Broken

     As of late--I have had a lot on my heart and mind.  For the past month there has been so much weighing heavy upon my very soul and for a long time I couldn't understand why.  That is when I had to take a step back.  I needed to breathe and move out of the fog that had started to fill my life.  I needed to reevaluate and reconnect with myself for I had lost myself along the way.  And as I crossed the barrier of doubt and uncertainty--certain things have become very clear. 
     We are broken.  Not all of us, but most of us.  And that isn't necessarily a bad thing in some cases.  Consider how a diamond is born--through fire and pressure and darkness.  Think of how it is carved from the earth and processed by artisan hands shaping and refining it into a gem worthy of wear and repute--into one of the hardest and strongest gems in existence.  Think of just how long it takes to get one practically perfect diamond?  You see we ARE very much like diamonds.  Some of us are still in the rough and others slowly (if not already) being refined.  And yet, unlike diamonds we have a choice. 
     It is funny that when it comes to brokenness it differs very much between men and women.  I know, unfortunately, so many women who have been broken.  Some by family--others by "friends"--most by men they have loved and a few of the most ill-fated, by all three.  The thing about it is that the majority of them, despite their "brokenness" and dark histories, like Phoenixes have risen from the ash and burn more brightly then ever before.  They have learned the hard truth that we are our own worst enemies and that Love is NOT enough.  And yet, they are determined to not let the pains, sorrows, and experiences of the past deter them from being Good women and having a brilliant and joyous future.
     And yet, the men that I know who are broken as well--do not fair the same.  Many of them seem to be unable to process their pain or leave their past behind them.  Instead of learning from the mistakes of others and the negative effect they have experienced because of them--they continue the cycle.  They hurt those they claim to love without hesitation and to add insult to injury they don't truly apologize nor do they try to become better;  instead they use the excuse of their past as the reason why they "don't know better" or "can't help it".  It is discouraging, disgusting, frustrating, maddening, saddening and laughable all at once.  It makes me beg the question:  How can you be sincere in your love or affection; in your promises to protect and support others when you can not even give yourself those things?
     I just want to scream and shake them and MAKE them realize that they are killing the fire of their souls and destroying those that love them the most in the process.  Because they do not wish to take a step and a stand; because they are in love with the negativity and pain they have become so familiar with--protect themselves with--they are perpetuating brokenness and pain in a way that is dishonorable and deplorable.  We are here on this earth to HELP each other and LOVE each other, not to inflict pain--not to destroy hope--not to smother love.  And yet, because they lack the courage to face their pasts they will never understand how dangerous they are to themselves AND others. 
     I say it all the time, but it is a truth I have come to know and to know it well.  For I, like many, have a past littered with pain and darkness and sorrow and sadness and yet, I do not turn away from the light of the sun.  I do not look behind me for I know my future is ahead.  I REFUSE to cause or inflict on others that which I have experienced myself.  And after many years of struggle and doubt and questioning.  I found my voice, my purpose, my meaning.  I know Who I Am and What I Want and I will stand for myself because I know that if I can not stand for myself--protect myself--how can I do the same for those I love?  And because of what I have gone through I know for a fact that Happiness comes from inside of us.  It is a choice!  It isn't an easy one, but it is the RIGHT one.  I want a happy life full of beautiful memories and wonderful people.  I want to experience the gift of living and existing in this world!  I want to LOVE wholly and completely someone who can and will give me what I offer in return 100%; someone who GETS IT and UNDERSTANDS; someone who is on the same page as me!  I will NEVER let my painful past determine my future.  I will NEVER let it make me forget who I am or what I have learned or deter me on my journey.  I will NEVER use it as an excuse because it would be a great disservice to myself and a betrayal to the woman I am determined to be.

