourage you to strive and struggle to grow in order to experience and give it.  For those of you who are there--find someone who can match what you offer.  Believe me, it is a living hell loving someone who isn't on that level with you.  To everyone, I do wish you all Love and Happiness of the Truest kind!

~Always
Marissa           
               

The Dangers of Neglect

     Neglect has many forms but each are equally as dangerous as the other.  No matter what kind Of  relationship (romantic, friendly or familial) it presents itself in, it is truly dangerous and detrimental.  Neglect is like a gateway or a door opener for relationships.  It is a major source of deterioration in the love and trust of a relationship. And it spreads like wildfire. 
     The most interesting thing about it is that many times the Neglector doesn't realize that they are being neglectful.  And quite honestly I believe the people who are oblivious to the neglect they inflict are the absolute worst.  But in this case I would like to remind you all that perception is reality.  You see the person who is neglecting the other many times may believe their actions are anything but neglectful when in reality they are.  But since they are not on the receiving end of their actions and inflictions they believe  themselves as being virtually blameless as to the negative affect they have on others.  Where as the person being neglected knows this not to be true because of the effect the other person's actions has on them.  I believe that the results of actions, words and thoughts are the true reality that exists.  I will simultaneously recommend you all to be aware individuals and not just self aware--no--be relationship aware.  Be aware of the people you are in relationships with and your effect on them.  Learn to be self less enough to learn about them; learn how to read them and realize your effect on them.  This should be done regardless if you truly love and care for someone.  
      You see Neglect as I said before opens the door for other things and some cases people to come into the relationship.  It also opens the door for people to leave.  We are, after all, only human.  There is only so much harmful, hurtful,  neglect someone can endure before they are driven out of a relationship either emotionally, physically or both.  And no one should be expected to endure such harmful atrocities  either.  Neglect, such a dangerous creature, whose harm is barely repairable if at all.  I marvel when someone swears they love another but their neglect is so blatant that it is palpable.  Like I said, it is dangerous, and knowing what it feels like and others who do and have endured it, I can see how people are tempted to stray, betray or disappear from the relationships they are in.  Neglect puts people in to such sad states that at the first genuine opportunity for happiness they become eager, hungry for it and so will do anything to achieve it after they have been treated so badly for so long. 
    So my plea to you all is to be relationship aware especially if you care and/ or love someone.   Don't just care and love them with empty words and promises that hold no meaning.  Strive to be emotionally responsible and aware of your affect on others.  Until another time, I wish you love and happiness of the truest kind.

