The NeverEnding Battle

Am I the only one out there who has this Neverending battle within themselves? I know what side i want to win. I try to sway the results, but it seems to be in vain. The fighting goes on and on and on.

I'm talking about the desire to love and be loved waging ware against my evolutionary need to stay sane and survive.

I want love. Real love. Stuff my grandparents had. Love that lasted more than a couple of months. The love that sweeps you off your feet and makes you certain there is a God. The love that never quits. The one that keeps couples glued to one another for decades. The one that survives all of life's milestones: marriage, children, retirement, grandkids, great great grand kids. The one that makes waking up everyday to that special person worth every hardship you have faced together. You know, just simple and real love.

And though my heart and soul desires this real love, my practical side has that all too familiar guard up. I have been hurt so many times by men who claim to love me. I have men lie to my face while trying to use me. I have invested many feelings, hopes, and dreams into little boys who just want to get a taste of my body. So how can a girl not be skeptical of any new man who walks in selling big dreams of grandeur? I was meant to survive, to succeed, to thrive, and by all means I will! But this need to love seems to be in contradiction of what love looks like in my generation.

So how do you decide which side wins? And my friends I honestly do not know. I feel like I can never get my hopes up in fear of getting hurt again, but the romantic dreamer inside of me wants to wish that this man is finally the one. I can stop this horrible dating game and be a happy married old lady! I don't want to give up on love, like so many people I have come across, but I am starting to become tired of picking up and mending the pieces of my heart that have been chipped away over the years!

So if any of you guys have an answer to how to end the Neverending war, Please Share!

Much Love!

-Finess... Aka Tired and Weary Soldier 

V Day Date Night!

     Okay y'all, since I am still trying to defeat whatever bug I picked up at work (hazards of the career I love is more than worth it though) I thought that I would be productive and fulfill my promise to finish another blog for you guys before Valentine's Day!  This one is just as important as the first one I put up this week and also just as relevant!  Valentine's Day is right around the corner--VALENTINE'S DAY IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER, Y'ALL!!!!!  Okay now that I have gotten your attention I do hope that you have very special things planned for your Significant Other!  And please, PLEASE, PLEASE, don't be absolutely cliche and only go with dinner--DON'T DO THAT!!!!! STEP IT UP and GET THAT IMAGINATION IN GEAR!!!! Please be creative, please do not squander this opportunity to knock your S.O.'s socks off!
     If you decided to save up and do something special then don't do it halfway!  You can make a day of it, wake them up with breakfast in bed, their favorite coffee or shower them in flower petals and kisses and/or present them with their VDay gift or a bouquet of their favorite flowers (honestly I am such a sucker for Peonies, but they are so hard to find that if ever I got a bouquet of them I would probably melt--key point--I am not the only woman like this in the world *hint, hint*)!  (I mean who doesn't love waking up with something special or in a special way and if you start the day like this I am sure it will benefit you both!)  Get started early with a picnic in a park, hike up to a waterfall, couples massage or mani/pedi session (or give them one if you are good with your hands *wink, wink*).  Come back home and take sometime to love each other.  Read poetry, sit face to face and really--and I do mean really--look at your S.O.  Talk with them, touch them, make love to them, laugh with them or even watch a movie.  Get in a relaxing wind down together and enjoy that QT you may not usually get to have because your lives are so busy!  And don't get me wrong--I mean dinner is good, great, especially if your S.O. is a foodie (I know I am)!  But, don't ONLY do dinner!  What about a trip to the planetarium (before or after), Sky View, play, ballet or even the Botanical Gardens.  Maybe even do dessert and coffee afterwards at a swanky coffee house or check out a poetry reading at a really boho or trendy underground spot.    