     Every thing in life is a CHOICE.  Either you will be brave enough to make the hard choices so that you will be able to live better lives and be better people or you won't.  There is nothing wrong with being broken--a lot of wonderful people wouldn't be who they are without a trial by fire.  But, it is wrong if all you do is hold on to the broken pieces and use them as a reason as to why your life will never be full.  Like I said before--I am a broken woman, but I am also one of the Phoenixes that have risen from the fire and ash.  So, I ask you (if you are broken) to consider who you are and who you want to be.  Will you make the choice to take that difficult journey into healing and happiness or will you always find a reason to stay where and how you are--faking happiness when you truly don't even love yourself (and if you don't love yourself how the hell can you love anyone else)?



     I know, my Lovelies, this isn't a usual post, but I had to write what was on my heart.  I truly do wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
     ~Marissa  
      

My Wolf Pack

     I don't know how many of you have actually watched the movie Crazy, Stupid, Love but if you haven't I highly recommend it.  Especially for guys.  In all (and to most women--appalling) honesty I have never been a real Ryan Gosling fan (no, not even after the Notebook) until that movie.  Maybe it is because in this day and age I believe that every guy (and girl) needs a friend(s) like Gosling's character, Jacob, to have them when the chips are down--be honest with them and bring them back into reality.
     I know that I would be lost without my girls.  They are trustworthy, genuinely wonderful, supportive and honest.  They are great sound boards when I need feed back and will support me unfailingly.  I love that when I forget to see the big picture (because I am so bogged down with the nonsense that inevitably will and does happen in life) they help to keep me on track.  They are my wolf pack. (Aren't you just loving all of my movie references?) And on occasions where we get to go out and "howl" at the moon together it is always so much fun and memorable (no drugged marshmallows or lost nights in Vegas--yet).  They are always willing to help even when they aren't asked.  If they see or know that you need a "pick-me-up" they are going to do it and without hesitation.
     They offer shoulders to cry on; threats of bodily harm to the "wrong doer(s)"; an endless supply of sweets when necessary; and even a practically endless supply of laughs as is apropos and effective enough to lift the saddest of hearts.  I would be remiss if I didn't pay homage to the women who walk boldly by my side in this adventure called life; if I didn't thank them for always being so incredibly amazing every moment of every day because that is just who and how they are.  Thank you, my Great and Wonderful Wolf Pack of amazing Sirens.  From the very depths of my heart--thank you--for you help me more than words will ever be able to convey.
     Well, I think this is more than enough mushiness from me for one day! 


Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
          ~Marissa     

Wake Up

     I have been feeling like Laurence Fishburn's character, Dap, at the end of School Daze running out onto the yard, screaming "WAKE UP!".  The overwhelming amalgamation of frustration, hope, fear, desperation and promise that filled those two words are the same emotions that fill my heart--as it silently echoes his cry.  At times this cry for awakening is solely for myself.  Although, within this moment this call is for everyone.
     We, as human beings, forget that our strength is mutable.  And being consumed with our (momentary) strength or (presumed) power we believe we possess--we forget about the inescapable, inevitable, existence of our beautiful fragility.  In being forgetful we not only over look our own, but the fragility of those around us as well.  Such an oversight is not only a great disservice, but can become truly detrimental to those around us that we hold most dear.
     In a world that encourages us to always present a stalwart facade and neglect the delicacies of our humanity we have become hard.  The disregard of the emotional welfare of those around us--closest to us--has become as second nature and socially acceptable as breathing.  The unfortunate truth is that we are all guilty of being both perpetrator and victim in this endless and disconsolate cycle of negligence.  And until we become more aware and understanding of our "softer" Selves then we will continue to slowly (or quickly) destroy not only ourselves, but our relationships with those we love as well.
     Our world can be very harsh and filled with trials and tribulations hence why we should never add to it.  We should seek to enhance it.  The people that we bring into our lives should never (whether directly or indirectly) forget that we have CHOSEN for them to be a part of our lives and that is a gift.  Simultaneously this gift should not be used as a justification or surety to neglect the fragility of those we love because everyone has a breaking point; and it is very difficult to piece together the pieces of trust, love, and fidelity that is chipped away when they are neglected or misused.  Nor should we consider ourselves or others as weak or incapable because we/they are fragile.  We should all endeavor to appreciate and protect the gentility of ourselves and others.  Doing so will further enable us to continue to build our relationships instead of deteriorating their foundations.
     Remember that fragility is a gift, it allows us to empathize in order to properly comfort and support others; to sympathize when we forget how to.  When truly embraced fragility can be a source of strength and not weakness.  We need to reawaken ourselves--rejuvenate our hearts--refresh our souls and remember that we shouldn't demonize a sensitive or sweet spirit.  Let us embrace them and the goodness they bring to our lives and the world.  Remember that as humans we are doomed to err, and if someone tells you that you have been hurtful, negative, or unkind to them be responsible.  Don't just apologize, but continuously endeavor to be more mindful of your words and actions because you are obviously important enough for what you do and say to have an affect on them.  Let us, every day try to be more mindful, caring, and open individuals so that we are a blessing to those we love and the world we inhabit.
     Until another time Lovelies, I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.