Marissa 

The Fading Light

     Finess and I have been gone awhile!  But, there has been a lot happening in our lives.  I have missed blogging, quite a bit (I'm sure I have written this before) actually.  And yet, I find myself struggling to finish a single one that I have started.  At first I thought it was because I was out of practice, but then I realized I wasn't being honest with myself.  I am not out of practice at all, but rather emotionally bogged down.  I am overwhelmed with so many emotions, about a couple of things in my life right now, that I feel all of them to the point of becoming numb.  I didn't even know that was possible, but I seem to continue to learn something new about myself every day.
     Honestly, I wish I could turn it off--what I feel--it would be so much easier; it would be much less like living and more existing, but easier none the less.  In truth I feel like most of my life is exactly where and what I desire it to be.  I absolutely love my friends.  They are magnificent, wonderful and phenomenal.  I trust, depend on, and love them all so completely.  They enrich my life and I can't imagine being without them!  I have moved from a necessary job to the career I wanted with the organization I wanted!  And quite surprisingly my (blood) family (collectively at least the majority of us) are starting to come together a little more than we have been in the past few years.  But there are just a few relationships in my life that have started to negatively affect my happy.
     Sometimes I think that I am being selfish from wanting to be happy across the board--in every way possible--instead of just being contented.  But then I think that is the most ridiculous of all my thoughts.  Should I not be happy--completely happy--shouldn't we all?  Then more ridiculous ideas follow suite.  Sometimes I think I committed a great sin in one of my previous lives and I am still paying for it in this one--that is why I am not allowed to be completely happy.  (I have told Finess this and she thinks it is beyond uber ridiculous.)  And yet, considering the darkness that I have survived in my life--the trials and tribulations--I think even if that were true that I would have repaid my karma-debt by now.  Then (as if you didn't know that word was coming again) I start to think of things from another perspective.  I was told to never let anyone or anything affect my 'happy'.  And yet I am--shamefully so.  Contrary wise, when there are people close to you in your life do they not have an affect on it whether you wish them to or not?  Is that not the gamble we take when we form bonds, connections and relationships with people--no matter what kind they are?
   I mean relationships are hard.  Especially in this day and age it seems they are exceptionally difficult.  Many people are jaded, wounded, fearful, dissatisfied and hopeless about their desired or current relationships (no matter the kind of relationship it is).    And if the relationship is emotionally uneven because one individual suffers from any or multiple previously mentioned emotions it negatively effects the other.  So not just one person is miserable because of their past or fear of their future, but so is the person they are in the relationship with who they either subconsciously or consciously (deliberately or accidentally) inflict their misery upon.  And in their emotional vulnerability and selfishness they can not see the damage they are dealing (or either do not care the pain, hurt and destruction they cause) to those they SAY they love and/or care about.  The relationship which was once shinning with promise and filled with hope has earned an unbecoming patina and is slowly emptying of all the goodness that was once in it.  And it is that reality--that undeniable and horrific truth of relationships that is standing in my way of my absolute happiness.
     The emotions that have been born from this horror plaque me--disappointment, sadness, anger, frustration, fatigue, confusion--they are overwhelming me.  When I try and try and try and TRY and TRY and TRY AND TRY to no avail--when I give my best, but it doesn't matter--when I am torn and the voice of the Almighty evades me in the most fervent of my prayers; what is left for me to do?  Where can guidance be found?  I reflect and I break it down, again and again like slow, willing, painful torture.  I think and re-think; evaluate and deconstruct and yet, answers evade me.  And in such an overly vulnerable state the emotions take hold and I can not shake them and at the worst of times I can not contain them.  And the shame that flitted along the surface of my emotional storm deepen.  And the anger, disappointment, frustration and confusion seamlessly snake their spindly fingers, entwining with the shame and joining its direction into the very pit of my heart; the opinion and understanding of myself waivers muddying the water of my, once quite clear, eternal being.  It feeds my self-shame and my self shame feeds the rest of the pain mongering emotions that have taken hold.
     It has become an endless, ruthless, painful cycle that has spun out of control; as if I ever had control of it in the first place.  All of that possibly although seemingly impossible controllable emotions are causing me to doubt the surety I once had of myself and my womanhood.  My self esteem is taking a beating and I don't know if it can keep on ticking.  Essentially and most simply, with everything that I have and continue to endure with no signs of improvement have started to make my light fade.  As I am sure you can see, in this chosen moment of quite necessary, frightening, vulnerable honesty.  Funny enough this is not what I thought to blog about today.  This kind of happened.  So, obviously I will publish it--even thought its simple existence frightens me.  Even if it hasn't been terribly therapeutic, maybe it may help someone else.  And that is the purpose of our blog.  To share our honest stories and opinions in the hopes of showing others that they are not alone and to help them too.  So, here it is--or more exact, here I am.  Vulnerable, open, doubting--essentially, painfully, human.  EEEKKKK!  So, I'm just going to hit 'Publish' before my nerves get the better of me.
     Until another time, even if I haven't achieved it yet,  I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!

