Opening and Closing Doors

     Relationships--there are so many different types--no human on this earth has ever existed without having a relationship of some kind.  Connection--love--we all crave it, need it in our lives.  We strive to achieve and maintain healthy, successful relationships.  And truth be told that is a separate job in and of itself, even though it is truly worth it.  But, when relationships start to head south (as some inevitably will)--hit brick walls--or seem to stagnate no matter what you do, say or try, and you are frustrated and hurting because things just aren't working no matter how much love or time you pour into it, what do you do?
     First--Please take time to quiet your mind so you can hear your heart.  REFLECT--evaluate and give yourself a chance to breathe and think things through.  Making decisions or even just thinking about a difficult situation or decision out of a place of hurt, anger, or confusion isn't good for you or fair for your partner.
     Secondly--After your period of reflection, make sure that you realize the part you played in causing the decline of your relationship.  AKA:  Take RESPONSIBILITY!  A relationship takes 2 people, right?  So the responsibility of the health of the relationship lies with not just one party, but both!  Hopefully in your moment of reflection you would have completely assessed not just the errors of your partner, but the your own as well.  If you have then you should be able to accept your own actions (or inaction) that contributed to the situation.  Taking responsibility is just as important as reflecting and evaluating the situation with a clear heart and mind. 
     Thirdly--After you have reflected and taken responsibility then it is time to COMMUNICATE!  After you have clarity, take time to speak with your partner.  Let them know how you feel and where your heart and mind are.  Be as honest and clear as possible.  Do not do them nor yourself the dishonor of lying (not even lying by omission) or hiding the truth.  Be respectful and listen as well as speak your peace.  If your partner is not open or supportive then they have essentially made their decision.
     Lastly--When you take time to not only learn and understand what has caused the decline of a relationship, but to also take responsibility and the time to communicate with your partner then you are in a place to make a DECISION.  You have to decide whether or not this relationship has hope, if your partner is truly open to working on this with you (and not just verbally saying they are, but actually putting in the work, people) OR if it is time for you to end it and go your separate ways.  Unfortunately, love is not enough and one person can not put in all the time, work and energy.  Sometimes it is very hard, especially when you are in love with your partner, to walk away, but if your happiness and well being isn't important to them--it has to be important enough to you for you to protect it; since they have decided not to.
     Essentially what we need to remember is that we are responsible for the success or demise of our relationships.  We are the ones who open and close these doors.  If you are negligent, cavalier, uncaring, lazy, thoughtless, cruel, unromantic, etc. then I hope you realize that you have OPENED the door in your relationship for your partner to walk out or someone else to walk in!  If you want your partner in your life and a successful relationship--it takes work!  If you aren't willing to put in the work (as I have stated before) step aside for someone who will.  You can't completely blame your partner for being unsatisfied, unhappy or even tempted by someone else when you are not meeting nor fulfilling their needs.  I think a lot of times we forget that we are not in relationships for ourselves.  We are in relationships with people because of them--for them--you should want to be with someone because you wish to build a life and a future with them.  You should be with someone because you wish to love, protect, care for them and make them happy. 
     Relationships test your character, heart and very soul.  If you are selfish, egotistical, or even insecure, oblivious, condescending or untrustworthy, etc. then it isn't possible for you to have a healthy relationship.  If you aren't happy with yourself, or too consumed with self in anyway there is no way you can be giving with your partner.  And relationships are all about GIVING to someone else!  Love is worth the risk and the work for me, but not everyone truly--to their core--will feel this way.  And if you are one of those individuals who continuously takes and hurts and expects your partner to sit around waiting for you to wise up!  That isn't fair (it is SELFISH, just in case you didn't know) and it is cruel.
     I know how hard it is to walk away when you are in love with someone, but sometimes that is what that person is betting on--your love for them--taking advantage of your love and consideration.  I would be lying if I didn't say that it hurts!  From experience I will confess that it can physically hurt to leave the one who you have given your heart to, but it sometimes is necessary.  Sometimes we must close a door so that we will be given a key to open a better one.  Contrary wise I also know what it is like to not be completely giving in a relationship as well.  Of course it was unintentional and in retrospect I had to apologize and pray to God to forgive me for my negligence to others and the subsequent pain that I caused.  But, what I learned from the negligence and ignorance of my youth taught me to balance.  I learned to reflect and take responsibility--learn from my mistakes and the mistakes of those who I loved.  I got to know myself and decide not only who and how I wanted to be in a relationship, but what I would and wouldn't accept from my partner as well.
     Life and especially Love are constant learning experiences.  They grant us the opportunity to get to know ourselves--become better people.  I can't regret any of the relationships of my past.  First, because the past can not be undone and lastly because I wouldn't be who I am without that past.  I have loved and lost and my heart has been broken repeatedly.  But, I hope and believe that the majority of us will eventually learn (some more quickly than others).  And the hope of a healthy, beautiful love isn't unrealistic.  We just have to break our negative cycles and mindsets--learn to love ourselves so that we may be able to love others.  Learning the difference and being strong enough to protect your heart and happiness when someone you love doesn't is the most difficult lesson in this life.  But, it is possible to learn it and not only survive, but thrive as well.  
     I am sorry for the length of this post, my lovelies, but I really felt as though this needed to be said.  I hope that this post, despite its length may help at least one person achieve a happy, healthy relationship.  Until another time, I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
     ~Marissa