         ~Marissa           
     

The Closing of Year 25

Hellooooooo!!!!! Hi everyone!!!

Long time, I know! But honestly I haven't had much to share, nor did I feel ready to share my feelings. Sometimes we have to take time for self. But I'm back!!!! And ready to spill my guts!!!

So Year 25 is coming to into the 4th quarter! I'm quickly approaching 26, and I feel wonderful! I feel brave, fearless, strong, loved, cherished, and most importantly wise... LOL well wiser! I have weathered the storms! Cried my heart out! Loved with all of my might! Chose to love myself first! Did things I never thought I could. Walked away from lover and friends! I have grown closer with some and farther away from others. I've seen the crazy that I can be, and also experienced the serenity of being ones true self. I have had lovers (well suitors)... LOL! And put a stop to manly foolishness in my life! But boy what a year!

Through all the many adventures I've had in my 25th year of my life, I have found a few things to be true...

1) Baby LOVE YOURSELF! Things and people will never be right or enough until you learn to be happy with just YOU. You will put up with people and situations that you do not deserve because you are too afraid to be alone. Trust yourself and your God. No one can live your life for you, nor should they. You are born alone and will die alone, why not get know the only person who love you the way God will love you, You!

2) Things are going to happen the way they are meant to. Don't get me wrong, we play a huge part in shaping our lives, but sometimes things are going to happen, so go with it. It's out of our control. And more often than not, the things we try so hard to hold on to are the very things that hurt us and stunt our growth. So please, if you have done all that you can, let it be. You'll be surprised how something better has come along after you let go!

3) Seriously... why so serious! Dude!!! Life is not that serious. Your problems are never so serious that you cannot find one thing a day to smile about. I've gotten to the point that I don't talk on the phone very long with people who seem to do nothing but complain, it's just not attractive. It's ok to vent and get it out, but gees honey, can we talk about pretty shoes now? LOL! I had to learn this myself. When things are bad in my life, I'll focus on the good, on the blessings. There is always someone out there who has it worse than you, so stop complaining, try to fix your problem, and be thankful! Smile beautiful!

Big lessons to learn in 3/4 of a year, but well worth it! I hope that everyone out there still in this Quarter-life Crisis with me is surviving and growing as well! We can make it, and will make it through! Live your life the best way you know. Try to find your happiness, and don't stop until you catch it. We are the future, no longer children, on the cusp of adulthood! Let's make our story on hell of a tale!

Until next time, don't forget to Smile Beautiful!