     And remember it is about the memory not the price of things.  If you are dating on a budget then pull up Bing or Google and start researching what is being offered in your city/state.  There are usually lots to do that are either free or budget friendly all you ever have to do is look.  And again if you are on a budget then make this a DIY Valentine's day.  Write a poem and make a handmade card.  If you are uber artistic then paint a picture--literally--or carve something.  Got a pair of pipes on you (lucky dog) then write a song or sing them a song that really captures your relationship.  You can always bake, cook dinner, light a few candles and cut out some hearts and decorate your place!   Ideas and opportunities are only as limited as your imagination!  So DON'T BOX YOURSELF IN!!! Take this opportunity to make some awesome memories and let your imagination and love run wild!

      I wish you guys an absolutely awesome VDay weekend and until another time Love and Happiness of the truest kind.

Always,
     Marissa          

The Art and Beauty of Making Love

     Well it is that time of the year, yet again.  Although loving and cherishing your partner should be a part of your every day life throughout the year this month is the month of love!  Cupid, Aphrodite, Chocolate, Bears (I added that in selfishly I still want a giant, soft, fluffy, pretty one--what can I say I love teddy Bears), Puppies (again, selfish addition because I desperately want a French Bulldog), Bouquets, and Fancy Dinners aside I'm pretty positive we all know that the weekend (not just the day) is almost a guaranteed "I'm going to get lucky" weekend.  All the impending giddiness aside I would like to get serious about just how lucky you really are.
       Our bodies are beautiful--man or woman, chubby, slim, curvy, svelte, tall, short, it doesn't matter.  OUR BODIES ARE BEAUTIFUL.  And when you are in a relationship where someone has chosen to share this beautiful gift with you--you should cherish it.  Hopefully you already do this, but if you haven't for whatever reason I encourage you to heed this advice and live it from this day on.  Honestly, I don't understand anyone not having the desire to know everything about their partner's body.  Do you not want to explore that wonderland?  How can you not want to know what makes your partner weak in their knees?  Is it not worth taking the time to bring them to a level of ecstasy that they may have never reached before--would you not take pride in that?  How can you not feel blessed and powerful knowing the pleasure and joy you can bring to them by knowing their body?
     First, though, I implore you to please set the mood.  Even if you take time to learn and explore them, but you make your partner feel unattractive or unwanted before or after then it will seem insincere and nothing more than a waste.  Be FULLY IN THE MOMENT.  Start the seduction with a gentle touch, or suggestive whisper, maybe even in just how you look at them (like you want to devour them or like there is no one in the world but them).  Everyone is different.  Hopefully you know your partner's seduction style.  Personally I am the kind of woman who loves to be seduced mentally--first.  I want you to catch my eye and speak with me with your look--reinforce it with your words--then solidify it all with your actions.  But, like I said everyone is different.  Some people are more physical and prefer someone whose touch is their undoing--others are seduced by words--it should be considered a privilege to know your partner in such ways as this.

     Once the mood is set then you can move on to the equally enjoyable and wonderful step of getting to know/explore them.  Speaking of, I really don't understand how, in the time you have spent together, you not know the smell of their skin and how it feels as it slides against yours; learned every inch of them--how it tastes--and where it is most sensitive.  How blind, selfish and callous can you be not to see how it changes color, arcs, curls, when you lick, nibble or bite it in one spot or another.  The touch of their hair in your hands or the feel of it as it slips through your fingers like delicate waves or soft bouncy clouds.  Allow your hands to memorize the shape and curve of every inch of it--then let your lips follow suit.  Watch how they breath, move, sigh, look them in their eyes and be aware--listen, taste, learn--partake in the bountiful pleasures this gift offers.  If you haven't before--get to know your partner's body from head to toe--this would be a perfect opportunity to do so (and make up for all the times you haven't, at least start to). 
     I guarantee you if you do, this will bring another level of intimacy, freedom and appreciation to your relationship.  And I am also sure this will embolden your S.O. to do the same with you.  Take time--MAKE TIME--I promise you, that you will never regret it.  Take time to cherish and honor the gift that your partner is sharing you--the most natural and precious gift--their body.  (*Please not the repetition of the word TAKE was intentional and not due to oversight.)  Well, I will try to post one more before the big V DAY, but if I am not able to, I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!

Always,
     Marissa

I'm Awesome

     Yes, that is a very egotistical (albeit honest) title for this new post, but it is so insanely appropriate that I absolutely could not contain my desire to slap it at the very top and let the whole world know what I am feeling inside.  I mean I seriously woke up one day this week and I had a straight Dune moment I swear that I almost ran outside in my onesie and screamed "...the sleeper has awakened" at the top of my lungs!  (Point 1:  If you have never seen the cult classic known as Dune or read any of the books I encourage you to do one or the other IMMEDIATELY!  Point 2:  Yes I have a My Little Pony--Rainbow Dash onesie and I love it (side note:  A Totoro onesie is in my future)!  Now that I have satisfied that tangent I will most definitely get back on the subject of --Me! 
    The sleeper has awakened--everything clicked for me when I got out of bed that day.  The doubt, hesitation, worry, fear, sadness--all of it was gone!  My inner lioness was back and it feels SO GOOD!  I forgot about my wonder, as a woman, daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, co-worker.  I forgot what I offer as a woman, to the people in my life--those I love--and even who I am.  I am versed enough in this life to understand that there are times when this may happen and I was experiencing one of those. Even so, though I may have been "sleeping", I was also learning. Learning about myself--about others in my life--about living in general.  Yet, even though I was learning--I was also forgetting--which is never a good thing.  But, joyously am I celebrating that time that has passed for me.  And I will continue to shout praises of appreciation for all that I have learned and experienced.  But now it is a new year--it is 2015, y'all and I am about that life! (Please excuse the verbal cliches, but they are just too much fun right now and I can't deny the use of them!)
     So, I have become the embodiment of that old adage, "New year, new me"  because I am NEW!  In so many ways.  I even told my mom there are two words that I am eliminating from my vocabulary this year, "ok" and "fine".  I feel as though they no longer have any place in my life!  I am fantastic, wonderful, blessed, loved--I am so much more than those two words could ever describe.  I will no longer rest on their laurels!  They no longer have power or place in my life!  And I will hold true to this.  Even if my day isn't going beautifully I have so much that can NOT be taken from me that I can only ever be at the very least--blessed.
     I am educated, intelligent, determined, kind, sassy and so fun!  I love my family, new career, new company and my CREW (SHOUT OUT TO THE CREW).  I have a home (and always will for where there is true love, kindness and safety that is where home will be for me), a fantastic new car and so many opportunities set before me that I am so giddy with excitement that I can barely contain myself!  And even though certain relationships aren't all sunshine and lollipops in my life right now, I am still so solid because if the time for my "contract to be renewed" comes up and there isn't a reason for me to renew it--I will become a free agent (may the best franchise win, lol(excuse the football analogy but it was apropos)).
     And all of this is because I AM AWESOME.  I am genuinely a wonderful woman and person.  I am a treasure--a prize--a jewel who through trials and tribulations I have been made stronger, brighter, and priceless.  I have so much to offer, to give, and I am to the point in my life that if what I offer is rejected, unappreciated, abused or taken for granted in any way then there is no reason to continue to give any one (no matter who they are) something they don't understand, desire or deserve.
    I am so thankful for this re-awakening.  I feel as though my light is absolutely uncontainable right now!  And I LOVE IT! :)  I want to encourage all of you to maintain and protect your light.  Let it blossom and grow.  Do not be deterred if it feels as though it is taking forever for it to increase or if you feel as though you are stuck or even if you feel as though every thing you do isn't working out as you have planned.  Something that I learned a long time ago is that everything happens not according to our plans but they happen as they are SUPPOSED to as they are SUPPOSED to.  Be patient--my sleepers--keep faith.  And until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the Truest kind!
     ~Always
          Marissa   

What Dreams Are Made of

     What are dreams made of--past, present and future all rolled into one cryptic message that plays out once we shut out the day and quiet the chaos of our minds?  Are they naught but pictures and emotions left hidden from the light in the labyrinth of our subconscious?  Maybe they are a mix of celestial magic and dark desires?  Or are they only our imaginations working their gears while they are most able?  Or could they be fore warnings, premonitions of things to come, or decisions to be made.  Maybe I am putting too much thought into them or maybe--just maybe--I am right.
     You see I dream--frequently--deeply, sometimes in too much detail and at other times things feel so real that I wake up in a state of surreal dissatisfaction as though my dreams were my reality and my reality nothing more than a dream.  (Kind of inception-esque)  Confusing,  I'm sure to some, but for those who have been there I am sure you understand.  And the fact that I, nine times out of ten, remember what I dreamed makes this pondering all the more relevant. How frighteningly wonderful would that be?  How much more credit would we give them, how much more important would they be to us; if we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were more than our over active imaginations running wild?  Would lives be lived differently,  changed drastically?  For that matter would I change drastically if my dreams were more than mere imaginative figments that carry me through my REM cycles?   
     All of these pressing questions could have been born because of the new year.  You see, there are new decisions to be made--steps to take--experiences to have--and with so much at stake amidst a glorious new beginning, these are questions that I am asking myself once more.  Especially when I had a dream about a life I have yet to see,  but it is the life I desire--the life I am striving to build.  And having a detailed glimpse of my hearts desire apparently achieved, how can I not stop and wonder--hope--that they are more than bits and pieces of this and that.    My heart is starting to believe it is so much more.  And with this hope, though partially groundless it may be, I feel a renewed resolve.  There is a confidence and surety, that I hadn't realized I was missing until recently, that had finally found its way back home.  I am reveling in the solid confidence I feel and subsequent happiness that had arrived along with it.  

    I feel that I have come alive again.  Like a phoenix, and I am so excited I can hardly contain it.  NO MORE HESITATION!  My time for resting is over and it is time for me once again to take it all on.  Life feels as though it has been laid out before me in all of its splendor for me to grasp with both hands and I am so ready.  I AM SO READY to make these dreams come true!
     Whatever they are made of;  whether their purpose is great or small indeed, I welcome them. What have your dreams brought to you? What do they mean to you?   I pray that you find your answers or at the very least begin to give thought you them.   Until another time I wish you love and happiness of the truest kind! 
    Always
        Marissa       

Love in all the "Wrong" Places

I use to wonder how people get caught up in a cheating scandal. Like how can you love someone and then go around sleeping and spending time with someone else? How can you bring yourself to do that? Love doesn’t act like that!

It’s not so black and white, like I thought. I now know how one can love someone so much and still betray their commitment. Don’t get me wrong, I am not condondning cheating! Some people out there are just horribly selfish human beings, but for the average every day girl, I understand why she would go off on a love affair.

She cheats to feel something again. It’s to feel like a woman. To fill the void that her love can not or will not fill. We as women try to hold on to a relationship for as long as possible, hoping that either he will change or that our desire will just go away. Unfortunately very rarely does either one of those happen. Men rarely change and our desires just grow stronger with neglect.

So when something shiny and new comes along, we give in to our nature: who we are after you pass all the niceties and makeup. We jump at it; trying to have restraint, but with every No, the Yes grows stronger. I can honestly admit to feeling this way, not feeling like I can fully open up and be myself with my partner. Not because I didn’t want to, because he has shown me that he wasn’t worthy to see all of me yet. He was not making me happy. I would look at him wondering if I should just walk away and never look back. There was something that made question his love, his devotion for me. And so in response, I hid. I slowly pulled back, praying and wishing that things will get better. Hopping that maybe he will try harder, maybe he would try to understand me and work on us. That hunger started to grow, the desire started burning, and I subconsciously start looking elsewhere to satisfy my needs.

I know many of you are thinking that you would never cheat on your mate. I would tell you the same thing. But I can understand and sympathize with those who have. It almost seems impossible to ward off temptation when you have been neglected. Neglect and abuse makes a perfect storm to cheat. One lover is complacent in their status of the relationship, no longer making an effort to really properly love the other. And the other is trying desperately to make things work, knowing that the hunger is building inside of them. I get it, I totally understand.

