Expectations

     When we are little we expect the best--unwittingly, unknowingly, we do.  We expect to be loved, protected, cherished and taken care of.  We expect people to be kind and trustworthy, too.  We are literally born into this world untainted, pure and expectant.  When I think about it, I find it beautiful and even a little sad.
     Depending on your life that crystalline bubble will be broken, for most, sooner rather than later.  Disappointment, doubt, fear and even betrayal soon become reality and the first bitter sweet taste of living rips the proverbial ambrosia from young lips forever changing your world.  Funny, I can remember when my world changed, I was only eight years old.  To this day I remember crying for weeks as the icey coldness of my new reality continued to sting my very soul.  At eight years old, my bubble was broken.  Ironically at nineteen it was completely shattered.  At nineteen my expectations, tinged with reality and a new self awareness, started to change as well.  My expectations became--mine. 
     Let me explain:  My initially broken expectations were that of the world I inhabited.  At a young age I learned that people are people and that parents are people, too.  Doomed to ere and fault.  They can be selfish, neglectful, cruel and ambivalent.  The world was filled with selfish people who didn't care how they made you feel and you had to protect yourself--love yourself.  Instead of expecting the world to be candyland-esque with cotton candy clouds and bubble gum air, I knew that the only thing I should expect was for people to be who they are.  Even in knowing this a small part of me still held expectations of others that I shouldn't have. 
     Well at nineteen I started to have expectations of myself instead, because I finally realized the only person I should expect anything from is myself.  I don't have control or influence over others in this world.  If someone desired to treat me badly, they were going to because that is what they wanted to do.  It didn't matter what I said to them, or if they saw how much it hurt me, they acted how they felt.  My expecting then to be kind or thoughtful wouldn't change how they acted.  It was a complete and utter waste of time and energy to cry over broken expectations and hopes of others.  But I could have high expectations for myself.  You see at the end of the day that is the only person I could have influence and control over--me!
     I started to expect myself not to follow the majority of this existence, but to be better--be true to who I am.  I wanted to experience life, not to wall myself away and shut it out; learn as much as I could and understand as well as I could so that I could connect with myself in this life instead of drifting.  From my self-pectations was born a new determination--and with it came my voice.  Because of my expectations I was determined to live well, build a life of happiness and joy--this gave purpose to my life, a reason to fight--for myself and my future! 
     Even though it wasn't easy to take a stand, most especially with certain family members, I did because at the end of my life as I stand before God I will have to answer for my choices (just me) and I would still have to answer to myself for my regrets!  I'm not perfect and I have and still do fall short, but one thing I don't do is give in.  I have been standing strong for many years now and that isn't going to change--ever!  My life, my expectations and determination, are my own.  I refuse to let anyone try to live it for me or deter me because I have found that the greatest and best expectations I could ever fulfill are the ones I have for myself.
     Until another time I wish you Love and Happiness of the truest kind!