Finess ♡♥♡

Opening and Closing Doors

     Relationships--there are so many different types--no human on this earth has ever existed without having a relationship of some kind.  Connection--love--we all crave it, need it in our lives.  We strive to achieve and maintain healthy, successful relationships.  And truth be told that is a separate job in and of itself, even though it is truly worth it.  But, when relationships start to head south (as some inevitably will)--hit brick walls--or seem to stagnate no matter what you do, say or try, and you are frustrated and hurting because things just aren't working no matter how much love or time you pour into it, what do you do?
     First--Please take time to quiet your mind so you can hear your heart.  REFLECT--evaluate and give yourself a chance to breathe and think things through.  Making decisions or even just thinking about a difficult situation or decision out of a place of hurt, anger, or confusion isn't good for you or fair for your partner.
     Secondly--After your period of reflection, make sure that you realize the part you played in causing the decline of your relationship.  AKA:  Take RESPONSIBILITY!  A relationship takes 2 people, right?  So the responsibility of the health of the relationship lies with not just one party, but both!  Hopefully in your moment of reflection you would have completely assessed not just the errors of your partner, but the your own as well.  If you have then you should be able to accept your own actions (or inaction) that contributed to the situation.  Taking responsibility is just as important as reflecting and evaluating the situation with a clear heart and mind. 
     Thirdly--After you have reflected and taken responsibility then it is time to COMMUNICATE!  After you have clarity, take time to speak with your partner.  Let them know how you feel and where your heart and mind are.  Be as honest and clear as possible.  Do not do them nor yourself the dishonor of lying (not even lying by omission) or hiding the truth.  Be respectful and listen as well as speak your peace.  If your partner is not open or supportive then they have essentially made their decision.
     Lastly--When you take time to not only learn and understand what has caused the decline of a relationship, but to also take responsibility and the time to communicate with your partner then you are in a place to make a DECISION.  You have to decide whether or not this relationship has hope, if your partner is truly open to working on this with you (and not just verbally saying they are, but actually putting in the work, people) OR if it is time for you to end it and go your separate ways.  Unfortunately, love is not enough and one person can not put in all the time, work and energy.  Sometimes it is very hard, especially when you are in love with your partner, to walk away, but if your happiness and well being isn't important to them--it has to be important enough to you for you to protect it; since they have decided not to.
     Essentially what we need to remember is that we are responsible for the success or demise of our relationships.  We are the ones who open and close these doors.  If you are negligent, cavalier, uncaring, lazy, thoughtless, cruel, unromantic, etc. then I hope you realize that you have OPENED the door in your relationship for your partner to walk out or someone else to walk in!  If you want your partner in your life and a successful relationship--it takes work!  If you aren't willing to put in the work (as I have stated before) step aside for someone who will.  You can't completely blame your partner for being unsatisfied, unhappy or even tempted by someone else when you are not meeting nor fulfilling their needs.  I think a lot of times we forget that we are not in relationships for ourselves.  We are in relationships with people because of them--for them--you should want to be with someone because you wish to build a life and a future with them.  You should be with someone because you wish to love, protect, care for them and make them happy. 
     Relationships test your character, heart and very soul.  If you are selfish, egotistical, or even insecure, oblivious, condescending or untrustworthy, etc. then it isn't possible for you to have a healthy relationship.  If you aren't happy with yourself, or too consumed with self in anyway there is no way you can be giving with your partner.  And relationships are all about GIVING to someone else!  Love is worth the risk and the work for me, but not everyone truly--to their core--will feel this way.  And if you are one of those individuals who continuously takes and hurts and expects your partner to sit around waiting for you to wise up!  That isn't fair (it is SELFISH, just in case you didn't know) and it is cruel.
     I know how hard it is to walk away when you are in love with someone, but sometimes that is what that person is betting on--your love for them--taking advantage of your love and consideration.  I would be lying if I didn't say that it hurts!  From experience I will confess that it can physically hurt to leave the one who you have given your heart to, but it sometimes is necessary.  Sometimes we must close a door so that we will be given a key to open a better one.  Contrary wise I also know what it is like to not be completely giving in a relationship as well.  Of course it was unintentional and in retrospect I had to apologize and pray to God to forgive me for my negligence to others and the subsequent pain that I caused.  But, what I learned from the negligence and ignorance of my youth taught me to balance.  I learned to reflect and take responsibility--learn from my mistakes and the mistakes of those who I loved.  I got to know myself and decide not only who and how I wanted to be in a relationship, but what I would and wouldn't accept from my partner as well.
     Life and especially Love are constant learning experiences.  They grant us the opportunity to get to know ourselves--become better people.  I can't regret any of the relationships of my past.  First, because the past can not be undone and lastly because I wouldn't be who I am without that past.  I have loved and lost and my heart has been broken repeatedly.  But, I hope and believe that the majority of us will eventually learn (some more quickly than others).  And the hope of a healthy, beautiful love isn't unrealistic.  We just have to break our negative cycles and mindsets--learn to love ourselves so that we may be able to love others.  Learning the difference and being strong enough to protect your heart and happiness when someone you love doesn't is the most difficult lesson in this life.  But, it is possible to learn it and not only survive, but thrive as well.  
     I am sorry for the length of this post, my lovelies, but I really felt as though this needed to be said.  I hope that this post, despite its length may help at least one person achieve a happy, healthy relationship.  Until another time, I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind.
     ~Marissa