The moral of this post… Dude life is way to freaking short to hold on to things and people who make you unhappy. All this does is tie up two lives in a knot that gets more and more complicated as time goes on. And once someone either cheats or let goes too late, it is so much harder to unravel the knot. Also love your mate properly. Either get off your ass and give 100% to them or don’t waste each other’s time. I refuse to waste anymore time with half love! If they show you who they are and more importantly, who you are to them, believe them, and love yourself enough to walk away if you have to.

The Differences Between the Sexes

     Do you remember that book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"?  I know I am dating myself a bit here, but do you remember just how big a deal it was when it first hit the shelves?  I do, I was a little young, although not that much, and I remember for the longest that was all most adults could talk about.  Honestly, I have never read it--nor am I inclined to, but the whole premise that men and women are from two vastly different planets is rather interesting.  It is also a touch sexist too considering that we created that classification box to decide that when certain sexes display certain emotions, thoughts and ideals that some are only acceptable for either a male or female to have.  But, I am being tangential in my thought process.  The point of my reminding you of that book is to emphasis how right it is--in a way at least--about the emotional differences between most men and women.
     I have had this conversation with my girlfriends multiple times.  Sometimes we wish we could just date each other.  Why? Not to fulfill a lesbian fantasy, sorry to burst your bubbles, but because we understand each other.  There is never a moment I have to worry about them not being loving, supportive and kind.  They are honest, dependable, accepting and fun to be with.  There is never a worry in my heart that I have to walk on thin ice or egg shells with them AND they appreciate all of my quirks and flaws.  They want to and do make time to spend with me.  They are emotionally available and open.  They understand their short comings and strive to better themselves.  They never lie to me or give me empty promises--as the list grows longer I am sure you can see why this is a conversation between us.  We get each other and understand what we need.  It would be as easy as breathing--it would WORK.
     Unfortunately, we don't have a real desire to date each other.  What's worse is there is such a pathetically dire shortage of men who know how to emotionally engage and connect with, that it seems damn near impossible to have a real relationship with them anymore.  Too many like to coast and have shallow relationships.  They don't want to or know how to expel the energy necessary to build an emotional foundation with the person they claim to love/care about.  What they don't seem to understand to this day, no matter how many books are published, is that an emotional connection with their S.O. is the most important thing to maintain.  Because once a woman checks out emotionally because of neglect it just pushes her that much closer to walking out the door.  Like one of my dear besties said earlier this week, "Women put up with a lot of shit, but when they have finally had enough it is really over".  I couldn't have said it better myself.  Most women really do try and try and try and try and try and try and try and try and--well you get the point, but when the trying is done and they keep giving and fighting to no avail and they decide it is time to walk then there is no way to save or repair the damage that has been done.  And yet most guys still wonder what happened and where things went wrong.  Well sweet cheeks when you don't nourish and care for the emotional well being of your relationship--you open the door for someone else to step in who will--you open the door for your S.O. to walk out too.  And the only person to blame is YOU!
     In reality Love isn't enough--you can't hang or abuse your relationship on the fact that your S.O. loves you.  You must build trust; grow to understand your S.O.; and nurture your relationship.  If you don't do these things then nothing else matters because the relationship won't succeed.  Every woman has a breaking point.  And if you don't care enough to give her what she deserves and you break her--then she is within her right to leave.  If you don't have the maturity or drive to see that these things are necessary and worthwhile then maybe you should just be man enough to admit you can't handle a relationship and be by yourself.  It is a little tough--but tough love sometimes is very necessary.  Besides a little punch to the throat is good for some people!  Until another time I do wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
     Always,
         Marissa  

