So this "post" has been on my heart to write for a little while (technically it has been written for a long while), but I didn't know if I could. I didn't want to post anything emotionally heavy or end up writing an emotionally tangential or irrelevant post. Although Finess and I blog what is important to us we want it to be relatable, relevant and fun (as is desired and appropriate). So I gave myself time in order to do both this post and our readers justice (at least as much as I could).
People who are blessed not to go through divorce rarely understand the most difficult parts of divorce. It isn't always the division of property or the arguments/disagreements about the relationship. At least for me they weren't. When I really thought about the things that were most difficult throughout the separation and divorce I was kind of surprised at what I discovered (can we say unforeseen epiphany). When I was in a point of clarity, beyond the overwhelming emotions and painful (although necessary growth) I found that there were two major things that were excruciatingly difficult for me beyond all others.
1.) Separation from The In-Laws
I dearly missed my mother in law, grandmothers in law and nieces especially. I was completely broken hearted when my father in law passed (during our separation) and it took me a long while to be okay enough to deal with his passing. 'In Laws' is a societal label, to me they were family, my family. Each one of them touched my heart and life, left an impression. Sharing heartaches and triumphs; joys, pain and fears with them created a bond that hurt like the fires of Hell when severed. Years of love, laughter and memories may be put away in boxes, tucked away in dark corners, but can never be forgotten. Funny, I even missed my crazy brother and sister in law. It killed me that I will no longer be able to share holidays and birthdays with any of them. No more nieces to spoil with presents or play with during long afternoons. I will never get to see them grow up into young ladies either, come into their own, find their voices. I regret that I never got to do a proper luncheon with my mother or sister in law, nor will there ever be any now. I missed the little things about my family and being without them was hard...
2.) Learning How to Go Back to One From Two (although last it is equally (if not more so) difficult)!
After so many years of having someone by my side going back to having no one by my side is truly a trial. And the reminder of being single is in almost every aspect of every day. I now need a chair or a step ladder to reach things up high. There is no longer anyone to chuckle and tease me as he easily reaches over my head to pluck the object of my desire from the top shelf. Even the weather changing from Georgia warmth to bitter cold reminds me that I no longer have a living furnace to stick my feet under his butt (weird but true) or snuggle up to. All I have now are tons of blankets (that I pray I don't kick off in the middle of the night) and a very loved, but worn out, teddy (also true, he is almost as old as me) to cuddle.
When I get tired of driving I have to suck it up and there is no one to try out my new recipes either (dying to make oreo cookie cheesecake). Whenever I walk through the mall and see a tie or loafers that would look dashing on someone my check card stays in my wallet and I hurry on by with a sad sigh. There is no one for me to chat with under a tree (a favorite pastime as you can see by my other post) in the park or to lounge around watching movies on a rainy day. It is hard getting used to being one instead of two; saying 'me' instead of 'we'; or even cooking/baking for a single, solitary, soul.
And (as you can also tell by my previous post) it is just as hard dating again because I don't want to waste my time nor do I want to repeat previous mistakes. There are even some times where I wonder if I should even bother at all (the inner "old biddy" strikes again). Yes, learning to fly solo again is as difficult as losing my in laws. It is interesting how much divorce has affected my life, changed it and me. It takes a great deal to work through it all, but Divorcee's need to be fighters for our own sakes and so, fight I shall. Through rain or sleet or snow or shine, fight I will because if I won't who will?
I wanted to blog a little about these things, but for the sake of us all (you are most welcome dear readers) I have refrained from anything as long as the original that I had written a while ago. You are all intelligent and I am sure even if you can not empathize or sympathize that you understand that when it comes to divorce more goes on than words can ever say (nor would I want to disclose so much). But I did want to post this bit of emotional vulnerability to help others. Not just divorcees so they can know they are not alone, but also for those of you who know them; so you may soften your heart to them a little (or a little more) and hopefully judge them less (a whole lot less). Possibly even shed a little light on some of the things they face and go through. It will differ from person to person, as is natural, but the thing in common that most divorcees have are the difficulties and a lot of times they aren't the difficulties portrayed in dramas or movies. Sometimes the difficulties are born from the simplest (and usually overlooked) things. Just a little food for thought. Go out and hug a divorcee today! Seriously though before you judge, try to feel from their perspective!
Well until another time kiddies I wish you love and happiness of the truest kind!
~Marissa
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