Always,
Marissa 

Opening Doors

Relationships are precarious and beautiful things no matter what kind they are.  Some are meant to last forever while others, for only a moment within life.  Maybe that is what makes them so beautiful.   Even relationships that are never fully realized or fulfilled hold a majesty of their own, though there existence may have resulted in pain or loss it did at one point inspire love and happiness.  Most relationships,  I believe,  retain their beauty no matter the outcome.  Even so,  no matter how long a relationship is destined to exist it should always be maintained until it has run its course.
     Isn't it interesting how relationships can start from nothing?   A chance meeting, s new job, even simply exploring or doing something new can lead you into a new one.  All it takes  is one person opening the door for another.   Although it takes two to make it work, ironically it can only take one to make it end.  Basically relationships, "...open at the close".  Sometimes it is intentional,  someone either physically or emotionally pushing you out of the door of their life, one that was once open for you, a welcoming entrance.  But other times it is subtle,  maybe unintentional even, but that doesn't make it any easier to take.  
   In truth I believe the subtle "shoves" are the worse.   It starts with the decline of consideration,  empty words, broken promises,  procrastination--these all lead to the decline of trust and a quickly evaporating desire to remain within the relationship.   Of course things, if left in such a state as this, begin to deteriorate rather quickly for the lack of trust is a consuming poison that murders affection,  passion,  desire and intimacy.  By the time one or both parties realize it,  there is nothing left to salvage.  Such a sad and devastating realization can be rather traumatizing. 
     You see we chose how we navigate the course of our relationships with every word,  action and decision.   We must be careful and mindful for once  poor choices are made the course into the storm becomes virtually inevitable.   And once in it,  it is very difficult to navigate out as much so as it is to repair the damage that is done.  That is why we must not say we love and cherish someone if we do not bestow on them every regard that those words entail .  We must always remember that words are powerful and should not be used carelessly and the same is true for actions.  That is why we must always endeavor to do and be our best, no matter what,   for those we have relationships with.
     When these undeniable truths are forgotten, disregarded or overlooked that is when the door opens,  that is when the opportunity is presented for the person that once held an open invitation is inadvertently encouraged to leave or someone else is encouraged to come in and steal them away.  Always remember not to take them for granted for once that door is open you may lose one of the best and most important people in your life.   Until another time I wish you love and happiness of the trust kind.
     ~Marissa

New Addition

     So--I have a list of fictional men that I believe all men should learn from.  It may seem silly but hey I didn't ask you.  Truth be told I think a lot of men would be better off if they chose even two of these men to emulate, but hey that's just my opinion.  I have yet to meet any guy who would undertake such an endeavor.  Anyway, the point I'd me confessing this is to say that I have officially added a new addition to my list.  This, my dear readers, is a very rare occurrence!  I didn't think I would be adding anyone to the list for at least a decade, so imagine my surprise when I finally stumbled across someone worth adding!  Now, without further adieu *insert drum roll here, please* the new addition is LOGAN from "The Lucky One"!
     Now, I'm not adding Logan because of Zack Effron's (sexy and delicious) portrayal of the character, (even though it may be hard to believe) I am adding Logan because of his character attributes.  Logan is honest--really truly honest, sincere, vulnerable, patient, even tempered, selfless, polite, thoughtful (without even being asked to be), observant, calm, level headed and strong.  But he doesn't misuse his strength--he uses it to protect others and at times he uses his strength of presence (and not even his physical strength) to do it.  He doesn't mind hard work, can handle difficult situations with ease and proves to be reliable and brave to boot.  And those are just his general attributes!