Inclinations of Real Love

     Love is a beautiful and empowering thing.  I will always stand by that belief--no--by that knowledge for I know that it is true.  When love is REAL it is a revelation and even at times an entity that encourages rebirth.  No matter what happens in my life or relationships, I have found that his is a constant truth.  It can change people; it should change people.  When you love someone (no matter what kind of love it is i.e. familial, friendly or romantic) it changes your world and even how you see and treat the person you love.  When you truly love someone, purely, and wholly their happiness comes before your own.  For when the person you love is happy, you're happy, the happiness that is given is then shared in an endless circle between the two in the relationship.  (The same goes for unhappiness and sorrow as well.)  In loving someone--the desire to cherish them is innate.  And being just another natural Inclination of real love--and in desiring to fulfill it--you respect and protect them from the world and at times even yourself.  So, where you might have been selfish before you become selfless--when you really love another; when you would only protect yourself you now protect another.  Love brings growth in many different facets.
    And then of course there is the desire to learn and bond that comes with REAL love and care.  The adventure and privilege of getting to know someone with a depth that few others do is both thrilling and a deep desire of those who Love.  I don't believe it is possible to love someone and NOT desire or even truly attempt to know them.  How can you love someone you don't want to or just don't know at all?  When you love someone, in the desire to protect and be a safe harbor for them, knowing the depth at which the person you love hopes, dreams and fears is of utmost importance to you.  In getting to know their depth their world opens up to you.  And that is where and when the bond begins.  Learning their faults and virtues; interests and pet peeves is just as important as learning the intimacy and beauty of their body.  You can not love without learning or bonding--and if you do, then that love is shallow and doomed to fail, if you will forgive my tactless honesty.  Personally there is no desire in my heart to be with anyone in any form who does not desire nor sees the importance in knowing me.
     As you learn and bond with the person you love, your world opens up as well.  If the person you love is very different from yourself you are presented with an opportunity to learn from them--even if it isn't an interest or view point you share or agree with it is a new perspective and opportunity to see and understand things in a way that you haven't necessarily known of before.  It is also an opportunity to make that person happy by sharing in something that they enjoy with them--it also shows them their importance to you as well even if it isn't your thing to do, but you still do so, happily to enjoy something both with and for them.  If the person you love is very similar  to you then you can expand on the common interests you have together and even learn new things together too.  Every moment with the person you love is an opportunity to learn, bond and grow TOGETHER.  These are the opportunities that literally make or break a relationship.  Whether it is learning what makes them laugh; how to comfort them in times of need or distress; or how to play together, these are those (sometimes) little moments that will always mean the most and hold the greatest importance in the success or failure of a relationship.
    Then of course there is the beauty, necessity and joy of intimacy both emotional and physical.  Being a respectful, understanding protector of the one you love you have given them the gift and ability to be open and vulnerable with you.  This is a privilege, honor and a joy that is shared by the two people who are in the relationship together.  To become a person that is loved and trusted so much that another person is happy and comfortable being open with their emotions is a beautiful thing and quite the achievement too.  It is definitely a step in the right direction.  When your love is true, there isn't a need for the person you love to walk on egg shells; they can be exactly who they are and know that they are loved and accepted for being their wonderful self.  No need for masks or to hide behind expectations they know that you love their flaws unconditionally as they are a part of who they are.
     When someone can be emotionally vulnerable and open with you; then they can also share their physical intimacy with you.  But even this is different, even this has a different level.  When their is real love, trust and protection--again--another world opens.  Then the one you love feels safe to express themselves intimately without the fear of being judged, rejected or misunderstood.  When you create that openness and safety, then it is possible to take your time to explore and learn their body, there is so much joy in knowing someone intimately who can express and explore without inhibitions to hinder them.  An inclination of Real Love is to know the one you love in totality and not squander those opportunities by rushing, but by cherishing them.  And not just because of my own natural temperament, but because I honestly know the often skirted and overlooked importance of emotional and physical intimacy in a relationship do I encourage you to learn the one you love in TOTALITY.  What kiss quickens the breathe; what touch encourages a sigh; what bite births a groan; what nibble makes them weak in their knees.  Learn the feel of their skin; the arch of their neck; the dip of their shoulder and curve of their hip.  Again when you love someone their satisfaction comes before your own (just like their happiness) and is shared back again with you.  As I said before when you Really Love, you change, your desires and priorities change and not because you are told or badgered into it, but because you have  a NATURAL INCLINATION to be the person the one you love deserves.
     The inclinations of Real Love are what relationships are made of; if they do not exist how can the relationship exist?  Of course not everyone is able to love, really, in totality.  Some people realize this and still quite selfishly engage in relationships before they are truly capable of being an equal lover and partner in the relationship.  Unfortunately some do not realize it, even though none of their relationships ever reach a respectable longevity or even success--they blame everyone and everything before looking inward.  But then self realization and growth is difficult for the majority of people in this world.  To those who are not yet on this level, if love is truly what you want--the deep, long lasting love--I encourage you to strive and struggle to grow in order to experience and give it.  For those of you who are there--find someone who can match what you offer.  Believe me, it is a living hell loving someone who isn't on that level with you.  To everyone, I do wish you all Love and Happiness of the Truest kind!