 

A Good Man

     There was a time--an age--an era not so very long ago where the merit of a Good Man was considered as great as that of a Hero.  In many ways a Good Man was a Hero.  His integrity, kindness, selflessness, thoughtfulness, dependability was prized and rewarded.  Touted as a man who could be trusted without hesitation or doubt.  Someone you could and would go an extra mile for because he was not only worth it--but his very nature warranted it.
     These men were the cornerstones of good families, businesses--the very community and government.  When little boys were young they used to admire these men--they would dream of growing up to be good men.  Men who would be honest and reliable businessmen and responsible, positive citizens.  They desired a good education and career--they wanted to build families and be the kind of men that inspired others--inspired others to want to be both around and like them.  They were inspired and in turn were inspiring as well as men of contribution and good repute--they helped to build and maintain a good community.  For these kinds of men achieving the status of a "Good Man"  was a great one.  It brought pride to not only them, but to those who knew and loved them.
     Unfortunately this no longer seems to be the case.  Men who are good or even desire to achieve genuine goodness are now ridiculed and overlooked.  Being a good man is no longer an accomplishment that is sought after--it is seemingly considered not worthwhile.  The sad truth of it is guys are more concerned with what they have or can get or can get over on someone than in who they are or what they can contribute.  Infidelity, dishonesty, unreliability, irresponsibility, disrespect--these are attributes that are touted and perpetuated by society and even women.
     Ironically we complain about needing a change in our communities, local and national and yet we don't help good men succeed!  I know quite a few good men and sometimes what they are put through by external and even internal parties is appalling.  A good man, a good person, can not remain "good" if they are not supported or assisted or if they are constantly pulled down into the muck and mire.  We, as human beings, are fragile creatures.  We can survive and endure a lot, but when the limit is reached--then it is reached.  We can not expect great things from mediocre men and we can not expect good men to succeed when we do not support, protect and appreciate them either.
     Life is about balance and things are more or less out of whack, but we are the ones who disrupted that balance and so we are the only ones who can fix it.  For all of the good men out there, please don't lose yourself--stay strong--and surround yourself with genuine people who will help you become a better you and maintain your goodness.  Women--if you find a good man and you aren't ready for him OR he really isn't what you want then let him know *kindly* do not use him or break his heart.  And if you find a good man and you desire to retain what he offers then help protect and support his goodness.
     A good man is hard to find, but he doesn't have to be.  Just a little observation on my end.  I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa

Confidence is KEY!

