I remember when I was younger and I thought by the time I was 30 my life would be golden; everything I wanted would have been accomplished with great success and I would be settled, happy and completely comfortable. Well, Yeah, reality slapped me in my face during my quarter life crisis and cured me of that little bit of unrealistic tripe. The closer I got to thirty the more I realized that life doesn't work like that. I can plan and work my butt off, but if things aren't meant to happen the way I desire--they won't.
By the time I finally hit thirty I had come to understand and accept that control is an illusion; everything happens for a reason (and I mean EVERYTHING); and that even the best laid plans do not always come to fruition. I also came to terms with the fact that I will always miss my twenty-year old body and I can NEVER have it again. But, seriously, reminiscing about what I thought my life would be like at thirty and how it truly is--is both humorous and disappointing as well.
I know that I am not the only person to feel like this. And although I have finally found a path of acceptance and understanding a small part of me would have liked to have fulfilled at least one goal on that intricate and well detailed time line I wrote out in my high school notebook. Even if it was to be married with a couple of kids by twenty-eight or a successfully established author by thirty (hey I am knocking on thirty-one and still haven't gotten my first, 'yes', yet) a little something checked off would make me feel less--disappointing. Yet, all of those nagging "disappointments" that have remained on that sheet of notebook paper raise a more important question: Would I be who I am had I already checked off those boxes?
Would I love the way that I do without going through the trials and tribulations that I have survived? Would I know how to survive failure without having failed? Would I be able to empathize with others--understand the importance of defending the meek as well as myself--if I had never suffered, never had to fight? If my path didn't take me through the darkness would I be able to understand and appreciate the light? If I had been able to check off some of those boxes I probably wouldn't have had half of the experiences or opportunities I have had. Nor would I have half of the memories or the people that I love so dearly in my life either.
I am thirty and although I didn't think this is where I was going to be at thirty--I am happy to be here. I have made it through three decades of heart ache, pain, growth, achievement and--adventure! I am still full of life and light--despite the little bit of darkness--and although I am no longer sparkly and new, I have aged beautifully. Every crack, bit of discoloration, every flaw is a testament to my resilience, my ability to adapt and survive and not lose--me! I may not be where I planned, but I am proud of who I am and being able to say that I am still making it. And obviously whatever God has planned for me is better than what I had planned for myself.
Well, that's all I have for tonight! Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
~Marissa
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