~Always
Marissa           
               

The Dangers of Neglect

     Neglect has many forms but each are equally as dangerous as the other.  No matter what kind Of  relationship (romantic, friendly or familial) it presents itself in, it is truly dangerous and detrimental.  Neglect is like a gateway or a door opener for relationships.  It is a major source of deterioration in the love and trust of a relationship. And it spreads like wildfire. 
     The most interesting thing about it is that many times the Neglector doesn't realize that they are being neglectful.  And quite honestly I believe the people who are oblivious to the neglect they inflict are the absolute worst.  But in this case I would like to remind you all that perception is reality.  You see the person who is neglecting the other many times may believe their actions are anything but neglectful when in reality they are.  But since they are not on the receiving end of their actions and inflictions they believe  themselves as being virtually blameless as to the negative affect they have on others.  Where as the person being neglected knows this not to be true because of the effect the other person's actions has on them.  I believe that the results of actions, words and thoughts are the true reality that exists.  I will simultaneously recommend you all to be aware individuals and not just self aware--no--be relationship aware.  Be aware of the people you are in relationships with and your effect on them.  Learn to be self less enough to learn about them; learn how to read them and realize your effect on them.  This should be done regardless if you truly love and care for someone.  
      You see Neglect as I said before opens the door for other things and some cases people to come into the relationship.  It also opens the door for people to leave.  We are, after all, only human.  There is only so much harmful, hurtful,  neglect someone can endure before they are driven out of a relationship either emotionally, physically or both.  And no one should be expected to endure such harmful atrocities  either.  Neglect, such a dangerous creature, whose harm is barely repairable if at all.  I marvel when someone swears they love another but their neglect is so blatant that it is palpable.  Like I said, it is dangerous, and knowing what it feels like and others who do and have endured it, I can see how people are tempted to stray, betray or disappear from the relationships they are in.  Neglect puts people in to such sad states that at the first genuine opportunity for happiness they become eager, hungry for it and so will do anything to achieve it after they have been treated so badly for so long. 
    So my plea to you all is to be relationship aware especially if you care and/ or love someone.   Don't just care and love them with empty words and promises that hold no meaning.  Strive to be emotionally responsible and aware of your affect on others.  Until another time, I wish you love and happiness of the truest kind.