 

A Good Man

     There was a time--an age--an era not so very long ago where the merit of a Good Man was considered as great as that of a Hero.  In many ways a Good Man was a Hero.  His integrity, kindness, selflessness, thoughtfulness, dependability was prized and rewarded.  Touted as a man who could be trusted without hesitation or doubt.  Someone you could and would go an extra mile for because he was not only worth it--but his very nature warranted it.
     These men were the cornerstones of good families, businesses--the very community and government.  When little boys were young they used to admire these men--they would dream of growing up to be good men.  Men who would be honest and reliable businessmen and responsible, positive citizens.  They desired a good education and career--they wanted to build families and be the kind of men that inspired others--inspired others to want to be both around and like them.  They were inspired and in turn were inspiring as well as men of contribution and good repute--they helped to build and maintain a good community.  For these kinds of men achieving the status of a "Good Man"  was a great one.  It brought pride to not only them, but to those who knew and loved them.
     Unfortunately this no longer seems to be the case.  Men who are good or even desire to achieve genuine goodness are now ridiculed and overlooked.  Being a good man is no longer an accomplishment that is sought after--it is seemingly considered not worthwhile.  The sad truth of it is guys are more concerned with what they have or can get or can get over on someone than in who they are or what they can contribute.  Infidelity, dishonesty, unreliability, irresponsibility, disrespect--these are attributes that are touted and perpetuated by society and even women.
     Ironically we complain about needing a change in our communities, local and national and yet we don't help good men succeed!  I know quite a few good men and sometimes what they are put through by external and even internal parties is appalling.  A good man, a good person, can not remain "good" if they are not supported or assisted or if they are constantly pulled down into the muck and mire.  We, as human beings, are fragile creatures.  We can survive and endure a lot, but when the limit is reached--then it is reached.  We can not expect great things from mediocre men and we can not expect good men to succeed when we do not support, protect and appreciate them either.
     Life is about balance and things are more or less out of whack, but we are the ones who disrupted that balance and so we are the only ones who can fix it.  For all of the good men out there, please don't lose yourself--stay strong--and surround yourself with genuine people who will help you become a better you and maintain your goodness.  Women--if you find a good man and you aren't ready for him OR he really isn't what you want then let him know *kindly* do not use him or break his heart.  And if you find a good man and you desire to retain what he offers then help protect and support his goodness.
     A good man is hard to find, but he doesn't have to be.  Just a little observation on my end.  I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa

Confidence is KEY!

     Okay Lads and Lassies I don't know whether you know it or not (or maybe you might have forgotten) but the key to achieving most things in life is CONFIDENCE!  I am not joking at all here, so take note.  Confidence is key.  Now I am not talking about Ego--no--that is a truly sad attribute and makes someone look immature and fake.  I am talking about genuine, healthy, confidence.  Although you may consider this a lot of unwarranted emphasis on something that may seem unnecessary (to those who don't know) I can guarantee you that this is not the case at all.  I believe that we spend a lot of time focusing on love, honesty and perseverance, but what are any of these attributes without confidence?  Would Romeo have pursued Juliet without confidence?  Would honest Abe been honest without confidence?  Would Martin Luther King, Jr have persevered without confidence?  No--I don't think so--and if you are honest with your self (especially after I have posed these questions) I am sure you don't think so either.
     The generation of confidence is a curious thing.  Nine times out of ten confidence is an attribute cultivated over time, although for some lucky people it is natural.  I will admit that I have more "affection" for those who have had to come through a lot--heal--and get to know themselves well enough to build that confidence.  Because it comes from being quite hard won I believe it is stronger, than "natural" confidence.  But, don't misunderstand me, healthy confidence no matter from where it originates is a beautiful and necessary thing in this life.  You see either way, confidence is like the spinal cord for all other positive attributes that make up our internal structure.  It is necessary for us to fulfill our roles as people.  With confidence not only do doors in our (external) lives open, but doors within ourselves open as well.  And that is truly priceless.
      One can exude confidence in various ways; it is in the way you carry yourself, your demeanor, your walk and how you speak to others.  And whether or not you realize it people can tell when you do and don't have confidence in yourself.  That realization will have an affect on how others perceive and react to you. You see confidence is what allows you to own who you are; face the world bravely and undaunted.  It gives you the ability to venture forth with surety and an unfailing knowledge of self to the  point where nothing can (nor will) deter you.  Confidence, even when it comes to the opposite sex, opens more doors than not because whether you realize it or not it is tremendously appealing!  (Quite honestly few things are more attractive than someone who is confident and sure of themselves--who they are.)   
    When I was younger I didn't understand why confidence is so important.  But the longer I live and the more I experience I have found that having confidence is an important part of having a healthy internal balance--an important part of self love.  It is something that will help propel us--drive us--to achieve our goals; to be the people we deeply desire to be.  I believe it to be truly necessary (just so long as it is healthy and doesn't mutate into an ego) for us to prosper in our lives.  When people have confidence it draws others to them like moths to a flame.  It adds to the internal light that burns within, magnifying its brilliance into an undeniable and incandescent entity. 
     Being someone who had to work very hard to build my own confidence--I consider it, although difficult, a truly great, personal achievement.  My sojourn through my internal dark forests and brier patches was well worth the outcome.  I found my voice and the strength to unapologetically be who I am!  without confidence I wouldn't be able to love myself nor all of my imperfections and quirkiness.  Confidence, healthy confidence, is something to be proud of.  It is a powerful and beneficial attribute that everyone should cultivate.  Sometimes it isn't easy to acquire, but I encourage everyone (who is having difficulties building theirs) to make that personal, internal, journey for the benefits are well worth the difficulties.  That is all the food for thought I have for tonight, Lovelies!  Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa     