     Logan isn't just a very well rounded man on a personal level but on a romantic level as well.  Even though his past is dark and he  is a little broken by it, he didn't run from it.  He understands, takes responsibility for and embraces his experiences and feelings instead of running from them.  He doesn't allow his past to negatively dictate how he approaches/handles his life or relationships.  This enables him to be ready, emotionally available and a steady man.  I absolutely love how he talks to and treats Beth (aka: the very lucky love interest).  He is gentle, understanding and passionate.  He doesn't ever lose his temper with her and is always thoughtful with his words and actions ( I.e. the way he closed the screen door to allow her a safe space while he told her the truth of why he came to Harden).  He supported and protected her without hesitation or needing to be asked.  He cared for Beth and her family, with honor and reverence, all of which made his character insanely attractive and desirable (even more so than his love scenes).  The way he held her, when she needed comfort, touched her when things were "heating up" was an added bonus!
     Nicholas Sparks developed the quintessential, long sought after "perfect" man in this character.  I hesitate to use the word perfect because perfection is impossible to achieve.  And although Logan was wonderful he wasn't perfect.  His ptsd was difficult for him and sometimes his reserve of character could translate over as being ambivalent or even cold, but Logan, this character, is what most women (and I as well) want.  Hence the term perfect, which I do use loosely.  Logan was a good man.  And  that is something that is achievable--something to aspire to be.  His maturity and goodness are what most men are missing.  Too long has the importance of character-gentleness, honesty, reliability, bravery, responsibility, etc. have been over looked and under valued!  That is why chivalry is thought to be dead!  Even though the hopeless romantic in me usually has to fight the jaded-world practical side of me, this character brought both of my warring factions together. 
     So, I hope you will join me in welcoming Logan to The List. And if you haven't pick up the movie--you can thank me for that later!  Until another time I wish you Love and Happiness of the truest kind.

*FOR REFERENCE* The List (in no particular order):  Mr. Darcy ("Pride and Prejudice"), Strider aka: Aragorn (Lord of the Rings), (practically any character and/or a few real life attributes of)--Fred Astaire--Gene Kelly--Carey Grant--Patrick Stewart, Logan ("The Lucky One"), Rick("The Mummy"), Harry Potter(I swear it isn't only because I'm a Potterhead), Rhett Butler ("Gone with the Wind") and Colonel Brandon ("Sense and Sensibility")

Man-Giene

     Okay guys it has been awhile since we tip toed through the tulips together.  I apologize for the neglect and I promise I didnt forget about you--not even for a moment.  So, to prove it I wanted to post a little something for you that I have been sitting on for awhile!  And as you can tell from the title it is all about you and your man-giene! 
     You read that correctly, man-giene, is what the more fashionable men of our world subscribe themselves to every day of their lives.  It is an all encompassing way of life and not an annoying hygienic afterthought and this is what sets them apart!  To you gentlemen, on behalf of the women of the world, I thank you!  Thank you for understanding that the extra thirty minutes you take is not only beneficial and wonderful, but it is also a sign that you take care, thought and pride in to how you present yourself to the world.
     I can't tell you how many uncontrollable and natural head turns have been awarded to these gentlemen because (we can actually tell) you took time to make sure that you were ready to leave your house; say to the world "here I am" and meet it with your best foot forward!  We can see that you moisturize your body, coiff your hair, wear deodorant, brush your teeth and perfectly apply your cologne.  You steam out your pocket squares and ties (which you can tie in Windsor and trinity knots), polish your shoes, trim your facial hair (I love full/Van Dyke beards and handlebar mustaches), and wear tailored suits.  Even on your causal days your outfits are event appropriate, and you coordinate not only your colors but your patterns, perfectly.
     We salute you for being men of both hygienic and fashionable distinction and discernment!  You are all too few and far between.  We appreciate you taking the extra step instead of being like Joe Blow down the street who considers it good to shower twice a week, looks like he rolled in an ash bin, and wears his pants under his butt cheeks!  Thank you for understanding that a man who cares for himself commands respect and consideration on a level that far surpasses those who do not.  Thank you for giving us a reminder and an opportunity to admire the gentlemen you are for it is truly refreshing to our senses. 
    Although this little post has its fair share of humorous quips, I am most sincere in my appreciation as I am sure all women are!  Please continue the "good fight", continue to show this world that there are gentlemen like you left, for we most desperately need it.  Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!