Marissa 

The Fading Light

     Finess and I have been gone awhile!  But, there has been a lot happening in our lives.  I have missed blogging, quite a bit (I'm sure I have written this before) actually.  And yet, I find myself struggling to finish a single one that I have started.  At first I thought it was because I was out of practice, but then I realized I wasn't being honest with myself.  I am not out of practice at all, but rather emotionally bogged down.  I am overwhelmed with so many emotions, about a couple of things in my life right now, that I feel all of them to the point of becoming numb.  I didn't even know that was possible, but I seem to continue to learn something new about myself every day.
     Honestly, I wish I could turn it off--what I feel--it would be so much easier; it would be much less like living and more existing, but easier none the less.  In truth I feel like most of my life is exactly where and what I desire it to be.  I absolutely love my friends.  They are magnificent, wonderful and phenomenal.  I trust, depend on, and love them all so completely.  They enrich my life and I can't imagine being without them!  I have moved from a necessary job to the career I wanted with the organization I wanted!  And quite surprisingly my (blood) family (collectively at least the majority of us) are starting to come together a little more than we have been in the past few years.  But there are just a few relationships in my life that have started to negatively affect my happy.
     Sometimes I think that I am being selfish from wanting to be happy across the board--in every way possible--instead of just being contented.  But then I think that is the most ridiculous of all my thoughts.  Should I not be happy--completely happy--shouldn't we all?  Then more ridiculous ideas follow suite.  Sometimes I think I committed a great sin in one of my previous lives and I am still paying for it in this one--that is why I am not allowed to be completely happy.  (I have told Finess this and she thinks it is beyond uber ridiculous.)  And yet, considering the darkness that I have survived in my life--the trials and tribulations--I think even if that were true that I would have repaid my karma-debt by now.  Then (as if you didn't know that word was coming again) I start to think of things from another perspective.  I was told to never let anyone or anything affect my 'happy'.  And yet I am--shamefully so.  Contrary wise, when there are people close to you in your life do they not have an affect on it whether you wish them to or not?  Is that not the gamble we take when we form bonds, connections and relationships with people--no matter what kind they are?
   I mean relationships are hard.  Especially in this day and age it seems they are exceptionally difficult.  Many people are jaded, wounded, fearful, dissatisfied and hopeless about their desired or current relationships (no matter the kind of relationship it is).    And if the relationship is emotionally uneven because one individual suffers from any or multiple previously mentioned emotions it negatively effects the other.  So not just one person is miserable because of their past or fear of their future, but so is the person they are in the relationship with who they either subconsciously or consciously (deliberately or accidentally) inflict their misery upon.  And in their emotional vulnerability and selfishness they can not see the damage they are dealing (or either do not care the pain, hurt and destruction they cause) to those they SAY they love and/or care about.  The relationship which was once shinning with promise and filled with hope has earned an unbecoming patina and is slowly emptying of all the goodness that was once in it.  And it is that reality--that undeniable and horrific truth of relationships that is standing in my way of my absolute happiness.
     The emotions that have been born from this horror plaque me--disappointment, sadness, anger, frustration, fatigue, confusion--they are overwhelming me.  When I try and try and try and TRY and TRY and TRY AND TRY to no avail--when I give my best, but it doesn't matter--when I am torn and the voice of the Almighty evades me in the most fervent of my prayers; what is left for me to do?  Where can guidance be found?  I reflect and I break it down, again and again like slow, willing, painful torture.  I think and re-think; evaluate and deconstruct and yet, answers evade me.  And in such an overly vulnerable state the emotions take hold and I can not shake them and at the worst of times I can not contain them.  And the shame that flitted along the surface of my emotional storm deepen.  And the anger, disappointment, frustration and confusion seamlessly snake their spindly fingers, entwining with the shame and joining its direction into the very pit of my heart; the opinion and understanding of myself waivers muddying the water of my, once quite clear, eternal being.  It feeds my self-shame and my self shame feeds the rest of the pain mongering emotions that have taken hold.
     It has become an endless, ruthless, painful cycle that has spun out of control; as if I ever had control of it in the first place.  All of that possibly although seemingly impossible controllable emotions are causing me to doubt the surety I once had of myself and my womanhood.  My self esteem is taking a beating and I don't know if it can keep on ticking.  Essentially and most simply, with everything that I have and continue to endure with no signs of improvement have started to make my light fade.  As I am sure you can see, in this chosen moment of quite necessary, frightening, vulnerable honesty.  Funny enough this is not what I thought to blog about today.  This kind of happened.  So, obviously I will publish it--even thought its simple existence frightens me.  Even if it hasn't been terribly therapeutic, maybe it may help someone else.  And that is the purpose of our blog.  To share our honest stories and opinions in the hopes of showing others that they are not alone and to help them too.  So, here it is--or more exact, here I am.  Vulnerable, open, doubting--essentially, painfully, human.  EEEKKKK!  So, I'm just going to hit 'Publish' before my nerves get the better of me.
     Until another time, even if I haven't achieved it yet,  I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!

Always,
Marissa