     Okay Lads and Lassies I don't know whether you know it or not (or maybe you might have forgotten) but the key to achieving most things in life is CONFIDENCE!  I am not joking at all here, so take note.  Confidence is key.  Now I am not talking about Ego--no--that is a truly sad attribute and makes someone look immature and fake.  I am talking about genuine, healthy, confidence.  Although you may consider this a lot of unwarranted emphasis on something that may seem unnecessary (to those who don't know) I can guarantee you that this is not the case at all.  I believe that we spend a lot of time focusing on love, honesty and perseverance, but what are any of these attributes without confidence?  Would Romeo have pursued Juliet without confidence?  Would honest Abe been honest without confidence?  Would Martin Luther King, Jr have persevered without confidence?  No--I don't think so--and if you are honest with your self (especially after I have posed these questions) I am sure you don't think so either.
     The generation of confidence is a curious thing.  Nine times out of ten confidence is an attribute cultivated over time, although for some lucky people it is natural.  I will admit that I have more "affection" for those who have had to come through a lot--heal--and get to know themselves well enough to build that confidence.  Because it comes from being quite hard won I believe it is stronger, than "natural" confidence.  But, don't misunderstand me, healthy confidence no matter from where it originates is a beautiful and necessary thing in this life.  You see either way, confidence is like the spinal cord for all other positive attributes that make up our internal structure.  It is necessary for us to fulfill our roles as people.  With confidence not only do doors in our (external) lives open, but doors within ourselves open as well.  And that is truly priceless.
      One can exude confidence in various ways; it is in the way you carry yourself, your demeanor, your walk and how you speak to others.  And whether or not you realize it people can tell when you do and don't have confidence in yourself.  That realization will have an affect on how others perceive and react to you. You see confidence is what allows you to own who you are; face the world bravely and undaunted.  It gives you the ability to venture forth with surety and an unfailing knowledge of self to the  point where nothing can (nor will) deter you.  Confidence, even when it comes to the opposite sex, opens more doors than not because whether you realize it or not it is tremendously appealing!  (Quite honestly few things are more attractive than someone who is confident and sure of themselves--who they are.)   
    When I was younger I didn't understand why confidence is so important.  But the longer I live and the more I experience I have found that having confidence is an important part of having a healthy internal balance--an important part of self love.  It is something that will help propel us--drive us--to achieve our goals; to be the people we deeply desire to be.  I believe it to be truly necessary (just so long as it is healthy and doesn't mutate into an ego) for us to prosper in our lives.  When people have confidence it draws others to them like moths to a flame.  It adds to the internal light that burns within, magnifying its brilliance into an undeniable and incandescent entity. 
     Being someone who had to work very hard to build my own confidence--I consider it, although difficult, a truly great, personal achievement.  My sojourn through my internal dark forests and brier patches was well worth the outcome.  I found my voice and the strength to unapologetically be who I am!  without confidence I wouldn't be able to love myself nor all of my imperfections and quirkiness.  Confidence, healthy confidence, is something to be proud of.  It is a powerful and beneficial attribute that everyone should cultivate.  Sometimes it isn't easy to acquire, but I encourage everyone (who is having difficulties building theirs) to make that personal, internal, journey for the benefits are well worth the difficulties.  That is all the food for thought I have for tonight, Lovelies!  Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa     