Expectations

     When we are little we expect the best--unwittingly, unknowingly, we do.  We expect to be loved, protected, cherished and taken care of.  We expect people to be kind and trustworthy, too.  We are literally born into this world untainted, pure and expectant.  When I think about it, I find it beautiful and even a little sad.
     Depending on your life that crystalline bubble will be broken, for most, sooner rather than later.  Disappointment, doubt, fear and even betrayal soon become reality and the first bitter sweet taste of living rips the proverbial ambrosia from young lips forever changing your world.  Funny, I can remember when my world changed, I was only eight years old.  To this day I remember crying for weeks as the icey coldness of my new reality continued to sting my very soul.  At eight years old, my bubble was broken.  Ironically at nineteen it was completely shattered.  At nineteen my expectations, tinged with reality and a new self awareness, started to change as well.  My expectations became--mine. 
     Let me explain:  My initially broken expectations were that of the world I inhabited.  At a young age I learned that people are people and that parents are people, too.  Doomed to ere and fault.  They can be selfish, neglectful, cruel and ambivalent.  The world was filled with selfish people who didn't care how they made you feel and you had to protect yourself--love yourself.  Instead of expecting the world to be candyland-esque with cotton candy clouds and bubble gum air, I knew that the only thing I should expect was for people to be who they are.  Even in knowing this a small part of me still held expectations of others that I shouldn't have. 
     Well at nineteen I started to have expectations of myself instead, because I finally realized the only person I should expect anything from is myself.  I don't have control or influence over others in this world.  If someone desired to treat me badly, they were going to because that is what they wanted to do.  It didn't matter what I said to them, or if they saw how much it hurt me, they acted how they felt.  My expecting then to be kind or thoughtful wouldn't change how they acted.  It was a complete and utter waste of time and energy to cry over broken expectations and hopes of others.  But I could have high expectations for myself.  You see at the end of the day that is the only person I could have influence and control over--me!
     I started to expect myself not to follow the majority of this existence, but to be better--be true to who I am.  I wanted to experience life, not to wall myself away and shut it out; learn as much as I could and understand as well as I could so that I could connect with myself in this life instead of drifting.  From my self-pectations was born a new determination--and with it came my voice.  Because of my expectations I was determined to live well, build a life of happiness and joy--this gave purpose to my life, a reason to fight--for myself and my future! 
     Even though it wasn't easy to take a stand, most especially with certain family members, I did because at the end of my life as I stand before God I will have to answer for my choices (just me) and I would still have to answer to myself for my regrets!  I'm not perfect and I have and still do fall short, but one thing I don't do is give in.  I have been standing strong for many years now and that isn't going to change--ever!  My life, my expectations and determination, are my own.  I refuse to let anyone try to live it for me or deter me because I have found that the greatest and best expectations I could ever fulfill are the ones I have for myself.
     Until another time I wish you Love and Happiness of the truest kind!

Bravery

     When you hear the word bravery what comes to mind--Fire fighters, cops, military men and women, viking warriors?  How about the person sitting next to you?  Sometimes bravery can be as simple as getting out if bed to face another day.  Other times it is as difficult as standing your ground with someone you love.  Maybe it is being honest with yourself or even starting over to chase your dreams!
     Bravery comes in many different variations.  War zones, burning buildings and shoot outs aren't necessary to inspire bravery in someone, sometimes the every day living of life is enough.  And to those brave souls who wake up in the morning to face another day; find their voice to defend themselves; face their truths; and continue to fight on, I commend you!  I am proud of you, for through the heart ache, barricades, quagmires and darkness of this life you have decided to face it, boldy--directly!  For bravery is not the absence of fear, but the embracing of courage in the midst of it. 
     Even when you stumble or doubt--Infallible human that you are--pride still pours from my heart for you.  Dust yourself off, raise yourself up, hold your head high and continue on, brave ones!  Do not discourage or degrade yourself the world plaques you enough in this way, there is no need to add to it!  Gird your spirits with positivity, faith and hope--fill your heart with unconditional love and honesty.  Continue to build the life you want; live well and concisely and always give your best no matter what! 
     Constant and brave warriors of life fight on!  Let your heart be your champion, your conscience your guide and never extinguish the light of your spirit.  You get but one life to live-a few short years upon this earth- do not waste them! Be brave, always chase your happiness and strive to live well!  Do these things for your sake, so that you may reward the bravery you have chosen to show; for bravery like happiness is a choice!
     Until another time I wish you Love and Happiness of the truest kind!

The Struggle

(Written in a more free flowering, spoken word, format.  Hence the lack or over exaggeration of punctuation at certain points.  But I write as I am inspired.)

     As I stand here looking over the edge of my mental precipice I feel the very tip of my toes try to balance, hang on for dear life as the force of living pushes me closer and closer and the abyss looms darker and darker--the inevitable panic rears its ugly head and my once trusting heart is being battered again and again by the doubts and fears of all that is impending and I am feeling myself come-- undone. 
    I try to scream but no sound comes out, my vocal chords are boxed into a jail of decency.  And all that I am feeling-feeling-feeling-feeling is trapped within and the momentum behind the force of it all is doubling--and I lose my footing.  Worry upon worry assaults my tattered heart quickly filling it with doubts I thought had been long banished.  They pile upon each other, quickly souring and I turn my nose up in disgust--of myself.  How can I lessen the suffering of my family;  How can I help her when her body is turning against her; Can I fake it till I make it;  Will this paycheck be enough;  got moves I'm trying to make-will I succeed or fall flat on my face?  We are taking this next step, but I'm scared and stressed as I start having nightmares like I've got post traumatic stress--my heart a casualty of divorce and the scars it has left.  The constant conflict of feeling ready, being ready, battling the fear of repeating mistakes and the fear that it will all go the same way!  With all the changes taking place--the lack of knowing, growing-- while I'm trying to regain some sense of self in all the developing I am doing--what of my friends?  The more that pours in the less can be squeezed out and I already feel like I'm suffocating under all this doubt!  I've got nothing left--not for them-not even for my love, let alone myself.  This self inflicted tempest that's raging on inside of my being has me off balanced--and suffering!
     And complicating all of this is Time who makes me its bitch and there is never enough of it--my family, love, friends and even myself pay the price for it.  I feel like the last bit of butter in the tub, being spread through a whole loaf of honey wheat and I have no control over the searing, hot, knife busying itself against my fallible and delicate-softness trying to scrape more out of me than I've got to give.  All the while a silent plea falls from my eyes and unto still silent lips--growth-change-progress--the chasing of happiness--is a battle, but I have turned it into a battle against myself.  I have forgotten my mantra-my shield- of, "If it is meant to be, it will be." And I have allowed the worldly arrows of fear and doubt to pierce me--contaminate me--and sick I feel myself faltering--. 
     But amidst this tempest is my infallible core--and from my soul comes a piercing shriek through the howling winds of my tempest, "I WILL GO ON"!  Perseverance runs hot through my veins and I am ravenous.  I WILL NOT BE DETERRED!  Though I may stumble or fall I will always struggle on.  By sheer will and the drive of my God given soul, I WILL struggle on through this tempest--I shall weather this storm until I have no breath left, I will struggle on. 

We don't Try, We Do

We don’t try, we do...

As a child, my father would said this to me. At first it seemed like a cruel thing to say to a 10 year old trying her damnest; but as I have gotten older, those words still come to mind. My father was not perfect, like no one’s was, but he has been one of my greatest influences in my life. I find myself at 25 still quoting the many sayings he would throw at me. I love you Daddy, and thank you. If it wasn’t for you constantly pushing me, I would have not realize that I can do far more than I imagined. I can be anything of my choosing!

Ok, so back to the saying… We don’t try, We do. This very simple phrase is not meant to discourage any effort that has already been given; it challenges you to do more, to be more! I have to admit that the biggest frustration of my life is to see loved ones, just “try” and then defend the mediocre effort they have given. “Well at least I’m trying”, really gets under my skin. And honestly, I include myself in this equation. I cannot tell you how many years I have “tried” to lose this weight! I would think if I just work out a little bit, then the weight would just fall off. Eventually I would dropdown in size, and everything would be all gravy. But it’s not! I was trying, not doing. I was feeding myself false hope that I would get a big payoff out a little bit of effort. But hey, at least I was trying, right?

Life doesn’t work like that! We can’t continue to do the same things and expect different results. That is the definition of INSANITY! We have to stop kidding ourselves, take off the rose-colored glasses, and face our problems. We all possess the power to shape our world around us, it’s just whether we dare to want to be better than yesterday, and actually do something about it.

We are at the age where life starts judging us for our past mistakes and ask… “Well what are you going to do now?” “Are you going to continue to eat crap?” “Are you still going to sit around smoking all day?” “So are you going to continue to still waste time in unhealthy relationships?” “Are you going to continue to let the things you desire now distract you from the things you need to grow you?” “Can your children and family say they are proud of you?” “Are you still just trying to survive and not thrive?”

Are you still going to stand behind whatever excuse you have because it’s comfortable?

We are the movers and shakers of our generation, and the time for us to take over is coming soon. It seems like half of us have our shit in order, we get it! But the other half is lost, driven by the false sense of just “trying”. As we age, and continue to face real life situations, which side are going to choose? Being a person who “tries”, but never succeeding in their endeavors? Or a person who does, gets it, and prospers in their endeavors, because they have the strength and courage to live the life that they dream? Funny how a simple question of do or try can shape your entire life!

Much love, and well wishes

Finess
“I will never give up, I will never settle, for I dare to dream”

Soul Mates

     We are all spiders in this life.  Building connections with others until we have a web connecting us to those we love, like, admire and even hate.  Connections sometimes take time, but the ones that are the most magical happen before we take our first breath.  They are instantaneous, predestined, before we even meet and when we do--BAM--the kindred souls connect; falling together like missing pieces of the same puzzle.  Sometimes these connections are to friends who you know beyond a shadow of a doubt were members of your family in a former life.  Others are your romantic halves--promising love either missed or deprived from lives before.  But no matter what space they fill in your life or heart they are your soul mates.
     I think there is a serious misconception in this world that there is only one soul mate, just one person that completes you.  Maybe for some this is true to a degree, but even then I would challenge them in asking this--who declared that soul mates can only be of a romantic nature?  I know, from my experiences, that I have had many soul mates.  Some have been long lost sisters and brothers, people whom I love and trust as family almost instantaneously (which is out of character for me) because it was the most natural feeling and desire in my heart--a reaction as innate as breathing for me.  And a deep feeling of knowing them beyond this life envelopes me with a warmth, comfort, almost like coming home.  It is surreal and unlike anything I have ever known before.  They are my soul mates.  Our connection and love for each other, even though familial, is still that of a soul mate.
     And of course I have had soul mates in love and romance that have touched my heart in places I never knew existed.  I loved them beyond reason and explanation.  Even if it didn't last or our roads diverged--I love them.  But never have I loved any of them the same.  I love them from the place in my heart and soul they captured and for all of time--just like the kindred brothers and sisters of my soul--that love will remain.  It isn't that they all ended well or lasted long; nor did I love them to the same depth or degree, but the connection was natural and(again) an instantaneous feeling off having known each other long before our paths crossed.  It was real and genuine and that is an incomparable magic all on its own. 
     I can understand if this may confuse some people or that they may think it impossible to connect with different people in such a way, but I believe that they forget that LOVE is infinite.  It is limited only by ourselves.  Soul Connections can be one of the most beautiful and rewarding things in this life.  Neither are meant to always make sense, but they are meant to be appreciated and experienced to the fullest.    Maybe this idea is too "open" for some, but as always I speak from the truth from my heart. Until another time I wish you all LOVE and Happiness of the truest kind.