Loving This Body

     Living in a society that prizes long hair, thin bodies, straight (perfectly bleached) teeth and the will power to say 'yes' to salads and 'no' to cupcakes--I sometimes feel rather out of place.  I am not a size 2 (anymore) and quite honestly I don't want to be again.  My desire to lose some lbs and have a healthier lifestyle is about being healthy NOT conforming to society's idea of "beauty".  The fact of the matter is I only get one body and I am determined to take care of it ( by breaking bad habits and learning better ones).  Even though I am shedding lbs, being more responsible with my diet and "wal-gging" (walk+jog=walgging (an adorable friend gave me the term and I like it)) fun 5k's (or through the woods just for the heck of it) doesn't mean that I don't love my body.  I am trying to take care of my body and that should prove that I love it enough to want to reside in it for a long time to come.
     I mean even though I may complain or joke about my breasts being big every now and again they are still mine and I am blessed that they are healthy and natural.  They are hard to restrain in swim suits but look yummy (if I do say so myself) in (most) dresses.  I have round thighs and hips that move beautifully (on and off the dance floor) with only a simple thought.  And I like my "apple" (as my mom calls it) butt because it is the right size for my body and looks super cute in practically everything I put it in!  My tummy is a tad rounder than I like (that is changing as I change my lifestyle of course), but I love the softness of it (personally I want to be fit not ripped).  And my skin--oh I love the silkiness of my skin.  I will full out admit that I am a little obsessed with my skin and keeping it soft and supple.
     I have come to accept, appreciate and love my straight, pointy, nose (that curves down a little at the tip when I smile) and almond shaped eyes (that virtually disappear when I laugh or smile too hard).  I genuinely believe I have a pretty mouth and even though my teeth aren't perfectly straight or white (I am a tea/coffee drinker) I like my smile because it comes from my heart and I think it is inviting for it is sincere.  I adore the hidden dimples near my chin that make special appearances when I smile or make certain faces.  I have even come to love quite dearly the freckles that decorate my body (it took awhile, but I honestly do) and the unexpected places where new ones pop up!
     Being a member of "Team Natural" for a couple of years now I have grown to love the thick, crazy, inconsistent curl patterns of my hair.  Even though fighting with it can be seriously frustrating--I do enjoy it very much.  I even think my "short" fingers and "sausage" toes (as others have called them) are rather cute.  The long and short of it is--after a long (and at one point very unhealthy) journey with body image and expectations of others in regards to mine--I have come to love this vessel--my vessel--this wonderful gift from God to me.  Even though it was genetically designed by my heritage it was organized by His two hands and that makes me (as well as everyone else) a true divine creation.
     My body isn't perfect mind you.  I have cellulite, stretch marks, fillings and scars (what can I say I am a klutz).  I am a little too hairy for a girl (you do not want to see my legs after not shaving for a week (thanks to my dad's genetics)); I have funky toe nails on my little toes (they just grow in a different shape y'all they aren't stinky or green); and I run so cold that my feet almost always feel like I am dead (at least according to Hunny whenever I stuff them under him to warm them up); I stand at 5'4 and to top it off Rugrat and Booger (aka: my, way, younger brothers) are both taller than me (so are my parents)!   Like I said it isn't perfect and it doesn't fit societies "norm", but I don't want to!  I will embrace this gift and cherish it.  and even though it doesn't make me who I am it is a part of me and worthy of genuine love and appreciation.  I will take pride in my vessel and how I care for it.  I will celebrate and love my body--this body--and do my best by it.

     I encourage all of you--my Lovelies--to love (or in some cases learn to love) your bodies with all of its perfections and imperfections.  It is your vessel, your home and we are only given one.  Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  It isn't always common or conventional nor is it relegated to a specific race or age group either.  You decide what beauty is for yourself--set your own standard!  Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa