Lifesavers

     Lifesavers--are not just multi-flavored fruity candies--but they are people who are in our lives to do exactly as the title suggest--save our lives.  Although all of this may sound a tad dramatic, it isn't.  Honestly, don't we all need Lifesavers in our lives?  They are the ones that help us to maintain perspective; keep us from slipping over the edge, and help us to keep our heads above water when we are tired of treading through the waves.  And the best thing about it is that we don't ever have to ask.  Lifesavers jump right in without a second thought--as soon as they see you floundering, slipping, or falling they are right there to help keep you where you need to be.
      I thank God everyday for the Lifesavers that he has brought into my life.  I wouldn't be where I am without them.  In retrospect, when I think about everything that I have experienced in the past three decades, without Lifesavers I would not be the 'Marissa', that I am today.  Although, I am sad for the Lifesavers who were not meant to be around for a lifetime, I have found that no matter how long my Lifesavers are here each one of them has helped me to survive and grow.  And for that I am truly and eternally grateful.
     To every family member, best friend, friend (or what have you) I want to say thank you.  Thank you for the late night conversations, hugs and support; thank you for your kindness, tears and protection; thank you for  your honesty, laughter, and hand holding; thank you for your encouragement, acceptance, thoughtfulness and sacrifices.  Thank you for being there when I needed you.  Thank you for not letting me walk this life alone; thank you for loving me through the hurt, pain, trials, anger and negativity.  Thank you for inspiring and helping me to heal and grow.  Thank you for being who you are, for in doing so you helped me to become who I am.
     I believe everything happens for a reason, that people are in our lives for a reason.  And sometimes we forget to say 'thank you', but life is too short to forget something so necessary and simple.  I wanted to take time to say, 'thank you' to all of my Lifesavers; my kindred spirits; my soul mates; my loves; my friends; my family for you are the people who make up my world and without you I would be a lone island in the midst of the raging sea of life.
     I hope you all take time to tell your Lifesavers thank you and to remember how people have blessed your life.  Until another time I wish you all Love and happiness of the truest kind.
     ~Marissa
         

Passion

     Passion--Beautiful--Seductive--Addictive--Enthralling--Passion.  I have come to know Passion as not just a product of lust or Love, but an entity that can exist quite naturally (and unexpectedly) between two individuals that connect on a level that is more emotional--spiritual--than physical.  And as the connection differs so does the level and kind of Passion that is born from it.  There is the Passion that is sweet, spicy and swift--born from lust and half hearted promises.  Or even the Soft passion which is like a brook or stream.  Cool, smooth, slow, and deliberate.  It can swell to overflow its banks and carves its existence into the earth, patiently--leaving its mark. 
     Then there are the more substantial and devastating Passions.  Like the Passion that Burns with a white hot blaze--everlasting--eternal--inescapable.  It is a passion that consumes reason and is fueled by longing.  It never fades, nor can it die, but eternally burns as bright as the northern star.  There is also the passion that Drowns with warm, enveloping waves--constantly churning--pulling.  It is equivalent to a "beautiful death", enveloping--languid--decadent to a degree.  Yet, one should not count out the passion that is Molten--hot--slow--yet devastating.  It flows deep within the surface, but when it breaks free, it decimates all in its path.  And these passions are just scratching the surface of the different kinds that exist! 
     How much do we underestimate--not comprehend--abuse (romantic) passion?  We refrain; try to control or manipulate it; sometimes deny and run from it as well; but when it catches us in its clutches we truly see how powerless we are in its wake.  Never disregard or underestimate passion.  I encourage everyone to throw themselves into it, even if it is only once.  Let it wash over you, consume and fill you.  Let it entrance, entice and enthrall you.  Let it exist as it is meant to--feel the pureness and greatness of it.  Even if it is only once--do it.  Throw caution to the wind and flow with it.  I guarantee that what you will experience will be more than worth it.
     Think on it--until another time I wish you love and happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa      

Love and Their Breaks

         In my thirty years I have discovered, through trials and tribulations, just how much Love varies.  And as spring fever gives way to summer love, many of the conversations that have been had lately are not only about relationships, but about Love.  Some times I forget that not everyone has had both the curse and the privilege to know the heartbreak of a first Love or how there are many ways and places within us to Love.  I think that many of us either don't know, forget, fear or underestimate Love so much that we never truly get to know or experience it--in its glorious and varying magnitude.
     I learned that I Love not just from my heart, but my soul and very being as well.  Because of this I have earned the misfortune as well as the fortune of experiencing "breaks (as in heart)" and Love in many varying degrees. Of course (as this is my humble opinion in regards to my own experiences) the kind of "break" depends upon the kind of Love it originated from.  (Let's see if I can give you a better explanation--:)  I have had an unrequited Love;  And also a first Love;  I have grown with a young Love; suffered (and learned) from (an unfortunately) devastating Love and tried to fight an uncontrollable Love.  These are my five great Loves (not that I haven't loved other men, but these I have been in love with and they have been an influence within my life and understanding).
     My first Love as well as my young Love--I loved them from my heart.  Different places within my heart, but when way led unto way that is what broke--a part of my heart.   Whereas my unrequited and devastating Loves--those Loves--were experienced with my soul.    After our seasons were finished and when life lead us down different paths it wasn't a part of my heart that broke--no--they each took a part of my soul with them.  (Hence the saying, "Be careful who you love", although if it were possible there would never be a broken heart.)
     Now, my uncontrollable Love--this love was a first for me--It was terrifying, unexpected, consuming and--uncontrollable.  I never knew I could love someone with the entirety of my being (as dramatic as it sounds--I feel what and how I feel--but don't we all).  This love was one that defied explanation for truly there are no words to help any one understand who has never experienced its ilk before.  When it ended the first time (well details are a luxury I shall not afford you) I swore never again.  I wasn't strong enough to withstand it again (this "break" was equivalent to having pieces of my soul taken), yet I obviously couldn't deny it for the rest of my life (we are going to see how this round plays out).
       It isn't as though I planned on how and from where I would love them, it kind of happened (along with the "breaks").  (Can we ever plan on how or who we love, truly?)  And knowing that when we Love another we take a chance with our hearts--souls--very beings--is Love, at the end of the day, not worth the gamble?  Again and again, throughout the years I have gone through "breaks" because for me, Love will ALWAYS be worth the risk.  I am who I am because of my experiences and even though there was hurt, pain, loss and sadness there was also joy, passion, growth, happiness and laughter too.  Life is a balance and Love is a part of that balance (maybe the biggest part).  I will never let the pain or mistakes of my past allow me to miss out on the potentials and possibilities of Love.  I will always choose Love.  And if I lose I will not be a sore (or bitter) loser for then I would be cheating myself.  Instead (as I have learned to do) I will take some time and re-invest in myself--gather my chips--and get back to the tables when I am ready.
     At the end of the day this is my choice--what will be yours?  Will you settle for a life hiding, running, shunning or ignoring the greatest gift, ability and experience given to us--or will you fall, fly, fight for it?  What is a life without Love?  And why let any fear of past or unknown stop you from such a treasure as Love?  Well, I think that this is enough food for thought for one night.  I am sorry for the length, but I had a lot on my mind--and a lot to say.  Until another time I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind.
     ~Marissa        

Not Perfect, But Worth It/Divorcee Dating Saga part Huit

     So it has been awhile since I have written anything, let alone about Hunny and me. Surprisingly, some people have started to ask whether or not we are even still together.  Well, I am most happy to say that we are.  And after a conversation that I had with Nessie today, I really wanted to post something not just about Hunny and me, but about relationships on the whole.  Nessie is one of my best friends and we talk about everything.  Honestly I don't think we have any secrets.  And this morning, while I was stuck in ghastly traffic, we were talking about relationships (both hers and mine).
     Nessie always teases me that my relationship with Hunny is like a movie; a love from long ago rekindled after years of separation and later friendship, etc.   I guess, when she describes it this way, it kind seems like it.  And although I am terribly happy I had to point out to her that, like any other relationship, it isn't perfect.  Although it isn't perfect, it is most definitely WORTH IT.  Relationships don't only require work; they require a desire to make it work.  If neither (or even just either) instead of both people in a relationship don't possess a desire to make it work let alone the heart to see the work through, then the relationship will not prosper.  There will be good days and bad days no matter who you are.  There will be times where you won't understand your love and vice versa, but as long as you both try (try until you succeed) to communicate and understand each other that is what is important.
     It takes time and the desire to build something lasting.  So, that is why it is necessary to work on not just sympathizing, but empathizing; not just listening, but understanding; and not just being a presence, but being present.  Take time to not only build and strengthen your relationship, but to learn, understand, accept and appreciate the one you love as well.  Because at the end of the day Love is more than a word or a feeling or even a state of being.  Love comes from what you say and how you say things to your love.  Love is in the way you treat, think, act and react to them.  Love is in everything you do and don't do.  Be a thoughtful, motivated, partner and lover because your love is important and the decisions you make (the actions you take) directly effect the person you choose to connect your life with ; the person that you love.
     Just something to think about.  Until another time I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind.
          ~Marissa    

For anyone who has seen their Own Darkness

In the wake of another hot summers here in Georgia, I must admit that I am miserable. I'm sharing my darkness with you because I know how it feels to feel alone. I know how it feels to want to give in and give up. I know how it feels to look in the mirror and not recognize the person looking right back at you.

So I am miserable. I feel like a failure, lost in the sea of this world, claimed by the waves of the sea of stagnant growth and existence. I've always said that I want nothing more but to live, dwell in my purpose and see the world. Well those things are not happening.  I feel frustrated in my lack of growth professionally. I hate that I live paycheck to paycheck. I hate that I don't really know what to do with my life. I am lost! I'm desperate for some way out of this 9-5! I spent the last 4 years of my life working towards a goal that no longer serves me, so where do I go from here!?! My weight keeps on yo-yoing and though I know I'm pretty, I hate the fact that I cannot seem to get it together! I'm tired of consistently going up in size! I just want to be healthy. I don't want to be the next person on the mega-size documentaries on the Discovery Channel. The last front of my defeatist feelings is my love life ~> I don't have one! My heart's desire and call for an equal has still gone unanswered. All the good things that I imagined in my world are NONEXISENT! Man do I feel low!!!

See you are not the only one who gets down. Most of the time, the people with the most beautiful smile, cry the most tears. But here's the thing about feeling like this, it's OK! It's ok to feel like this.  It perfectly normal to get down! The question is, and where your strength of character shows, what do you do from here? Do you hide and mask this pain, or do you look it right in the eyes and tell it that you are strong! I personally choose the latter. I am stronger than I know! I will accomplish my goals! So which one do you choose?

Choose Wisely,
Finess

A Big 25 Update

So I've been 25 for about a month now. I thought my quarter life crisis was over once the hangover from my celebration left my body. But! Here I am just one month later wondering if I should pack up my dog, say farewell to all my love ones, and chase down my dream of seeing the entire world.

I feel oh so lost and confused! I want to enjoy my time here on earth. I only have one life, why waste it on boring jobs and sort of kind of relationships. Admittedly, I didn't even consider reaching 25 in my life vision when I was younger; setting the foundation of a what I thought I wanted my life to look like. Boy did I think I would be a whole lot more successful than I am now.

I envisioned my 20s would be fabulous! I figured I would have dropped a large amount of weight and work out everyday. I thought I would be a very powerful business woman, calling all the shots at my extremely busy catering company. Lol I figured I wouldn't have mastered working in heels and had a boss black closet (black is my power color). I imagined having a wonderful, tall, caramel colored, athletic fiance and a little white cuddly dog. All of this living in my dream home in Savannah.

But life clearly isn't like that at all! I have a entry level position that I am clearly overqualified for. Still clearly overweight. No real man in my life. I hate wearing heels. No black closet. And my dog is large and black. Lol the funny part is that I am glad things didn't work didn't turn out the way I envisioned, for the simple fact... That plan did not include God or my purpose for living. I would be just another material driven woman, lacking a real connection to the Creator. I would almost be soulless. My relationship nor career would be fulfilling for me and I would always be hungry for more. I would much rather have the life that I have now because I can at least see and feel what  this gift of life is like. And I am NOT finished by no means. Lol I'm just at the beginning. The world is my oyster! I don't have all the answers, in fact only one: I am here for a purpose and I will live up to the wonderful and special task that our Creator entrusted in me! So though I am feelings lost and turned around in my life, I'm really not. I have a purpose and every decision I make just leads me closer to discovering it and living it. So until it comes, care to enjoy the scenery with me? I am determined to enjoy this gift of life, join me!

Much love and purpose,

Finess

Drifting

PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN

   
     I am doggy paddling trying to keep my head above water--looking for an inlet, island, cove, sand bank (c'mon throw a girl a bone) somewhere I can rest peaceably before I start my journey again.  But there is nothing in sight. Through tempests, hurricanes, and sporadic storms I have paddled.  And without any haven or sanctuary in sight I am starting to lose my strength.  The constant struggle has (and is) taking its toll.  I am trying hard to be strong, but I would be lying if I didn't admit that I feel myself burning out.  

     A body can only go through so much before it can not sustain itself.  And then what is left?  Trying to balance and survive is difficult enough as it is, but with all of the other external factors (trying to reek havoc in my life) it is practically impossible.  The only thing I can do is pray (which I have been doing), but I am starting to believe that God is tired of hearing my voice (I kid, I kid).  But, what else is left for me to do?  I can't seem to make headway on my own, so--who else am I to look to? 

     But maybe I am missing the point of all of this.  Maybe this is a test of my trust--my ability to not just have hope and faith, but to trust that there will be land before my body gives up the ghost.  Trust that there will be a place of peace, provision and sanctity (hopefully in my very near future).  Trust that every storm pushes me closer to where I am meant to be--need to be.  So it seems as if I may need to continue to doggy paddle (or lie on my back and float with the current for awhile)--continue to try and keep my head above water--and trust that I will hit land soon (or at least a cruise liner).  Maybe, just maybe, I need to work on my trust.

     Well Lovelies the long and short of it is I need to adjust to this new perspective and embrace it.  (And remember there may be something going on in your life that you may need to see from a different angle, too.)  Until another time I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind.

     ~Marissa   

Struggle

    PREVIOUSLY WRITTEN

      Finess asked me one day, "Why is it that good people have to struggle so hard, for so long?".  At that time we actually had a  long conversation about it.  That, as I said, was a little while ago, but I woke up the other morning asking myself the same questions.  Maybe it is because of all the things happening in my life or maybe it is because I know what is going on with others.  Either reason I was rehashing this conversation, but this time I was asking God.
   I know that I am not the only one weary and I found myself asking God when is enough, enough?  I try to take the high road; bide my time and do my best.  I just feel like all of my best efforts, hard work and diligence are all for naught.  When will the struggling and suffering be over?  When will I see the light at the end of the tunnel?
   And with all of my questions, frustrations, stress and exhaustion swirling within me like a tornado I received my answer (in the form of a question).  It was simply, "Would you be who you are if you did not struggle or suffer?"  One quiet question in rebuttal (from the tiny voice within my soul) stopped me dead in my tracks.  Would I be who I am without it?  Honestly--and most assuredly--I would not.  I don't know who I would be, but I wouldn't be me.  Like a diamond in the rough being refined through fire, so am I in my life (so are we all). 
      So I will continue "the good fight"  because I know it is for a reason.  I trust that there will be a better tomorrow and I have to struggle through this so I will be ready.  Remember Lovelies that we shall over come and be all the better for it in the end!  Until another time I wish you love and happiness of the truest kind!
     ~Marissa 

Hope

Previously Written

          If Love is the heart of the soul, then hope is the blood that flows through it.  Hope, more than a word, a state of believing--feeling--that defines us as much as love.  Like love there is fragility in the strength of it.  It can grow from being as small as a mustard seed to an entity that encapsulates the soul.  We can not (nor should we try) to survive without it.  Trying to live without hope is a virtual death sentence.  It is like trying to live without eating--you can make it for a little while, but your body will start to shutdown, your health deteriorates.  Hope is food for the soul, it is one of the essentials that keeps our spirits fed.
     Hope is never lost (no matter what the situation).  We may forget that it exists, yet it burns deep within us.  Even if the flame is tiny, it will burn as long as we breathe.  We must continuously  feed our flames so that it can grow into a brilliant, incandescent fire that will fill us--consume us.  For when hope shines within our soul our spirit can not be crushed; our hearts can not be broken and our minds can not break.
     Never deny or neglect hope.  Never let anyone try to extinguish or dampen it.  Hold on to it; remember it; grow it; (true) hope will never lead you astray.  Keep your heads up lovelies!  Until another time I wish you love and happiness of the truest kind!
     ~Marissa  

Leeches and Hummingbirds

     When you look up Leeches they are continuously described as:  "...any bloodsucking or carnivorous worm..."  there is no hidden beauty, purpose or meaning for these creatures.  Contrary wise when you look up Hummingbirds they are described as:  "...symbolizing the enjoyment of life and lightness of being..." as well as other lovely things.  Unlike leeches, hummingbirds have many different, beautiful, and symbolic meanings.  Even without the symbolism when we think of hummingbirds virtually incomparable beauty and awe come to mind unlike the skin crawling, teeth grinding horror that runs through our veins when we think of leeches.    
     I am not trying to give anyone a science lesson here, but I am trying to make a point.  When it comes down to it we have a choice to either be leeches or hummingbirds.  We can either decide to be leeches and feed off of others energy, draining them of joy, happiness and positivity or we can be hummingbirds.  Instead of feeding off of others we can uplift, replenish and share happiness, positivity and joy. That is why I want to encourage everyone to strive to be a hummingbird.
     Some days will be easy and others much harder to let your hummingbird spirit shine through, but fight through those difficult moments (and be the change you want to see in the world)!  Let us go forth into the world and let our spirits fill it with all the beauty it is missing.  Life is a precious and fleeting thing why waste your time in the muck and mire leeching off of others? Take to the skies and spread your wings.  Bring light and joy with you as you go through your day.  When you falter seek your fellow hummingbirds and let them uplift you.  It will be worth it, I promise.
     Don't let a leech suck away your spirit (EVER)!  And remember, they say birds of a feather flock together, and what better birds to flock with but other hummingbirds?   That's all I have for now, a little encouragement to get you through the rest of your week!  So let your spirits fly and until another time I wish you all love and happiness of the truest kind!
     ~Marissa