     --Marissa

Broken

     As of late--I have had a lot on my heart and mind.  For the past month there has been so much weighing heavy upon my very soul and for a long time I couldn't understand why.  That is when I had to take a step back.  I needed to breathe and move out of the fog that had started to fill my life.  I needed to reevaluate and reconnect with myself for I had lost myself along the way.  And as I crossed the barrier of doubt and uncertainty--certain things have become very clear. 
     We are broken.  Not all of us, but most of us.  And that isn't necessarily a bad thing in some cases.  Consider how a diamond is born--through fire and pressure and darkness.  Think of how it is carved from the earth and processed by artisan hands shaping and refining it into a gem worthy of wear and repute--into one of the hardest and strongest gems in existence.  Think of just how long it takes to get one practically perfect diamond?  You see we ARE very much like diamonds.  Some of us are still in the rough and others slowly (if not already) being refined.  And yet, unlike diamonds we have a choice. 
     It is funny that when it comes to brokenness it differs very much between men and women.  I know, unfortunately, so many women who have been broken.  Some by family--others by "friends"--most by men they have loved and a few of the most ill-fated, by all three.  The thing about it is that the majority of them, despite their "brokenness" and dark histories, like Phoenixes have risen from the ash and burn more brightly then ever before.  They have learned the hard truth that we are our own worst enemies and that Love is NOT enough.  And yet, they are determined to not let the pains, sorrows, and experiences of the past deter them from being Good women and having a brilliant and joyous future.
     And yet, the men that I know who are broken as well--do not fair the same.  Many of them seem to be unable to process their pain or leave their past behind them.  Instead of learning from the mistakes of others and the negative effect they have experienced because of them--they continue the cycle.  They hurt those they claim to love without hesitation and to add insult to injury they don't truly apologize nor do they try to become better;  instead they use the excuse of their past as the reason why they "don't know better" or "can't help it".  It is discouraging, disgusting, frustrating, maddening, saddening and laughable all at once.  It makes me beg the question:  How can you be sincere in your love or affection; in your promises to protect and support others when you can not even give yourself those things?
     I just want to scream and shake them and MAKE them realize that they are killing the fire of their souls and destroying those that love them the most in the process.  Because they do not wish to take a step and a stand; because they are in love with the negativity and pain they have become so familiar with--protect themselves with--they are perpetuating brokenness and pain in a way that is dishonorable and deplorable.  We are here on this earth to HELP each other and LOVE each other, not to inflict pain--not to destroy hope--not to smother love.  And yet, because they lack the courage to face their pasts they will never understand how dangerous they are to themselves AND others. 
     I say it all the time, but it is a truth I have come to know and to know it well.  For I, like many, have a past littered with pain and darkness and sorrow and sadness and yet, I do not turn away from the light of the sun.  I do not look behind me for I know my future is ahead.  I REFUSE to cause or inflict on others that which I have experienced myself.  And after many years of struggle and doubt and questioning.  I found my voice, my purpose, my meaning.  I know Who I Am and What I Want and I will stand for myself because I know that if I can not stand for myself--protect myself--how can I do the same for those I love?  And because of what I have gone through I know for a fact that Happiness comes from inside of us.  It is a choice!  It isn't an easy one, but it is the RIGHT one.  I want a happy life full of beautiful memories and wonderful people.  I want to experience the gift of living and existing in this world!  I want to LOVE wholly and completely someone who can and will give me what I offer in return 100%; someone who GETS IT and UNDERSTANDS; someone who is on the same page as me!  I will NEVER let my painful past determine my future.  I will NEVER let it make me forget who I am or what I have learned or deter me on my journey.  I will NEVER use it as an excuse because it would be a great disservice to myself and a betrayal to the woman I am determined to be.

     Every thing in life is a CHOICE.  Either you will be brave enough to make the hard choices so that you will be able to live better lives and be better people or you won't.  There is nothing wrong with being broken--a lot of wonderful people wouldn't be who they are without a trial by fire.  But, it is wrong if all you do is hold on to the broken pieces and use them as a reason as to why your life will never be full.  Like I said before--I am a broken woman, but I am also one of the Phoenixes that have risen from the fire and ash.  So, I ask you (if you are broken) to consider who you are and who you want to be.  Will you make the choice to take that difficult journey into healing and happiness or will you always find a reason to stay where and how you are--faking happiness when you truly don't even love yourself (and if you don't love yourself how the hell can you love anyone else)?



     I know, my Lovelies, this isn't a usual post, but I had to write what was on my heart.  I truly do wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
     ~Marissa