Loving This Body

     Living in a society that prizes long hair, thin bodies, straight (perfectly bleached) teeth and the will power to say 'yes' to salads and 'no' to cupcakes--I sometimes feel rather out of place.  I am not a size 2 (anymore) and quite honestly I don't want to be again.  My desire to lose some lbs and have a healthier lifestyle is about being healthy NOT conforming to society's idea of "beauty".  The fact of the matter is I only get one body and I am determined to take care of it ( by breaking bad habits and learning better ones).  Even though I am shedding lbs, being more responsible with my diet and "wal-gging" (walk+jog=walgging (an adorable friend gave me the term and I like it)) fun 5k's (or through the woods just for the heck of it) doesn't mean that I don't love my body.  I am trying to take care of my body and that should prove that I love it enough to want to reside in it for a long time to come.
     I mean even though I may complain or joke about my breasts being big every now and again they are still mine and I am blessed that they are healthy and natural.  They are hard to restrain in swim suits but look yummy (if I do say so myself) in (most) dresses.  I have round thighs and hips that move beautifully (on and off the dance floor) with only a simple thought.  And I like my "apple" (as my mom calls it) butt because it is the right size for my body and looks super cute in practically everything I put it in!  My tummy is a tad rounder than I like (that is changing as I change my lifestyle of course), but I love the softness of it (personally I want to be fit not ripped).  And my skin--oh I love the silkiness of my skin.  I will full out admit that I am a little obsessed with my skin and keeping it soft and supple.
     I have come to accept, appreciate and love my straight, pointy, nose (that curves down a little at the tip when I smile) and almond shaped eyes (that virtually disappear when I laugh or smile too hard).  I genuinely believe I have a pretty mouth and even though my teeth aren't perfectly straight or white (I am a tea/coffee drinker) I like my smile because it comes from my heart and I think it is inviting for it is sincere.  I adore the hidden dimples near my chin that make special appearances when I smile or make certain faces.  I have even come to love quite dearly the freckles that decorate my body (it took awhile, but I honestly do) and the unexpected places where new ones pop up!
     Being a member of "Team Natural" for a couple of years now I have grown to love the thick, crazy, inconsistent curl patterns of my hair.  Even though fighting with it can be seriously frustrating--I do enjoy it very much.  I even think my "short" fingers and "sausage" toes (as others have called them) are rather cute.  The long and short of it is--after a long (and at one point very unhealthy) journey with body image and expectations of others in regards to mine--I have come to love this vessel--my vessel--this wonderful gift from God to me.  Even though it was genetically designed by my heritage it was organized by His two hands and that makes me (as well as everyone else) a true divine creation.
     My body isn't perfect mind you.  I have cellulite, stretch marks, fillings and scars (what can I say I am a klutz).  I am a little too hairy for a girl (you do not want to see my legs after not shaving for a week (thanks to my dad's genetics)); I have funky toe nails on my little toes (they just grow in a different shape y'all they aren't stinky or green); and I run so cold that my feet almost always feel like I am dead (at least according to Hunny whenever I stuff them under him to warm them up); I stand at 5'4 and to top it off Rugrat and Booger (aka: my, way, younger brothers) are both taller than me (so are my parents)!   Like I said it isn't perfect and it doesn't fit societies "norm", but I don't want to!  I will embrace this gift and cherish it.  and even though it doesn't make me who I am it is a part of me and worthy of genuine love and appreciation.  I will take pride in my vessel and how I care for it.  I will celebrate and love my body--this body--and do my best by it.

     I encourage all of you--my Lovelies--to love (or in some cases learn to love) your bodies with all of its perfections and imperfections.  It is your vessel, your home and we are only given one.  Remember that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  It isn't always common or conventional nor is it relegated to a specific race or age group either.  You decide what beauty is for yourself--set your own standard!  Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa
    

Admist the Quiet

     I have always fancied myself a night owl.  And not only because I am (most certainly) not a morning person.  I have always found the quiet of the night to be comforting, alluring--peaceful.  Even the beauty of the moon in its various progressions--brilliant stars (twice as vibrant this time of the year) and the sound of virtually nothing is a fascinating delight that never loses its magic for me.  Maybe it is because I live (and most certainly work) in a very noisy world that I sometimes forget the joy and absolute beauty of the silence that seems to only be found in the night.
     It is the time of the day that holds the most magic because everything seems so much clearer without the noise of the more wakeful hours.  It is a time for reflection, meditation, thankfulness, prayers and dreams.  It is during these hours that I breathe easier and feel more "present" than any other.  It amazes me that something as simple as quiet--taking time to sit and enjoy the peace of it--can make such a difference in my state of being.  I have said it many times and I am sure I am not the only one who gets caught up in the "business" of my everyday life that at times I forget about what I find during these hours.  But in those moments that I happen to find sleep absent from my grasp--it strikes me--and before I know it, a practically instantaneous comfort fills me.      
     I am sure you can imagine what an interesting child I was for I didn't fear the night or even the "witching hours", as my family used to call it.  I welcomed it and I still do.  For when it comes--with the gift of (subsequent) quiet it brings with it--I can remember what my day has pushed back from the forefront of my mind.  Ah--sweet clarity--what joy!  And tonight--tonight I have reflected upon the many blessings I have been given and the people who make my life so very special.  My heart is filled with memories and hopes for Hunny and me; thankfulness for Chickateeta and Maman; memories of the Rugrat and Booger and all the fun I have with my friends--the things they have all taught me--and how they have helped me become the woman I am.  I am grateful to God for the gift of these magnificent individuals in my life.  And being able to reflect upon my journey with them reminds me that blessings come in many packages and can be quite simple sometimes too. 
     As you can tell these moments of quiet provide me with the opportunity to renew my eternal balance--in a way--with only a little of my "sleep" time sacrificed.  I encourage you all to find your own quiet time and see what happens!  Who knows what kind of clarity you may find.  As it is, Sleep has finally chosen to show me some favor and my bed is calling me to snuggle down deep into a warm comforter and fluffy pillows.  So, I believe that this will be enough sharing from me for one night.  Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa     
    

In My Garden

     Hello Lovelies!  I know I have been gone for awhile, but I really needed to take a break and recollect myself.  I needed to remember how to tend to my garden.  Sometimes we get so caught up in life--the running, rushing and general rat race that we all run (to make a paycheck) that we forget to stop, breathe and take time to tend to the most important part of our lives--ourselves.  And truth be told I was so busy being so many things to so many people--spreading myself thin--so much so there was nothing left for me and I was feeling the strain of it all in an unimaginable way.
     With my very being feeling tired and overwhelmed my mind wouldn't quiet--and a feeling of being lost within myself eclipsed everything else.  And I can't begin to explain exactly how the combination of all of this was reeking havoc on me.  One emotion or state of being led way to another and yet another; becoming catalysts unto themselves and creating a seemingly endless cycle--they fed off of each other and I was in great need of getting out my gloves and pulling the weeds that had taken root in my life.  Right now I am still in the process of trying to organize, detox and give myself some much needed love-- unfortunately, like with any garden, it is going to take time and work in order for me to get back to a hundred percent.
     And quite honestly there is no way I can do this by myself--and lucky for me I don't have to.  The out pouring of love and support from Hunny, Chickateeta, friends and co-workers has warmed my heart and reminded me why we shouldn't go through life alone.  I wish I didn't have these painfully human moments, but because of them I am reminded of my blessings; about the people who truly do love and support me; and that sometimes--when overwhelmed--it is OK for others to help you.  That is why we have those special people in our lives.  It is truly during these times (or during their own times of trepidation) that we discover exactly what kind of flowers these people are in our lives--whether they are Seasonal, Perennials or Annuals. During certain trials and tribulations we are able to see exactly what kind of qualities they will bring to our garden and subsequently what kind of longevity they will have as well.
     Maybe that is why times such as this are not only a curse, but a blessing as well.  They can call you back to yourself to cleanse, reevaluate, appreciate and learn.  Obviously I was long overdue and just like I procrastinate on updating my computer (until it does it by itself during the most inconvenient times) I also seemed to have done the same with myself.  I will have to put into practice carving out time for rejuvenation so that I can maintain a healthier Being more consistently than I have been lately.  Well, that is all I have for now.  I can't promise I will have more soon, but I will do my best.  Please learn from my mistake and don't forget to take time to tend your garden because when things become overgrown it is harder to work through your fields.
     Until another time I wish you all Love and Happiness of the truest kind!
          ~Marissa